Ex Obsessing ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Ex Obsessing ?
6
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 1:21pm

Hi, first time posting here, but have read a couple of times.. Broke up with my boyfriend (of a little over a year) Friday night after Thanksgiving due to many issues but mostly dishonesty and having completely different lifestyles and judgment about EVERYTHING.

So, I have been basically going out with other people since then and having fun and reciting the mantra: 'he is a liar and you can't trust him' as well as 'you were just as unhappy when you were with him as you are now without him and his choices cannot affect your life now' to myself at critical intervals. Most of the time I am fine.

Hadn't had any contact then called on Tuesday as I was going to dinner close to his place and was going to drop off his things. He was not going to be home on Tuesday night and then asked ME what I was doing that night in the town close to him, or 'didn't he want to know' as he has a big problem with me going out with someone else (just dating, and a variety of people) immediately when we break up, which we have done about 3 times before this, but this is it now. Anyway, I was quiet for a minute and then said, do you want to tell me what you are doing tomorrow evening? and he said, something came up, it's none of your business, so I said, hey, you asked me first (he is also the king of the double standard).

NOW, I cannot stop wondering what it was he did last night, even though it is none of my business and doesn't affect my life. I think the worst possible scenarios, get jealous or worried and mostly want to make SURE he is not happier without me than with me or making another stuid decision, ridiculous I know, but still. I, on the other hand, actually had a terrific date that night, and should be focussing on that, but no, I am completely stressed about the x's activities for several reasons but all stupid.

Any comments to help me move on with this? The reason we broke up is his poor judgment and now if he is exhibiting it it is NOT MY PROBLEM. But I still am stressed over it. Hundreds of other things to say about this, but will leave it at this for now, I would welcome your comments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
In reply to: lilygr
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 1:46pm

you answered your own posts when you said "he is a liar and you can't trust him' as well as 'you were just as unhappy when you were with him as you are now without him and his choices cannot affect your life now."

try to stay focus on the things you can control rather than the things you can't control. he's doing exactly what he wants to do, and plus, he's also making you jealous in the process. don't let him make you miserable in spirit, he's already doing that physically.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lilygr
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 6:31pm

All you can do is recognize that it was having contact with him that caused the difficulty you're currently having, and of course the remedy is no more contact, and allowing time to pass, which will allow this particular obsession to fade.

It sounds like you didn't get to drop his stuff off after all that. I'd suggest boxing it up and putting it in the mail so that you don't have to have any more contact.

Have you read "When Your Lover is a Liar" by Susan Forward? I found it very helpful in moving on from my breakup last year with a liar.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: lilygr
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 8:11pm
seems pretty transparent to me that he wanted to get you to react, and he did. he's a jag, he deserves to be dropped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
In reply to: lilygr
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 9:21pm

I think everything you're feeling right now is totally normal, given that there has hardly been any time since you broke up with him. Remember, too, that whoever he's with he's going to eventually treat the same way he treated you. I'd avoid all contact so you can completely move on.

Best wishes,

toriphile

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
In reply to: lilygr
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 12:49am

I think I know how you feel. To say my ex-boyfriend was dishonest and we had diffent lifestyles and judgment would be putting it mildly (I'm guessing you're putting it mildly too). I think everyone is right about having no contact with him. I wish I could have none with my ex-bf. He just won't let go! Luckily he's living 2000 miles away now, but he insists on maintaining contact. I know how it feels not wanting him to be happier without you. I want him to regret not doing right by me. If he's happy with someone else, and I'm alone, it just doesn't seem fair. I know these negative thoughts do no good, but we're only human. If we let them stay in our lives at all, we'll still have these negative thoughts. If we can keep them out of our lives, they will fade away. I finally told him yesterday that I can't be friends with him because every time I think of him, I remember how miserable I was with him. I just hope and pray that it's all behind me now, but only time will tell.

I'm sorry, I keep changing the subject back to myself while you're here looking for help. Maybe it helps to know someone who's going through pretty much the same thing? I also have lots more to say on this, and I'd be more than willing to listen to you if you could do the same. Could I e-mail you personally, lilygr?

Best wishes,

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
In reply to: lilygr
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 11:30am

No problem, Sue, though I don't know how direct email works here.

Thank you for all the responses, they helped, even though since I already knew the rational answers and did post them in my own message, it helps to have them reiterated and expanded upon.

I feel a bit better since, even though do not believe I was physically cheated on by my partner (though if he lies about one thing...), all STD test results just came back negative, thank god.

I did reserve the When Lovers are Liars book at the library and will pick it up today, along with a couple of others I found along the same line.

Something else I have been grappling with is this: I chose to be in this relationship against my better judgment given my knowledge of this person and I am having great difficulty accepting that someone who was SO beneath my radar and what I want for myself and the kind of relationship I want to have could treated ME so poorly. Narcissistic, I am sure, but it makes it worse to be treated poorly by someone, to put it very rudely, should never have had the opportunity to touch me in the first place! Also, how could I be so stupid?

Thanx you all, I enjoy your responses..