Excruciating loss of first love

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Excruciating loss of first love
3
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 2:59am

Hello all, I'm new to this board and don't know really how your meant to write on here or anything but I feel I need some help. I've been reading around on the board and it seems like all the support and wisdom everyone offers really helps and I think thats really what i need right now.

I am a 20 year old student and have just broken up with my first love of over a year. I
feel like we have such a long history. Getting together during our first year of University, things were amazing, my first ever boyfriend. I always wanted a boyfriend, I hated being alone, I guess I started late but my ex was everything I wanted and more I can honestly say some of the happiest times in my life. I didn't care I had waited so long to have a boyfriend because he was amazing, I feel in love completely and so did he but there were issues, him bringing up guys that I had ONLY kissed in the past and being upset about it etc jelous of things i had done before him...they were all warning signs.

Anyway after some hiccups like above everything was going fantastic again until one night he just decided after a stupid argument that he needed a "break" and was confused whether he wanted to be in a relationship right now, and said he had things to work out in his mind about what he wanted in his life (him only 20 at the time). So I cried non-stop that night and for the whole next day thinking he would decide that he didn't want a girlfriend and then break up with me. The next day he called me up and came to my house, saying how he couldn't live without me, he had realised so much in only one day and he expected me to fall into his arms and be completely happy but I was so upset. TO think that he had wanted a break etc terrified me but after an afternoon together and a long poetic love letter I decided to try and get over it and just continue the relationship on its journey.

It all continued but I was so insecure, and he was acting angry and mean toward me, nothing was the same. About 3 weeks from 'the break' he broke up with me, saying it wasn't me it was him and he had to sort his head out, he was depressed and needed to focus on his life and didn't need a girlfriend right now. I cried so much I couldn't drive home and needed to get my parents to come and pick me up (an hour drive), he just left me in the street crying thinking I could drive home like that.

The next two months were so unhealthy. He let me for one day cry and curse and then that night called me crying saying he had made a big mistake and that he did it in the heat of the moment and didn't want to break up. I so desperately wanted to go back to him, but my family and friends urged me not to, that i couldn't, so i didn't. For the next two months (while we were still seeing each other at uni) he called me all the time, emails, roses at my doorstep, sat outside my house in his car even when i didn't go out to him and I didn't budge, i didn't take him back, I was so upset, so hurt and in the end he gave up (once semester finished) and we didnt speak for another four months. Those 4 months I cried and thought about him everyday. I wanted him back so badly, I regretted not taking him back and felt like it was because of influence from friends and family that i didn't.

However after those 4 months we started speaking again and exacytly 6 months after we had broken up we were back together again. I can say with all honesty the last four months have been the best of my life. We both grew up in that 6 months, we were both so much happier, learnt so much from what went wrong in the past and really just wanted to be together. Until last week when he got all distant and angry at me for no reason. Then said he needed to tone down the relationship it was getting too serious.

We had an argument about it and I broke up with him in the heat of an argument or discussion about his worrys about the seriousness of the relationship but when i said 'break up' I didn't really mean it, and although he has done this before and we have gotten back together, broken up (on again off again), he says this is it. The relationship was getting too serious, he is too young for this and although he cares about me this isn't what he needs right now blah blah etc etc.

I know he is right, I know our biggest problems were his fears of being in a serious relationship at this age and I know in my heart that he loves me it's just so painful that this is the end, he has made no contact at all since the break up a week ago, nothing to show he cares. Even though I know deep down it was right that we ended, that we weren't going anywhere, it still hurts and I don't know how to deal with it, I don't know how to feel better. I cry all the time. The worst thing is that I will be with him everyday at Uni this year, face him everyday though we aren't talking, be in the same friends group though we aren't talking.

I feel so lonely, I love him so much I don't know what to do. All my close friends have serious boyfriends of 2 years at least I feel so alone. Not only am I mourning the loss of him, I just feel...alone and that I would never find anyone again. All these mixture of thoughts I just don't know what to do I've never had to deal with this heartbreak before. It's so much worse than before because we got back into it with high hopes, he siad he wanted forever.

I don't know how to move on even though I know it was right that we broke up. I don't want to be with someone who everytime it starts getting good is going to freak out and try to ruin it. I want to be with someone who really wants a proper relationship with me. I feel so low. I spend time with my friends then cry when I get home. I need help dealing with this, with the pain in my heart that hurts every minute. I need help on how to face him again next week, and everyday for the next semester and then the next two years after that. How do I deal with seeing somebody I love but no longer have everyday? Has anyone else ever been in this position?




Edited 7/13/2006 5:23 am ET by sandybabos
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 10:20am

Welcome to the boards and sorry about your situation. I too just lost my first love and everyone says its the hardest one to lose. I definitely believe them.

In your situation it sounds like your ex is very immature (I'm not trying to put him down), and he's just scared. My ex was scared also.

Here's some background on my situation, so you kinda know where I'm coming from: My ex and I were together 4.5 years since our Junior year in highschool, he is 22, I'm 21. Our relationship was always great, but the last year - 2 years he started getting distant. He wasn't sure if he ever wanted to get married, that sort of thing. Well about 3 months ago he broke up with me out of the blue because he said he didn't want to be in a relationship right now, needed some time alone, was trying to figure out what he wanted out of life, etc.... I pleaded to him trying to make him change his mind, until one day I realized I had to move on with my life and not talk to him for awhile so I could heal. I went 4 weeks not talking to him. Until one day I felt the time was right and I called him. We now talk about once every 2 weeks. He says he still loves me, but that this is something he needed to do. I now do believe this was the best thing for us, so we can grow individually. I don't know if he and I will ever get back together, but the possibility is always there.

