Faced with the Cold Hard Facts

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Faced with the Cold Hard Facts
14
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:02am
Well, I have that sick, nauseous feeling. I was at the school football game and saw him with another woman. My daughter cheerleads and his son plays on the team. Anyway, this after nine weeks and no contact after a six year relationship. I knew it would happen and tried to prepare myself, but it is still a shock to my system. I did keep smiling and talking to people and just avoided running into him and avoided eye contact with him. I can’t eat or sleep. I didn’t think I would react this way – I thought I would be stronger. I want to call him so bad just to hear his voice. I’m trying my hardest not to, but I keep thinking of things I could say if I did call. Like maybe just keep it light and acknowledge I did see that he’s dating someone, and that’s o.k. You would think it would be killing him to know what I'm thinking. But then that’s the only power I have left – not to call, right? How can he bring someone to an event both our kids are at and knows I’ll be there? I don’t feel ready to do that yet. How can men move on so quickly?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 1:03pm
I understand your hurt. I just ended an 8 year reltionships with someone I hoped to marry someday and we live very close and I'm afraid of running into him too.

When it hurts most, try to think of why you two aren't together or some of his less than great traits. Also, just because he's with her doesn't mean it's a love connection. Many people cling to others as a rebound. I'm sure it's not the deep relationships you twohad (I'm assuming). I wouldn't call him, this might just boost his ego if he sees that you're upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 1:13pm

Men just do-- and most of the time its just because men cant deal with their feelings so they seek out a "distraction" or "rebound person" - believe me he is probably comparing her to you BUT in order for YOU to heal you have to not let his unhealthy actions affect your ego or self esteem.


I am sorry he was thoughtless and cruel --


Trust me -- I have been through this...embaressingly a few times in the last 5 years-- its very typical of men.


The healthy honest way to proceed is to mourn- and reevaluate your relationship so you dont carry the baggage into the next one. He isnt doing that.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:12pm
Thanks for the input. I just can't believe he could be that heartless. We broke up with me in tears and heartbroken, and he knew it. Then he goes and has the b*lls to bring his latest and greatest to something like this. Am I being unreasonable or was that rather tacky of him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:30pm
Yes, it was rather tacky, but sometimes men to that. I agree with the others, I highly doubt it's a love connection. He's doing it to run from his feelings, and show everyone (including you) that he's okay. Us women are much stronger than the men we're leaving behind. Don't call him! Why? What will happen if you acknowledge that you saw his new friend? Nothing. And you'll feel weak afterwards. Don't waste your time hon.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:55pm
I don't know how they move on so quickly. I broke up with my boyfriend on Sunday night and by Monday and Tuesday he was already placing Personals ads on Web sites. I know because he had given me the password to his account and I checked it for a few days. He has since changed it, and I know it's for the best.

I just can't understand how he can even think of dating after we were so close to getting engaged and planning to spend the rest of our lives together.

So I don't know, I just really don't know. I find it utterly baffling myself.

You're strong though. You got through nine weeks you can get through another nine weeks and in time you'll find you don't care if he's making love to three women in front of you, you'll just keep on walking and think to yourself, "It's your loss, buddy."

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 3:21pm
Yes, I agree it is utterly baffling. But if your boyfriend is anything like mine, he’s probably panicking about where he’s going to get his next lay. In addition to not wanting to hurt their tender little feelings, I think that’s another reason why they move on so fast.

I know eventually things get better - and we can all just feel sorry for the poor woman who has to deal with all the crap we went through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:14pm
I feel your pain. My bf of 2 1/2 yrs. 5 month engagement decided to break up with me a month ago. I insisted that we give our relationship another opportunity even seek help, but it never happened. Four weeks went by and there was nothing but nagging and questioning. Last night he cried while he said he wanted to be alone, he couldn't explain why but said that he needed to do the things HE wanted to do without giving any explanations. It's so incredibly hard for me to go on knowing that my dreams and relationship are crushed.

I do however, wake up thinking that our distance is necessary for both of us. I became too attached to him and in the process lost myself. He felt the same way and knows that he needs to regain that. I hope that in the following weeks of no contact (which that in itself is completely new), he will realize that we should rebuild our relationship.

My hopes may be just another crutch that will make my healing process difficult.

Should I lose the hope and move on? Should I give him a few weeks and wait for him to call? should I call after a complete disconnection of a month? Should I even set a time frame?

People like to have an idea of ages - I'm 22 he's 28. That reminds me, his bday is coming up, Should I send a card? It's in two weeks - I guess two weeks of No contact wouldn't seem too desparate. I just want to let him know that I remember and wish him happiness.

