Falling apart
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| Wed, 10-18-2006 - 4:32pm |
Here's my story. I met this man at work over 6 yrs ago (2000->me-23 him-27). He was already in the process of going thru a divorce. He asked me to lunch. I hesitated. Finally, I w/on my 1st date w/him, even tho I did NOT find him attractive.I w/home, knowing/feeling "this is the man I want to spend my life with", only telling my mother.We cont to date, hoping the divorce would hurry up since the soon to be ex wouldn't let him see the kids (no court ord papers). Of course that would kill me too. One day,6 months later,he told me he couldn't be w/me anymore bcz he missed his kids too much.He w/back to her (she had an affair, she didnt want him but didnt want anybody else to have him).I was DEVASTATED.I still had to see him at work, which sucked. I prayed that he would come back to me & sure enough, he showed up at church, asking me to forgive him, to take him back. I figured he must be telling the truth, he is at God's home. We got back together, she agreed to sign the papers before she knew he came back to me. He proposed to me, I accepted. She didn't sign. It was back/forth 2 more times w/the kids NEVER wanting to meet me, she finally signed after the whole court deal a yr later, until one day he said he was done (2002).We went our separate ways after 2 yrs of this.He ended up remarrying her, even tho I told him it would never work just for the kids sake. You have to love the person as well. He didn't listen. I finally closed that door (in 2004) after 2 yrs of being single.I met a great guy, no baggage, no children, nothing. Even though I did love him,my heart was not there.We dated a little over 1 1/2 yr, even talked about marriage.I ended up leaving the relationship when at Thanksgiving w/his family, they were drawin names for xmas, which they did not include me or my son.RED FLAG, esp for my son. So, once again, Im sad, but still my heart was with the OTHER, who I had not seen/talked to,since he was trans to another division elsewhere soon after our split.I get promoted,lucky me soon started working w/him,but diff floors.1 day, while working out during my lunch,he shows up.We talk, not knowing that we weren't w/the others anymore.One day,we decide to go out to lunch.He told me that I was right about it not working out and he had left a few months back.We confessed we still loved one another and that the feeling the other was "the one" never went away.The kids are older, and not wanting to see him at all. My son was excited,since he raised him since he was almost 10 mths.Here we are,2006, no ties whatsoever, but somehow our paths crossed again.I noticed that when he would drink alot, he would say the meanest of things he couldnt remember the next day. She started her drama w/me,having her friend drag my name in the dirt,with God-awful lies.His mother/father/kids turned their backs on him, again, thanks to her.My family welcomed him back w/open arms, since they know how his family is. We both thought it was weird,how we still felt the same way, w/almst a 4 yr gap and no communication.We had so many great times/vacations with one another, but we argued alot becz i felt he would drink too much at times, calling me names,verbally abusing me.He wouldn't remember and even broke down, crying and apologizing over and over.Even tho it felt like a KO each time, I got right back up because I felt as though he needed me as that strong back bone. He admitted that he needed & loved me, since I've NEVER turned my back on him, and said he would slow down.I kept telling him to open up, not to bottle it in bcz he'll one day lose it.Everything I've ever said to him has happened.He w/golfing and drinking almost 2 sat's ago, and came over to my place, of course, tipsy. We w/to a party, where he started talking crazy, again. I was ready to leave,he agreed, then said he was walking home because he was done w/me, since I was acting stupid.-->I grabbed him by the belt loops, telling him I can take him home, it was dangerous to walk a long way. And 4 doing that, he said I was pyscho.I finally let him walk away, the hardest thing to do.My son is devastated, Im falling apart. But no matter what has been said or done, that "feeling" wont go away.I keep praying,but nothing helps.I can't be mad at him because his mother raised him in such a wrong way (hateful), it would bring tears to your eyes.Last Friday,I sent an associate a text, asking her to watch him for me at her party.Something awful nearly happened to him and she told him what I sent.He sat there, nearly in tears, not drunk, saying "She's ALWAYS right.I love her and miss her so much. I dont care about myself anymore."She said he looked like he was going to cry, even being like that at the party.I w/and got EVERYTHING-6 yrs worth of memories, clothes,etc.He still has not returned my keys to my place and my car.I tried calling him, and since his heart is "wired" different,he says mean things in order to make it easier for him.Then last nite, he sent "I am not trying to make u hate me, I will never hate you, I will always love you." I've done a great job not calling or trying to see him.I only sent a message re:our belongings.Why would our paths cross again, esp w/no ties?Why would he tell others all of this, and me a different thing?If you made it this far, Im sorry, but I also thank you. Call me stupid, but I still can't be mad at him for what he has said. Hurt, yes. Some even say they feel bad for him because of the way his whole family turned on him, including his children.He is a great guy that I love w/all my heart, whom I feel is "the one" for me, but I am praying that feeling goes away. For some reason, I feel as though he may come back. His best friend said he would try to help him, but now that he's single, his single friends like that even more. I am so confused as to why again, after so many years w/no contact? Even my own mother said that she feels bad for him and said he'd be back because he has told my parents over and over how great of a mother and woman I am to him.I am falling apart but hoping that one day, I can shut this door forever. I've always been at least 100% right w/gut feelings, and this one is telling me its not over.What's even harder, is wishing we don't run into each other walking in/out of the building. I really do need advice because I care about what happens to him. I love him w/everything I have. Does he really hate me when he's drunk and NOW, when he feels like he should say mean things to make it easier for him?
