ex is having a hard time

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
ex is having a hard time
1
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 11:03am
I usually lurk here, but could use some impartial advice on something.

I dated someone over a year ago who I really liked. During this time I began to notice that he seemed overly involved with his mother (behaved like her husband) (his father passed away 5 years earlier and his mother was very dependent on him) At one point she was hospitalized and diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and he was spending 24x7 with her and planning on having her come to stay with him when she was released. All of this I found admirable, etc., but during this time he was unreliable, uncommunicable, and just completely consumed with his mother (I didn't see him for weeks, he'd cancel plans, etc.).

I had to ask myself - how long was I willing to wait for him to invest in our relationship - and the answer wasn't good. When I talked to him about this he got angry and defensive and eventually I broke up with him. We've spoken from time to time since then, but it's mostly been a disaster. I think he thinks I was completely selfish and is still angry about it.

Last night I got a phone call from him, his mother is back in the hospital and he was really upset. I talked to him for a bit - but he wasn't very coherent and he keep on saying I shouldn't of called you.

I'm at a loss for whether I should be more supportive of him. Should I just let him call me if he needs anything? Should I call him and just say if he wants a break from the hospital I would be happy to go for a walk, meet him for coffee, etc.

He has a good heart and I care about him, but I don't want to set myself up to be hurt again. At the same time it's been a long time since I've seen him (8 mos.) and I've accepted that we are not right for each other, but would probably feel better about that if I had a current boyfriend.

What do you all think? Any thoughts, comments would be really appreciated! Wriley

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 12:36pm
His mother will likely be the focus of his life until she dies, and anything else that comes into his life will be fit in around his mother, if he has time. That includes any woman he dates, as you have already discovered, and he obviously isn't willing to discuss the situation reasonably. If you think you can keep your emotional distance from him and if you really want to, then go ahead and be supportive, but don't fall into the trap of thinking that there's any promise ahead. You're not his wife, sister, or mother, you're just an ex-girlfriend; you don't owe him any support. Personally, I'd be very reluctant to have anything to do with him - if he has to contact an ex-girlfriend to talk, there's something wrong there.