I need some help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:18am
Luv Bug, I know EXACTLY what you are going through! My ex and I of 5 years just recently split last week. He is literally falling apart in front of my eyes, watching his father die of cancer, and the end will be any day now. He just can't handle the pain of that, and the pain of arguing that went on between us. If one had happened without the other (we could work through our arguing, or if everything had been fine with us and his dad got sick), I know we wouldn't be where we are now, but those 2 together were just too much for him. I'm absolutely lost without him, and am in the same boat of wondering, what should I do? We said "goodbye-for now" on Sunday night, and it was so hard for me to leave him with him crying and knowing how we feel for each other, but I've been chasing him and he's been running from me and I have to let it be- for now. This is where it gets scary for me. I know I cannot call him and just have to wait until he contacts me, and I know the next time will be to let me know his dad has passed and give me the arrangements. But after that, I'm so lost. I believe with all of my heart that we will get back together (dangerous, I know), and I asked him Sunday "maybe when all of this passes we can give it another try?" and he nodded yes. I know that I have to move forward, and TRY to pretend it's over and start doing new things, but it's so hard when the "what if" is hanging in the back of my mind, and I can't get it out! I'm going to tell you what I would honestly do, and it may not be the right thing, but if it were ME, I would send the card. It's 2 weeks away, and it's not like you're calling him or pestering him. Sending the card, to me, is a kind gesture and lets him know that you do still care. Other than that, still no contact and don't set timeframes. If you were to get back together in a year, would that be fine? Look at it that way, things happen in their own time, when the time is right. I'm trying desperately to take my own advice, so I feel what you're going through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 10:57am
Honey,

I know it's hard and we have hopes that we will get back together. I am going through the same thing you are. Just out of a relationship where the guy says he likes me, but needs to be doing just what HE wants. So his birhtday was 2 weeks ago. I did exactly what you wanted to do, but a little worse, so let me tell you what happened.

I bought at gift (at Tiffany's) and called him to see if I could come by to give it to him. He tells me yes, but as long as it's quick, because he had something to do. (Now what I'm thinking it's that he has someone coming over and doesn't want us to cross paths.) Well, I go anyway. Give him the gift. He loves it. He hugs me. Looks at me with longing eyes, and says he doesn't know what is wrong with him. That I should not be hurt because it wasn't me. It was just timing. Sooooo, keep reading... It gets better. His birthday weekend comes along. I did not go out so I wouldn't run into him. So Friday night, I watch a movie, go to sleep. To my surprise, my phone rings at 5:45AM!!!! It was him, drunk, calling me to let me know what a "Good Time" he had and if I wanted to come sleep over!!!! After screaming at him for calling me at that hour, he tells me he was giving me an opportunity to sleep with him, and since I was passing that up, I should go hug my pillow as a substitute. Saturday night comes along. I stay home again, but my roomate goes out and runs into him and his new girl! Apparently she is not only beautiful but they were all over each other, which is something he told me he always hated (PDA's I mean)

So there you go honey. I am not saying all men are the same, but they pretty come from the same mold. If your man was in love with you, or even respected your feelings, he would've handled things better. So why waste your time and MONEY, with someone that is not worth you. Take yourself out to dinner. Buy yourself a gift. And I promise, we've been apart now for 2 months, it is really hard at first and it hurts, but give yourself time and it will get better. There were days that I didn't know if I would live, but I worked through them. Don't make excuses for them either. Most of them will not grow out of this phase... They come back temporarly because they miss what they had, but they go right back to dumping us, leaving us even worse than the first time.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and I hope your guy is not like mine was, but it they sure sound like it.

By they way, I am 25 and he just turned 24.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 8:59pm
OMG, we met on Sun which was the day he said he wanted to be alone. That same day I couldn't hold myself together so he was beyond affectionate. He asked me to drive to his place to talk. Fine. He drove me because I couldn't stop crying. We sat to talk only this time rather than pulling back as he usu. did every time I wanted to talk about our problems, his urges got the best of him andhe couldn't stop kissing or caressing me. In the middle of our conversation and while I'm awaiting the revelation that he wants to keep trying, he decides to ask if I want to make love and just let things be. I got up, and walked to his door. All he wanted was one last time. I'm sure once we were done he would have gone back to square one - I need to be on my own and I just don't know why.

How do men go from being engaged to wanting absolute distance overnight? Get this, he said that things had changed between us once I moved back home (once I was done with college) - I guess he forgot I had asked him to wait one year before we decided to move onto the next step - living together.

Does he just want the single life back? Is he just insecure and worried about his career? He mentioned that he wants to do things without giving any explanations. It seems that there's a pattern - he had a 5 yr. relationship before he and I met. He had been looking for someone whom he could establish a relationship with - and that's when our paths crossed. Apparently they broke up and got back together too many times - until we finally met. Is he trying to do the same now?

I have an incredible urge to call him. The last thing I want right now is yet another rejection. Should I wait until his bday to try to contact him?

HELP

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