Edited 10/18/2006 4:40 pm ET by ninijo
Edited 10/18/2006 4:44 pm ET by ninijo
Edited 10/18/2006 4:49 pm ET by ninijo
Edited 10/18/2006 4:52 pm ET by ninijo

Carrie
The good thing about all of this is that when we did argue when he would drink alot was when my son was w/my parents or a cousins. We did argue in front of him, but NOTHING CLOSE to the nites w/drinking.My son adores him. He stepped in and did alot for my son, which I will forever be grateful for. He is a great man but w/so much built inside. I respect anything my mother tells me and she's a to-the-point, oh well if it hurts type of person, and she said the same thing, and that she doesn't want to hate him (bcz her and my father love him) especially hearing me so upset.She said that I need to pray for him and also talk to his friend. Its different when a friend tells u vs ur ex. I understand your point->role model-that's why I used to always tell him not to say mean things when he was mad because u never knw what will happen, and i wouldn't want my son to base his feelings on something he thought 5 sec before saying.What I hate NOW, is having to walk out from work and praying that I dont run into him......its hard,especially when we have the same friends.
Oh boy, there's so much going on here, I'm not even sure where to begin.... Wait, yes I do.
I read your reply.I copied it to help me get thru.I've done all I could to help, so why do I feel so disappointed in myself, like I ruined everything and failed? If someone needed money, I gave, or needed to borrow my car, I lent, an ear/shoulder to cry on->I stayed up as long as I needed, in order for my friends to let it ALL out, without expectations. But at the same time, I lost my self respect, weight, and what I found a while back that made me even more depressed,a huge patch of hair missing->bald. So now, Im even more upset just seeing what I've lost. He was not this way back then. I really thought fate and God brought us back together.I feel stupid now. It's so hard, because not only am I missing him, but so is my son, who will be my main focus, especially helping him sort out his feelings. I try not to cry in front of him.It's mainly when he's asleep, when Im by myself driving, or when I run during lunch. My son knows I'm hurting and I know he's hurting. He has a great heart for such a little boy. When he saw me sitting there on the sofa, he stood in front on me and asked me what I was doing? I said nothing, just thinking. He sat down beside me and held my hand. He said "mommy, we can be sad together because I miss him so much too."That ripped me to pieces. So I asked him "well, what do you want to do?", you know, to get our minds off of "him". He said "be strong for you because I have a bigger heart". Yes, I am VERY blessed to have such a loving son, how could I not get up, bake his favorite cookies and play Connect Four until bedtime? So, from missing my ex even more so and hearing what my ex and I taught my son, it's one huge emotional roller coaster.I pray that God helps all 3 of us because right now, we all really need it.
Thank you for your encouraging words.
You have an amazing little boy, but you know that already.
We split on Oct. 7/8, and I've had no contact w/him for 6 days. I was so upset this past Sat because he was supposed to take me to some concert. Well, I was upset until a friend of mine called me and said that he can't find a date and asked her boyfriend if she had any friends. They have no clue we talk. She told him she didn't and that it's his own damn fault he can't find one. Funny how when we were together, when he had been drinking and would get mad, he would say "I'm gonna find someone new...." etc. Supposedly, the date he had bailed out. It's been 2 weeks, and STILL couldn't find a date? I sure do hope he gets a good taste of how single life/rebounding can still be just as painful. I'm one to believe that when rebounding is your main goal in order to help you overcome your pain (and forget the ex), it's guaranteed to bite you in the butt w/only more hurt to add on.When he left years ago, he would tell me how he would lay in bed, just missing me, wondering where I was. Now, I hope he's not only doing that, but wondering "what's her name again?" when he rolls over the next morning and can't remember who's in his bed. I wish him no harm. Just hoping Karma pays his butt a visit. My son is truly a blessing and is getting better, with the help of a journal. He's still hurting though. We both are. We are helping each other thru this painful time. And I wouldn't want any other person there to help me but him.
Ah. But I still miss him dearly.