Back to your situation. Break-ups, IMO, are the hardest thing a person can go through, I believe they are even harder than death because in death you know that you have to move on because that person's not coming back. But in break-ups you never know what is going to happen and you find it hard to let go.

TRUST me when I say it does get better. Time does heal, but you also have to look within yourself and find your inner strength to get on with your life.

You deserve someone who will want you now and someone who won't continue to do this to you. He continues to break up with you and then want you back and by what you're saying it hurts you each and every time. Maybe he will one day grow up and realize that he wants you in his life and you can make it work, but maybe there is someone else out there for you who will treat you like a queen.

I'm gonna give you some advice someone on these boards gave me that has helped me immensely:

"Move on with your life, moving on doesn't mean that you don't still love him or that you won't get back together one day, it just means, you're moving on. You shouldn't waste your life waiting around for someone who didn't want you."

Somethings that helped me those first few weeks, was just keeping myself busy, spending time with my friends, writing in a journal about all of my feelings, listening to feel-good music, and I also wrote a letter to my ex about everything that I was feeling and experiencing, but I didn't send it. After I got through the initial pain, I then burned that letter and trust me it is very empowering.

Another thing, CRY it helps get the stress out. Post on these boards and read what other people are going through. Give advice on these boards also, even if its just a simple "I know what you are going through, and we will get through this". I find that helping other people, in turn, helps me.

About seeing him, If I were you I would try my hardest to not see him. Give yourself some time to heal without seeing him or talking to him. I understand that it will be hard, but tell your friends that you don't want to see him for awhile and have them help you.

Hope I helped.

~Amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 11:16am

I'm so sorry about your pain, first loves are hard to get over because it's the first time we feel the highs of loving and being loved in a romantic way, but

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 9:16am

Thankyou so much for all the words of wisdom and advice it really helps just to write about it and let it out. Your questions were really interesting and this first one,

"What did you learn from the first breakup with him?"

I don't really know how to answer. I learnt a lot things, that he really needed to sort out his head, that I needed to grow up a bit in the way I dealt with some of our issues, that I needed to listen to myself and not be so influenced by others when making decisions. There was lots.

Why I went back to him the second time? I guess I just sort of fell into it. I know that sounds stupid but it just happened. About 3 months after we broke up I began seeing somebody else. I found myself coming home after dates with this new boy and crying wishing that i was with my ex (don't worry I ended it straight away). It made it all the more painful to realise how much I still wasn't over him. So when 3 months after that the ex and I were about to start Uni again and he contacted me saying that we have to try and be 'friends' because we have to see each other all the time, I wanted to be friends, and from there it just felt natural to go back to what it was. I wasn't over him, even after all that happened I still cared about him so much and still wished the relationship had gone better that I was willing to give it a second chance, and honestly even though this has happened now and it all wen't wrong I don't regret that I did that, I think now I can move on knowing for sure that we would NEVER work, rather than 'wishing' we had worked or wishing I had given it a second chance if that makes sense. I know that sounds young and inexperienced but that's wat i am unfortunately. After everything that happened I still cared for him.

Did his feelings of jealousy finally go away or become manageable for him?

His feelings of jelousy definitely changed the second time around. He still had them i think that's in his nature but he managed them so well, promised me at the start when we got back together it would never be an issue again and it in all honsety wasn't. He did grow up in that respect, it made me happy and feel like things really had changed for the better the second time around.

Hmm what does a 'serious' relationship mean to me? I don't even know how to answer that. I look at my friends, my 2 best friends who are in relationships where they call each others parents by mum and dad, and have already named their future children (crazy I know but I am 100% serious, and they are only 20!). I call that a serious relationship, knowing you want to be together forever and that you will work out whatever comes your way to achieve that. I wonder how not one but 2 of my best friends are in these relationships at this age, it does in a way make it more difficult for me. None of them have ever gone through a break up, all first boyfriends, in that respect as well I feel alone, they try but don't fully understand. 'Serious' to my ex, I don't know his exact definition, he always said I was a serious girlfriend because he could see himself being with me forever and to him that is serious, to want to make it work so that we can get there. I never said that stuff to him to me they were huge claims that I didn't want to make.

Do I know why he got distant? Not really, I just assume he began freaking out, began thinking too much about how the things we were doing were getting too 'serious' for him. The major thing was the week before we broke up he had invited me to his cousins bday, the first ever family function he had invited me to. He had said that he really really wanted me to go etc etc and it was a great nite I was accepted by all and we had a great time. It seems though that once that happened, meeting the family etc he regretted it and that's when he became distant. I did try to understand and for days he said he was angry but wouldn't tell me why until a week later the whole 'too serious' came out. I did immediately get upset when he became distant, I immediately tried to protect myself but I think that is because of what had happened earlier in our relationship, that week of distance was a huge warning sign.

I know this is really long but they were really interesting questions. What was it about my tone that made you ask them? I am feeling so much better today spending time with my friends. I really wish I didn't have to see him, but the thing is I have the next 3 years with him every day of semester. I go to a small uni and we are doing exactly the same degree thats how we met. We have every single lecture and class together and no way of escaping each other even if we wanted to. Starting next week (when my holidays finish) I will be seeing him four days a week until December. This is how we fell back into it the first time, constant contact. This is what i am most scared about just having to see him again.

Thankyou again so much for words of wisdom, I know it will get better I just wish I could fast forward to the new, strong, independant me that i hope i will one day be. I am feeling better today though after a good day with my friends, I guess I just have to continue to do that so i can continue to feel better. And your advice was helpful, I do just need to try and deal with one day at a time, sometimes i think and worry way too much. Thankyou so much.

Sandy