failed again-long-but desperate 4 help

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
failed again-long-but desperate 4 help
5
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 6:04pm
Sorry this is long-but I'm desperate for help. I married shortly after my first divorce. My first ex and I are friends, and we both know it was for the better for us not be together. We have a daughter together and we keep things happy for her. My second marriage isn't even a year along, and already we are splitting up, and I'm 7 months pregnant. He promised us the world, but when it came down to supporting us, he didn't. Not just financially, but emotionally. He got a job as P.I. and started staying out all night. His schedule for his first case was structured because it was internal in a business. It started w/being out until 1 a.m. and then it turned into 5:30 a.m. Then on weekends (which he wasn't working), he would leave on Fri night and not come home until Sunday night. Sometimes he never bothered to call. He always said he was at his brothers. He came home with make up on his shirt once. Now that he is on his second case, he was provided a house. He swears he has never cheated. We have been "on & off" w/the relationship for the last 3 weeks. I was going to buy him a truck and for some reason, I checked his email. He had emailed his ex-girlfriend, calling her by my "pet name" and gave her his cell number-a number he wouldn't even give me. Of course, now I have it. I called him the other day and he told me to hold on. He put the phone down. I could hear everything that was going on...so I listened. He was driving w/his brother and some other unknown males. I could only hear him clearly. Then he said "there's a hot @** bartender that works in that bar, I F-d her all night once. Then she started calling while I still lived at home." I almost threw up. My concern had been confirmed, he was cheating. After a few mins, I hung up and called him back-he had forgotten he had put the phone down. After being in our house for 9 months, he has yet to help w/any bills. He kept all his paychecks, only buying groceries once, and putting $150 towards rent. I paid for his 2 sons plane tickets at Christmas, paid for his bankruptcy attorney, and paid almost $1000 for his old truck to get fixed, paid old utility bills in his name. He only worked 2 of the months he lived here. He constantly yelled at me for not having money, and blamed me for anything and everything. Even woke me up once (while I'm pregnant) because I didn't take the trash to the curb. He overdrew "our" bank acct, which was my acct, while I was in the hosp. Out of 4 days, he only visited for a total of 3 hours. He swears to this day he has never cheated, I questioned him on what I heard on the phone, he hung up on me. I kept questioning him, and he just denies it. He says I am a psycho Bi###! Then there is his online activity. Porn for hours at a time, everyday. I got access to his "secret" email account and he had over 100 chat friends, some of which had been on there for years(before we met). But a couple were in the middle of conversations w/him. I locked out his account, and I used the messenger to see how involved he was w/them. He had one poor girl believing he was going to buy her a visa to live here w/him and then marry her. Believe me, this is only the top layer of what has gone on. We are seperated and I feel so guilty. I let him into my daughter's life-she is crushed. And now he doesn't want anything to do w/our baby-and now I'll have a son who doesn't have a father. I feel like such a failure to my children for making bad decisions. And to this day, I wish my husband loved me like I love him. I want it to be over-yet at the same time, I want him to come back to us. Maybe he is right, maybe I am psycho!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 8:31pm
Based on my personal experience and what others have told me, is that you must remember that you are only human and as such, we make mistakes. Forgive yourself as you would your best friend.

What we hope to gain from our mistakes is the knowledge not to make the same mistake again. Sometimes, we may make them several times.

It has been my experience that anyone that sights OUR "imperfections" are masking their own.

Deception? It's their deception, they try to throw whatever blame that they can on the innocent party.

Be strong and know that you and your children will be better off with you and growing together than to be bound by someone that does not want to be bound to you and them. Or, will in time, continue to practice deception at every given opportunity.

The only way now is up.

Your life will be what you make it. Lose the baggage.

I don't think he's worth it. Do you?

Don't ever lose yourself, you are the only person that you can depend on. It will seem hard in the beginning, but the payoff in the end is worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:39am
My heart really goes out to you and I'm sorry for all the pain you're in.

After reading your post, your H really sounds awful and like he's living life as a single man. I'm not sure what reasons he gave you for why he wanted to get married in the first place, but that's all besides the point now.

You've done a lot to help him and you sound like a very caring and loving woman. Hold your head up high and make concrete plans to move forward with your life. Forget about him. He sounds very selfish, immature and too ill-equipped to be the responsible husband (and father for your children) that you need.

Focus on taking good care of yourself, your daughter and little one. Get rid of him and build a new life for yourself and your children, and don't look back. Don't look back in regret for choices you made or in sadness for what was or that things didn't work out. Shut all of that out of your mind as best as you can and focus on the bright and happy future that awaits you and your children.

Life will present its challenges, as it does for all of us, but just take one day at a time and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

All the best,

Heymum

P.S. Because he has already proven himself to be very irresponsible financially too, make sure to get your child support orders drawn up so that his wages will be garnished straight out of his paycheck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 4:26am
O.K. Hear this. LEAVE. LEAVE AND NEVER LOOK BACK! You are not Psycho for ending a relationship with this jerk. But you should seek professional help if you cling to him after everything he's done. Concentrate on your children and vow to never allow such pain in your children's or your own life again. It will get better if you stop now, it will only get worse and more shameful if you continue. Good Luck,

Been there, done that,

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 1:27am
Oh my goodness. I feel so bad for you. Yours has got to be one of the worst breakup stories I ever heard. Oh man. I feel so much better about my ordinary little breakup now ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 11:31am
Whoa! There is a god. You did you and your kids a big favor by getting away from this man, maybe you or your kids dont see it yet however there is light at the end of the tunnel. There isnt much difference between physical abuse and emotional abuse. You- sorry to say, were abused emotionaly. You have the same bruses as a woman who has been beaten for years. You are not crazy. He only calls you crazy to cover up for him being less of a man due to his infidelity and failure to himself and his family. By him getting angry at you is just a response to guilt. Nothing is your fault- youre not the one who failed your kids, he is. Your kids need to be around a healthy man not a sick one. Kids grow up only knowing whats right and wrong from mom and dad- (monkey see, monkey do) your kids shouldnt be around a man- or anyone for that matter, that doesnt show you respect in any shape of form! You should have no guilt right now, people make mistakes, you should be proud that you just taught your kids a valuble lession. You taught your kids that even through your mistakes you can still turn it around and make things right again. If he doesnt want to see your kids, or his own son for that matter, hes the one who lost and ran away with his tail between his legs. You kicked the king from your empire and now the queen reins. It sound to me that you were stonger than him anyways. A weak man can not live very well with a strong woman. They feel less of a man, unfortunatly they start going out and trying to find people that make them feel strong again because they are masking what they really feel inside- self doubt. This man has alot of challenges and battles he is going to have to face inside probroly for the rest of his life. You on the other hand have less to worry about, because you know who you are and you are not going to pull yourself down through someone elses pain, you did that long enough. Now its time for you to live for you. Hope I helped, stacy