Ex-wife keeps him close

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Ex-wife keeps him close
7
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 9:47pm

I don't have any ex-husbands, but there are the ex-boyfriends. I don't stay in touch with any of them nor have they stayed in touch with me. They just weren't the best of relationships to begin with so why think it's going to change?

I don't know if anyone can shed some light on my particular situation or not, but maybe someone can at least put a different light on it? Or share their opinion.

I was getting seriously involved with a man I knew from work. We had worked together 2 years before both getting layed off from our jobs. I had always liked him (Brian). I got up the nerve to tell him and we went on from there. He would call saying he missed me and was thinking of me. We shared a lot of intimate things with each other. We talked a lot on the phone, and got together a couple of times. I'm thinking we are hitting it off, but slowly which was fine. Broken hearts and all that from the past. But...

We don't live that far from each other so it's not like there is a problem with travel.I'm east bay he's south bay. But we just didn't get together as much as I would like to have done. I don't know why either really, I've only seen him once this year!! We have both been busy looking for work and dealing with the stress of it. But we have since both found work in the past 3 months. But still we can't find time to be together?

He's unfortunately a divorced man, it happens, and it's sad for both parties most of the time no matter what the situation was that caused the breakup. He has divorced twice, both times having children. The first wife is remarried on the east coast, second wife is here on the west coast, and lives pretty close to him. They share time with their 7 year old son.

They have been divorced around 5 years, they have managed to keep on good terms. It's great for their son I'm sure. It's great that they can be adults and not fight or be hurtful to each other.

My problem? Issue? Concern? I'm not totally sure what it is I'm feeling, is that they spend a great deal of time together. Like they are still married, time together. She is always finding ways to need him. She lives back with her parents and is 47. Before this she lived in the Townhouse they used to share (her parents owned it). She had a mutual friend as a roommate, but was always uncomfortable around him, so she would have Brian come over and hang out with her and their son. He even went so far as to let this roommate know that she was not interested in him and to back off.

She made plans for them this weekend (memorial day) to go to the beach, a beach that is in monterey california, and holds a great deal of emotional meaning for Brian, but of course she also had her sister and nephew along, but still. She needs him to drive her sister in-law and her sister around to show them the sights, she needs him to help her move back home, she needs him to pick her and her family up at the airport, she needs someone to help her manage the family, she tells him he can stay at their house, all the time this goes on, she is always needing him for something that another friend or family member could do or help her out with.

I know all this because he tells me. He doesn't hide it from me, he just tells me. No questions asked. It's a statement. I know about their past, for the most part. I know what ended the marriage. I don't understand why they have this need to be together all the time. I get the feeling that they fill the empty place that their divorce left, she doesn't want him sexually anymore but she also doesn't want to be alone, he doesn't want to be alone, but wants the sexual intimacy. They act like they are still married in so many ways. And yet he can't find the time to spend with me, no weekends, no weeknights, just a couple of phone calls, saying he misses me. It's not fair in my eyes to be treated this way, by someone I care about, and who still has deep feelings, for his ex-wife. Who he refers to as the "good one" since his first marriage was so bad. The good wife who stopped having sex with him right after his son was born, and then divorced him.

I finally told him that I couldn't be there anymore. I didn't want to be the person filling in for the sex while he played house with her. It's been painful and it hurts. Especially when you invest so much time and emotion in someone. I'm not jealous of their friendship, it's for the benefit of their son they are good friends, I'm just upset he can't find time for me in his life, but has time for her.

I knew about their friendship, I just didn't know how far into it they both were, or at least seem to be.

Am I wrong for being upset? Am I wrong for ending it? Did I over react? I felt like a third wheel, not a girlfriend.

I think being friends with an ex is great, especially if children are involved. It's good for them to see their parents as friends. But where do you draw the line? When does it become too much? Should someone always get the short end of the stick?

Some of my friends have said that is sounds like she manipulates him, but since he goes along with her that it must be okay with him. I've had several people say the same thing as well.

