failed again-long-but desperate 4 help
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failed again-long-but desperate 4 help
| Sun, 09-12-2004 - 6:04pm |
Sorry this is long-but I'm desperate for help. I married shortly after my first divorce. My first ex and I are friends, and we both know it was for the better for us not be together. We have a daughter together and we keep things happy for her. My second marriage isn't even a year along, and already we are splitting up, and I'm 7 months pregnant. He promised us the world, but when it came down to supporting us, he didn't. Not just financially, but emotionally. He got a job as P.I. and started staying out all night. His schedule for his first case was structured because it was internal in a business. It started w/being out until 1 a.m. and then it turned into 5:30 a.m. Then on weekends (which he wasn't working), he would leave on Fri night and not come home until Sunday night. Sometimes he never bothered to call. He always said he was at his brothers. He came home with make up on his shirt once. Now that he is on his second case, he was provided a house. He swears he has never cheated. We have been "on & off" w/the relationship for the last 3 weeks. I was going to buy him a truck and for some reason, I checked his email. He had emailed his ex-girlfriend, calling her by my "pet name" and gave her his cell number-a number he wouldn't even give me. Of course, now I have it. I called him the other day and he told me to hold on. He put the phone down. I could hear everything that was going on...so I listened. He was driving w/his brother and some other unknown males. I could only hear him clearly. Then he said "there's a hot @** bartender that works in that bar, I F-d her all night once. Then she started calling while I still lived at home." I almost threw up. My concern had been confirmed, he was cheating. After a few mins, I hung up and called him back-he had forgotten he had put the phone down. After being in our house for 9 months, he has yet to help w/any bills. He kept all his paychecks, only buying groceries once, and putting $150 towards rent. I paid for his 2 sons plane tickets at Christmas, paid for his bankruptcy attorney, and paid almost $1000 for his old truck to get fixed, paid old utility bills in his name. He only worked 2 of the months he lived here. He constantly yelled at me for not having money, and blamed me for anything and everything. Even woke me up once (while I'm pregnant) because I didn't take the trash to the curb. He overdrew "our" bank acct, which was my acct, while I was in the hosp. Out of 4 days, he only visited for a total of 3 hours. He swears to this day he has never cheated, I questioned him on what I heard on the phone, he hung up on me. I kept questioning him, and he just denies it. He says I am a psycho Bi###! Then there is his online activity. Porn for hours at a time, everyday. I got access to his "secret" email account and he had over 100 chat friends, some of which had been on there for years(before we met). But a couple were in the middle of conversations w/him. I locked out his account, and I used the messenger to see how involved he was w/them. He had one poor girl believing he was going to buy her a visa to live here w/him and then marry her. Believe me, this is only the top layer of what has gone on. We are seperated and I feel so guilty. I let him into my daughter's life-she is crushed. And now he doesn't want anything to do w/our baby-and now I'll have a son who doesn't have a father. I feel like such a failure to my children for making bad decisions. And to this day, I wish my husband loved me like I love him. I want it to be over-yet at the same time, I want him to come back to us. Maybe he is right, maybe I am psycho!

What we hope to gain from our mistakes is the knowledge not to make the same mistake again. Sometimes, we may make them several times.
It has been my experience that anyone that sights OUR "imperfections" are masking their own.
Deception? It's their deception, they try to throw whatever blame that they can on the innocent party.
Be strong and know that you and your children will be better off with you and growing together than to be bound by someone that does not want to be bound to you and them. Or, will in time, continue to practice deception at every given opportunity.
The only way now is up.
Your life will be what you make it. Lose the baggage.
I don't think he's worth it. Do you?
Don't ever lose yourself, you are the only person that you can depend on. It will seem hard in the beginning, but the payoff in the end is worth it.
After reading your post, your H really sounds awful and like he's living life as a single man. I'm not sure what reasons he gave you for why he wanted to get married in the first place, but that's all besides the point now.
You've done a lot to help him and you sound like a very caring and loving woman. Hold your head up high and make concrete plans to move forward with your life. Forget about him. He sounds very selfish, immature and too ill-equipped to be the responsible husband (and father for your children) that you need.
Focus on taking good care of yourself, your daughter and little one. Get rid of him and build a new life for yourself and your children, and don't look back. Don't look back in regret for choices you made or in sadness for what was or that things didn't work out. Shut all of that out of your mind as best as you can and focus on the bright and happy future that awaits you and your children.
Life will present its challenges, as it does for all of us, but just take one day at a time and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
All the best,
Heymum
P.S. Because he has already proven himself to be very irresponsible financially too, make sure to get your child support orders drawn up so that his wages will be garnished straight out of his paycheck.
Been there, done that,