the ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
the ex
11
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 11:10am
Hey all! I haven't ever posted before, but i have read many messages .. i am really hurt right now and need some advice. I'll try my best to explain my situation without making it a whole lot to read. Well, I met this guy at the end of January, we had an amazing 3 weeks together ... i felt like i was falling for him. But he had to go home on leave (he is in the military) i was a bit worried because he would be seeing his ex girlfriend of 4 years when he went home ... they broke up while he was over seas because she cheated on him several times with 6 different guys and not to mention she practically moved in with one of the guys. he tried to assure me that there were no feelings for her, and he was completely into me. well, we broke up while he was on leave ... we argued a lot over the phone and i dont really know why. well, when he got back we saw each other and started hanging out again ... it was almost like he never left! everything was perfect once again! Especially this past week, we have been pratically inseparable! Saturday we went to a house party at his bosses house, then sunday we didnt move from the bed all day, we just watched movies and we did the same thing on monday. Sunday we told each other we loved each other and we talked a lot about taking a weekend vacation to florida. I have never been happier, seriously! I've been married before, and yet, at this point in our relationship i have stronger feelings for this guy than I did for my ex-husband!!! Well, I didn't mention that on Saturday night he got extremely drunk, I didn't though because I wanted to be able to watch out for him. When we got home that night he passed out, and I just hung out. my cell phone ended up going dead and without thinking I decided to use his phone to call my sister. When I did, I saw that he had called his ex and she had called him, several times the past few days. This had peaked my interest, so I read his text messages, and there was a few from her saying "I miss you", "I love you", and stuff like that. Then I looked in his picture gallery, and there she was. A few of her and him, some in her underwear .. it was dated from when he was on leave. I could feel my heart drop! He had lied, he told me he didn't hang out or see her when he was home on leave! I wanted to talk to him about it right then, but he was passed out. So, I went to bed and figured I would talk about it the next morning. Well, morning came and I was just to caught up in the moment. He had told me he loved me that morning and I was on cloud nine! I went home that afternoon to shower and I thought about things. I figured I could get over the fact he was with her on leave because we weren't together, I could get over the fact he lied about it because he probably just didn't want to hurt me even though we weren't together, but what i was concerned about was the fact he was continuing to talk to her! So I came back and we hung out and later that evening we were kissing, and I couldn't kiss him with the thoughts in my mind, so i decided to bring it up. It was an awkward conversation .. but in the end, it was him breaking it off with me????? How it turned to that, I don't know??? I went home that night and we talked on the phone for 2 hours, he said he wanted to talk about it in person, so i went back. We didn't say anything, except held each other, and fell asleep, it was 3am! The next morning it was like it never happened, he didn't say anything about it. We just cuddled, kissed and watched movies. But I eventually had to get going because he had some errands to run, so it came up! He said he still loved her, but wasn't in-love with her. But he cared! He said he couldn't stop talking to her, he didn't feel it was right to me if he missed her at times and talked to her. I told him he will always care and love her, as I will with my ex husband, but there is a difference of love or in-love .. and it wouldn't bother me if he talked to her from time to time if he was with ME and in love with ME! but in the end, he broke it off. I was confused, it was like one minute he is totally in love with me, and wants to be with me and yada yada yada the next minute I find out his secret and he breaks it off?!!?! He said even though she cheated on him and he knows he needs to get over her, he for some reason cant let her go? Later in the night we talked on the phone for hours, I told him how my ex-husband cheated on me, and it was like I was giving him support to move on. I told him he needs to let go of the past and how great things were because for somebody to not only cheat on you once, twice, but 6 times -- it says something about their feelings on the relationship. I told him he needs to take the pride he has left and move on, he deserves better! Somebody will love him one day enough not to even thing about touching the opposite sex. I know he wants to forget about her and move on, he told me sooo many times, but its like he cant. She continues to bother him and call him, she tells him she will change. He said he would feel ashamed if he would get back with her, so he doesn't think he will, but at the same note he doesn't know what he wants. I told him I know how hard it is to let go of something that had such a big impact on your life, 4 years is a long time, but I told him he is still young, and there are several relationships out there that last longer than 4 years and still end up not together. I told him its a lot of work to have a 4 year relationship and its a lot of work to get over it too. In the end of the conversation it was like I opened a door for him .. he could see that he shouldn't take it anymore and he should move on. So, I dont know why I really came to his board ... I guess just for some support. I love this guy, I love him a lot! I feel crushed and empty without him!!!!! What do I do? Should I let him go, let him figure things out with her? Or do I continue to talk to him, as a friend, and help him get over the cheating and help him see that he should move on? Should I hold on to the hope that one day he will get over her? I have never felt happier with somebody before, and I know I want to be with him without a doubt ... and I know some of the best things are worth fighting for ... but how hard do I fight without feeling pathetic or looking desperate? I appreciate any advice! Sorry this was so long ... Thank you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
In reply to: twin20
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 7:27am

this is actually the longest i have gone without talking to him, and last night for instance was sooo freakin hard. like i said he is away for a few days handling a few things for his family, and whenever he was away, im used to getting messages from him instantly. but last night was hard bc i had signed on from school and i happened to notice he was on and SHE was on as well (both not away or idle) and it just sank my heart, bc i figured that he was relying upon her for support, and she is going to be the good guy, gonna win eventually, and im gonna be the mean ex who stopped talking to him for a lil while bc i still care about him and want to be with him (even though he right now doesnt) and its just a big mess.

im used to having people rely upon for me for support and coming to me if they need a hug or a smile bc im a pretty cheerful person. and i want to be the same for him, but i know i shouldnt but i want to so badly. guess my way of thinking was that i somwhat kill him with kindness and that he would eventually see his ex is nothing but crap, but i have been doing that for several months now and it seemed to work at first, but within the past 2-3 months it hasnt.

im scared of completely losing him, or even just temp. losing him. its hard to just completely cut out someone so important in your life and not knowing whats going to happen...but i guess he could also take the initiative and contact me as well unless he is scared to bc he knows im either still mad at him and doesnt want to get into the situation again or just doenst want to.

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