Maybe you can shed some light on what I'm dealing with. Was I foolish? Is he the one with the problem? I don't know and I'm needing some input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 10:28pm

Welcome to the board rainy64grl,


Will he read anything?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 12:06pm

Girl... you did not overreact. I promise. I lived with a man ...the love of my life..for 5 years and dealt with this. He never married me and we never had children because of his needy ex wife. (2nd ex-wife, mind you). You did yourself a huge favor by letting him go. I just got out of my relationship 3 1/2 months ago and still hurt from it so bad.... but I think it's for the best. His ex-wife was nothing but needy and caused trouble for us all the time. It was like they were still married and I was his "play mate". PLEASE. And now that I am gone... she's all over him. She was just waiting on me to get tired of her so she could have another shot. She waited it out for 5 years. Some "crazies" are very persistant.

You did the right thing. I'm sure of it.... 5 years later...no ring...no kids. But he still has her. ha .

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 12:44pm

I don't have much experience with that kind of situation, but I am sure you made the right decision. He spends way too much time and energy with his ex-life (wife+son+ex-in-laws). That's really not what a relationship is about. I mean, when you are in a committed relationship, shouldn't YOU be the one that occupies the most energy, time, and affection from him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 10:48pm

Gal_Blondie

Thanks for your words of support and understanding. I was thinking maybe I did the wrong thing, that maybe I over reacted. But from what I've been hearing I did the right thing by letting him go. Of course he's not bothered to call me or send an email either. No question asked I guess... on his side anyway. I can't help but think about the whole situation and what a fool I was. I imagine he probably didn't even care about me half as much as I did for him. I don't think anything he even told me was sincere.
I just feel like I've wasted 2 1/2 years of my life having feelings for a man who never had any intentions of being with me long term, dating or otherwise. I keep beating myself up over the whole thing. It's sad cause, and I know this is wrong, at least he has someone to fill in the empty places, where as I don't. I get the impression he just wasn't into me, but yet the things he said, and shared with me make me doubt what I did. I'm confused. I've reached that phase of the breakup.
My girlfriend told me that he will probably end up old and alone one day, because he was too stupid and blind to see what he had in front of him. But people like him always seem to come out ahead, and people like me always seem to get the short end of the stick. I wish he knew just how much he's hurt me with this deception he's pulled over my eyes. My honesty was not good enough, and being myself wasn't good enough either. I'm just sick to my heart thinking of it all...
I'm sorry you went through the same thing. I hope as time goes by, again, that I'll be okay. That someday, hopefully before I'm too old, someone will want to be with me and be real...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 8:14am
I'm about in the same spot. I feel like I'll never find love like he and I had again. But my friend told me the same thing... that he'll be a single, lonely old man with no one at the end of his life. Lets hope that karma catches up with both of them and we go on to marry and have wonderful lives. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2007
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 8:20pm
Hi, just read your email. Been there, done that. There is only one thing I can say to you - if it is meant to be it will. Listen to your heart. Sometimes, as much as it hurts this has to be about you at some point. Talk to him one on one. Don't hold back. If you cared enough to write about it listen.....Don't sell youself short - you have a lot to offer. Sometimes fear plays its role. It's scary - if you love hime and he loves you go for it. Find it out. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 12:20pm

Marlin777,

Thanks for your input. I believe if there had been deep feelings on his part things would have been different. But I don't have his son, she does and that's her trump card. Plus deep down I know in my heart he is not over her, and wishes that things had turned out differently. I gave him the opportunity for 2 1/2 years to trust me and know that I really did like him and want to be with him. That I wasn't playing him or trying to hurt him etc. This wasn't a game or casual encounter for me. I was looking for the real thing. But like I said, his ex-wife (the good one, in his mind, yet divorced from!) has the trump card and knows how to use it, and obviously he's fine with that sort of relationship with her because he goes along with it, has since they were divorced and probably long before they were divorced. I hope he finds what he's looking for, and that he's happy. I was not the one. It hurts and it's sad, but I can't change him or make him want me. Even though I had a very strong attraction to him and felt like we could be together forever, he didn't, obviously. He will be a lonely man someday, and whether he's okay with that or not, time will tell. I will miss him. I miss him.
I hope that maybe there is someone else out there for me....