explain his behavior after breaking up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
explain his behavior after breaking up?
3
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 11:40am
Okay, dated this guy off & on for 3 months. He told me he loved me & never wanted to lose me-- but we constantly fought--- fought about minute things. He tried to control my life--- not wanting me to hang out with my friends, cussing me out, cussing my friends out--- gave me rules & stipulations for us dating. Well finally we broke up--- pretty mutual... I was tired of being controlled & he was tired of trying to control the uncontrollable me. Well it's only been a few days & he has been writing me awfully mean text messages & emails. & will call only to be a complete jerk. I don't understand why & how this happened. I mean I tried everything to keep him happy aside from letting him control my life. & if he "loved" me like he said he did how does he have the nerve to be badmouthing me & calling me names & saying things such as, "I regret wasting so much money & time on you," & " I wish I had cheated on you, (he has now convinced himself that i was unfaithful) (WHICH I AM COMPLETELY LOYAL!!!!), cusses me out, calls me names, etc. Why is he acting in this cruel & uncalled for behavior? WHy all the hatred for me now--- Can people actually go from wanting to marry somebody to absolutely hating them & cursing them for everything they are worth? Please if anybody can give me ANY explantions as to his behavior- it would be MUCH appreciated!
Because I do still love him & am having a lot of trouble getting over him.. because when times were good they were great but when times were bad they were horrible--- but we were happy most of the time & I am such a forgiving person that i have always forgiven him every time he has cussed me out--- I miss him dearly & wish things could be different because they was definitely a deep connection--- but if anything else I would at least like to be friends----
Question; should I just ignore him & let him go because of his evil cruel ways or should I try to make amends with him? (even though he ignores me everytime I call but yet will send me awful text messages---)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 1:44pm

Hi

I think that you should ignore him and never have any contact with him again. He only contacts you when it is convenient for him, and when you try to call him, he ignores you. He is giving you: my way or the highway. You do not need a person like this in your life, and why would you want a friend like this? He cannot be trusted, cannot be depended on, and is mean to you. Friends do not treat friends this way.

He is still trying to maintain some control over you, because he does whatever he wants whenever he wants. He calls you whenever he feels like it and you give him that power, because you continue talking to him.
His behaviour speaks volumes about the kind of person he is, and it is evident that he is a jerk who does not care about you. He is able to badmouth you, because you allow him to, by accepting his calls and messages.

If he cared about you he would not be acting this way. Even if he did not care about you, but was a decent guy, he would not be saying these things to you, because he would be mature enough and sensitive enough to your feelings just because you are another person, not to do this. He would respect the fact that you are a person with feelings and he would be aware that words can hurt any person.

There is not point in making amends with such a person. He is the one who is being a jerk and only he can change his behaviour. You only have the power to stop his behaviour from affecting you. Cut him off, and if he contacts you again, tell him that you don’t associate with mean people and they have no place in your life. Right now he is in control here, do not let him get away with disrespecting you. You deserve that respect as a person, from every single person you ever meet, no matter whether they like you or not.

Take back your power. It won’t be easy to leave him alone, b/c you still care about him, but you do not deserve to be treated this way by anyone. You would not treat anyone you care about the way he is treating you, would you? I am sure you would not, so the conclusion is that he does not care about your feelings and since this is the case, he probably does not give a damn about a friendship either. Do you have a friend who is treating you this way? I do not think you do, b/c if you do that is not a real friend. If you had to make a list of all the things you are looking for in a friend or bf, would his mean actions be on that list? I don’t think so.

No matter how much you care about this guy, look how he is treating you, and realize that this is who he really is, despite any other admirable qualities he may possess. This is how he treats people he does not care about, b/c I bet he is not like this to everyone, b/c no one would ever want to have anything to do with him. He is giving you the “special treatment,” b/c he feels he can get away with being a jerk to you, b/c you will not tell him that: "enough is enough, thanks for finally letting me see you for who you really are, goodbye." Let him know you are not a punching bag.

We like people who treat us well because these people usually accept us and like us for who we are, so there is no point to waste our time on people who disrespect us and treat us badly. There is no reason why we should settle for this kind of treatment and no reason why we should like them, if they don’t like us.
Take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 4:49pm

IF you give in to his texts with any response, he has gained that control back over you and he will feel somewhat satisfied that you reacted (if you disrespect yourself by answering these messages, then he can so easily disrespect you more because he knows you will tolerate it). His messaging you to get a rise out of you does not equal caring about you, your well-being as a person -- it's a whole other issue -- and his messages indicate a lot about that his purpose. He is angry, bitter, and is being so disrespectful to you!

Do not internalize his behavior as YOUR problem, as a deficit within yourself, as if you couldn't make him happy being YOU and that something could be wrong with you, or there is something you did wrong. Instead, recognize that he could only truly feel happy when he has control over you -- his feelings are involved, with no consideration towards yours..... It's all about him.

He has a problem, and it could only get worse --sometimes, this type of behavior could turn into abuse, as it seems he already has delved into the emotional abuse realm. His behavior is unacceptable. Decide today that you deserve more and that you have more self-worth then putting up with that behavior. He wont change unless he does some serious personal growth and gets some help. What you are seeing, are his true colors, and even if you have happy times, underneath is the same person who could treat you so cruelly and coldly. Do you really believe he is looking out for your best interest when he tells you not to hang out with friends or family? When he cusses you out? When he said he wishes he cheated on you, and regrets time and money spent on you? By degrading you and your friends == people who are important to you in your life?

If you look at this objectively with no feelings attached -- In 3 months, do you really believe you could know someones values, beliefs,and ideals? Do you know how he reacts to the world in many aspects and situations? If it has gotten this bad, I could only imagine a year down the road with him... This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase of dating! Not, fighting every minute, and dealing with controlling behavior. He has NO right to tell you who to hang out with, and to tell you what you can and can't do. From what you said, you gave him NO reason to feel a lack of trust for you, you were loyal and honest, this is HIS issue that he needs to deal with.

Although, I think that in the long run a lot more "horrible times" would come to surface then the good times. 3 months on and off and to experience this so early shows you that this is not the right situation for you. This man can't be any good for you if he is diminishing all of your "worth" to increase his own. Actually, you should feel blessed to find this out now!

After breaking up, it's so easy to just remember the good times, put the man on a pedastal, and mull over all of the times, especially repeated issues that hurt you the most that you know deep down wont change. As I like to say, you might possibly feel that you "love" this man, but love yourself more!

Good luck,

~~SD~~

Avatar for alsatia23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 12:04am

You need to ignore him.







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