Ex moving to FL but giving mixed signals

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Ex moving to FL but giving mixed signals
3
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 7:53pm

Hey everyone-
So my ex and I broke up in March and have gotten together twice since the breakup. We were together 4.5 years, and had taken numerous breaks over the yrs. He wasn't ready to be in serious relationship, wanted to not be exclusive etc. He also had depression issues which got worse over the past yr. This ultimately lead to our breakup. We had talked about marriage often, but he was not 100% happy, and he wanted to figure things out, he thought there was something wrong with relationship. In a normal situation I would agree, but he was not happy with anything (his job, his place, his car, me, friends, etc). I wanted to support him but it became too much, especialy knowing that he was looking for things to make him happy (and thinking maybe I was wrong for him and maybe someone else could magiclaly make him happy). So we broke up in mid March, talked about once or twice a week at first, then calls slowly dwindled. We hung out once in the nearly 5 months since the breakup (but said we were going to hang out more). I know he dated a girl in DC (he lives in PA) for a while, I wasn't sure if it was a rebound or if he really cared about her.

So I started to move on. I have been having a GREAT time w/ the girls, meeting people, etc. I went out on one date (a dud). I met lots of guys and got lots of #s, and just enjoying being single for a change. I accepted that he was moving on (I didn't think he missed me). This was our longest time w/o each other so I just accepted it and tried to move on (all of our breaks were no longer then 3 week - month). I was content, I missed him but I thought "well maybe things weren't meant for us. Maybe I'll meet someone else." But in back of my mind I thought about him every day and had a small hope that maybe things would work someday.

So we talked like once every couple weeks or so. Then about 2 weeks ago he called twice and left msgs and also emailed me. I waited it out then finally called back. We had a good conversation then he asked me to dinner. So he kept calling and we talked aagain Sat night when I was on my way home from a BBQ. He wanted me to come over and he was hinting at sex. I told him it was too late (it wouldve been 11pm by the time I got there). He said he wnated to see me, he would take care of me (I wasnt feeling well), etc. I asked him why he wanted to see me all of a sudden after all this time, he said he had been thinking about me. I thought all he wanted was sex at that point. I told him "not tonight" so we talked for another hr or so about things, work, life etc. I asked him about work (knowing he hated it and was looking elsewhere). He said "actually there is something I need to talk to you about. I wanted to tell you in person, but since you brought it up, I will tell you now." He told me he accepted promotion in FL and would be starting in Sept. He asked me "how do you feel about that?" I told him I was happy for him b/c I know he always wanted to move. But why does he care how I feel about it?? We are broken up!!

So I got to his place the next day to catch up and talk about job. He was sooo excited to see me, and had a bouquet of my fave roses on table (fresh ones). He always would get me roses and normally I wouldn't have to ask if they were for me and he wouldnt have to tell me. But I wasn't sure b/c of breakup. So I pretended I didn't notice them. He kept drawing attention to them, "Aren't roses pretty??? What do you think of the flowers?" I didnt' know what to say so I just said yeah and barely even looked at them. I assumed they were for me since he kept drawing attention to them, but I never asked and blew it off so I left w/o roses. So we hooked up (and yes had sex). I haven't had any in so long that it felt so good to be w/ someone. I knew it was bad idea, but... Anyway so he tells me he wants me to come visit, he'll come visit me too. I am figuring we are going to stay friends, and nothing more, I mean he's moving to FL! So I am trying to play it cool, not get too emotional, etc. So I say I will come visit, but what happens when he meets new girl down there? I dont think new g/f will be too keen on his ex coming to stay with him for weekend. Just being realistic! He said "we will worry about that when time comes. ...and who knows maybe by then you'll be my wife!" (or somehting like that). I asked him to repeat it, he said never mind, but I know what he said. WHY DID HE SAY THAT??? Its been 5 months I assumed he was over me and marriage thoughts were a long time ago. I should've pressed the issue, but thats' not my personality, but now I wish I did!! So we watch a movie, we're cuddling whole time. I feel eyes on me, and I look over at him, and he is just watching me, contently. Looks like he is thinking about us, about me, about FL. He keeps looking at ceiling and sighing. So I catch him lookign and ask him why he keeps looking at me. HE says "You're looking at me, what are you horny?" Or course he was making it look like I was one looking so he didn't have to look stupid. Kissed me alot when I left, and wants to hnag out some more b4 he leaves in month. : (

Anyway, so I don't know what to think now. I was so fine w/ breakup. Accepted it and was moving on. Now I don't know... Did the reality of leaving hit him, and make him realize he doesnt want to lose me? Its one thing to be seeing other people but still in area (the possibility is stil there). Is he still having marriage thoughts after all this time? or is he just trying to keep me around so I will come visit in FL and he won't be lonely? I already told him I would come down to see him, and I already had sex w/ him, its not like he needed to say that to get me in bed... I am so confused now. I don't know how to feel. Maybe he will get down there and really truly miss me and wnat to fianlly commit, or maybe he will go and meet a new woman. I just dont' understand what the point of making that comment if he's leaving?

Any words of wisdom? Thanks for all and any help! : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 9:35pm

Wow, after reading your post, I'M confused. I can't figure out what he's doing except I'd be suspicious too. I'm dragging my DF in for a guy's perspective as soon as I can lure him away from the new Madden football game.

Pesky.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 11:22pm

Edited 8/11/2005 12:39 am ET ET by kerryesque




Edited 8/11/2005 12:44 am ET ET by kerryesque
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:42am

Okay, it's half-time, so I've been dragged over to examine your post. Very interesting. I'd say that perhaps he's realized what he had, but the fact that you've gone through this multiple times before, with numerous breaks et al, leads me to believe that this is like every other time, with the caveat that he's nervous about the big move and is "coming home" to what he knows.... namely you. I would be worried about opening up yet again to have him break it off after he reaches a comfort zone in Florida (i.e., meets someone new). I'd be very hesitant to move forward with him. If you want to just hang out with him, have casual sex with no strings, that's one thing. But if you're counting on him being around, I think you're probably wasting time that you could be spending finding someone who's actually right for you. Just one man's opinion, but it sounds like your more of a comfort zone than anything else. Been there, done that myself... nothing wrong with it, just realize it for what it is, and when you want to actually find someone to get serious with, you've got to break it off 100%. Good luck!

- pesky's fiance