Well, I was doing so good with the NC until he sent me a message on Monday nite. He sent message after message saying "I miss u so much, my heart is dead for anyone after, u & me are the greatest tragedy I've ever seen, a stranger in my arms is nothing compared to how I feel w/u, it kills me that I cant be with you BUT we don't work together, its that simple, but you will forever have my heart." Yes, I did reply saying that at first I was falling apart, but bcz I love u THAT much, and this being what ur heart desired, I promised the next time u left, I'd pray that God will help me walk the other way. I thought it would be different this time, but it wasn't. Hopefully, one day, you will meet THAT SOMEONE who won't make you feel like you are "wired differently". That's a lame excuse I don't care to hear anymore. I'm happy 2 hear that you are, what you call "moving on" by covering up ur hurt w/rebounds.I know you, I know how you work and it's not all what you claim it to be.I saw you. You are falling apart just as well. Just remember, the rebounds won't be there every minute of the day. There will be one second out of each day that something will remind you of me and it will sucker punch you so hard in the stomach to remind you of what you let go. I choose my son's heart over yours. I decided to Let go. Let God. This is my time now, and I choose this time to reflect on my son and myself and hopefully, one day, you'll be able to sit down, do the same, and make all the necessary changes within so you won't have to keep using lame excuses/rebounds your whole life.You know what you need to work on, you said so yourself. I apologize that you didn't get to see just how great of a mother and woman I am when you were drunk.You are right. It is a tragedy. It would've been beautiful.I'll continue keeping you in my prayers. When you do find yourself missing me, just close your eyes, place your hand over your heart, and that's where you'll find me. I'll never be too far away. The best of luck to you and your children and I hope that one day, you'll be able to know when enough is enough, and let your heart do what it's intended to do. It can, or I wouldn't have fell so deep in love with you so many years ago. I love you. Take care."
That was my closure. That's what I needed. And now, I don't have such a hard time falling asleep. Does it hurt? Of course, like hell! But I've let go and let God. If His intentions are for our paths to cross again, so be it. But I won't be standing there, looking and waiting. I thank everyone for their comments, advice, and posts because this has truly helped me. I'm still so heart broken. But I got that closure I needed without breaking down and calling him. I got it by following the NO CONTACT rule.
Well, I was doing so good with the NC until he sent me a message on Monday nite. He sent message after message saying "I miss u so much, my heart is dead for anyone after, u & me are the greatest tragedy I've ever seen, a stranger in my arms is nothing compared to how I feel w/u, it kills me that I cant be with you BUT we don't work together, its that simple, but you will forever have my heart." Yes, I did reply saying that at first I was falling apart, but bcz I love u THAT much, and this being what ur heart desired, I promised the next time u left, I'd pray that God will help me walk the other way. I thought it would be different this time, but it wasn't. Hopefully, one day, you will meet THAT SOMEONE who won't make you feel like you are "wired differently". That's a lame excuse I don't care to hear anymore. I'm happy 2 hear that you are, what you call "moving on" by covering up ur hurt w/rebounds.I know you, I know how you work and it's not all what you claim it to be.I saw you. You are falling apart just as well. Just remember, the rebounds won't be there every minute of the day. There will be one second out of each day that something will remind you of me and it will sucker punch you so hard in the stomach to remind you of what you let go. I choose my son's heart over yours. I decided to Let go. Let God. This is my time now, and I choose this time to reflect on my son and myself and hopefully, one day, you'll be able to sit down, do the same, and make all the necessary changes within so you won't have to keep using lame excuses/rebounds your whole life.You know what you need to work on, you said so yourself. I apologize that you didn't get to see just how great of a mother and woman I am when you were drunk.You are right. It is a tragedy. It would've been beautiful.I'll continue keeping you in my prayers. When you do find yourself missing me, just close your eyes, place your hand over your heart, and that's where you'll find me. I'll never be too far away. The best of luck to you and your children and I hope that one day, you'll be able to know when enough is enough, and let your heart do what it's intended to do. It can, or I wouldn't have fell so deep in love with you so many years ago. I love you. Take care."
That was my closure. That's what I needed. And now, I don't have such a hard time falling asleep. Does it hurt? Of course, like hell! But I've let go and let God. If His intentions are for our paths to cross again, so be it. But I won't be standing there, looking and waiting. I thank everyone for their comments, advice, and posts because this has truly helped me. I'm still so heart broken. But I got that closure I needed without breaking down and calling him. I got it by following the NO CONTACT rule.
Well, its been a while since I've been on this thing.
Just thought I'd FYI you on alot that has happened in one year.
I did what you suggested, about letting go, letting God, the whole moving on, no contact thing. Yes it did work.
Good luck to you, remember to keep your son and what he's learning from all this in the back of your mind. Don't stop having your own activities and your own life to enjoy and grow.
Best of luck!