Faced with the Cold Hard Facts

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Faced with the Cold Hard Facts
14
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:02am
Well, I have that sick, nauseous feeling. I was at the school football game and saw him with another woman. My daughter cheerleads and his son plays on the team. Anyway, this after nine weeks and no contact after a six year relationship. I knew it would happen and tried to prepare myself, but it is still a shock to my system. I did keep smiling and talking to people and just avoided running into him and avoided eye contact with him. I can’t eat or sleep. I didn’t think I would react this way – I thought I would be stronger. I want to call him so bad just to hear his voice. I’m trying my hardest not to, but I keep thinking of things I could say if I did call. Like maybe just keep it light and acknowledge I did see that he’s dating someone, and that’s o.k. You would think it would be killing him to know what I'm thinking. But then that’s the only power I have left – not to call, right? How can he bring someone to an event both our kids are at and knows I’ll be there? I don’t feel ready to do that yet. How can men move on so quickly?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:07pm
I may get lambasted for this, but I don't understand what this guy did wrong. If it was a woman wondering if it would be okay to go somewhere public with a date where her ex might be nine weeks after the breakup, would we call her cruel and heartless? How long should we put his feelings above our happiness? What about the new person's feelings? Would we keep him under wraps, as if having an illicit afair, to spare our ex's feelings? What are the rules to moving on???
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 12:12am
Michelle, I'm so grateful for your reply. Your warm wishes made my day brighter =]. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time in your relationship. Is it too difficult to look past your "relationship" problems for now so as to offer your BF comfort while he's going through such a painful moment? How about visiting his dad? Being there for him to say goodbye and to offer your tenderness and affection before he's gone? "In good times and in bad times..." Though you're not married, it certainly would help to follow the words that show affection and that will bring you closer to him. I'm sure he'd appreciate your company.

Latest news, he called today - said he couldn't lose contact even if he tried to. He said that we made promises while we were together and that they still exist in his heart- doesn't want to hurt me anymore. This was my chance to once again remind him that we're supposed to be there for each other if our love still exists. If he's not interested in other relationships - then why not respect each other's space and welcome the new professional/personal challenges - that'll only nourishing the relationship. I guess it's all about not clinging on or being needy. It's about understanding, respecting, and accepting without losing yourself. I had a hard time learning that.

Hughs. Please keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 10:05am
annie-

My problem with this situation is that he KNEW I would be there. I just thought it was rather tacky to bring a new girlfriend to a family/community event. Out to a bar, restaurant, whatever, fine. It would still hurt and I would still wonder how he can just pick up and move on, but bringing the new girlfriend around his family members so quick made it hurt worse. Tells me he doesn’t have much respect for his kids, either – bringing the new girlfriend to their functions. They’re not interested in seeing him and his new flame sitting in the stands watching them. I just would not have done that to him after ending a six year relationship. When I got divorced and started dating I kept my boyfriend away from my ex whenever possible knowing how hurt my ex was when I divorced him. I did not want to hurt him anymore. I did not invite my boyfriend to kid functions where I knew my ex would be for quite some time. Just a respect thing. Sorry, I still think it was tacky.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 10:49pm
I'm sorry you're having to put up with that...your ex is being really insensitive. I don't know if this will make it any better or not but....I don't see him and this girl having a long lasting loving relationship because to me....it seems like he's using her to upset you and make you jealous. He knew you'd be there so he knew it was the perfect time to bring a date....whether he really cares for her not....it didn't matter as long as it looked like he did. Just try and grin and bear it the best you can and don't let him know that it bothers you or it will only encourage him. And please don't call him!! Good luck and keep us posted!!
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