Falling apart since I saw him

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Falling apart since I saw him
6
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 9:44pm

I posted that I saw him for the first time in 3 months and felt I handled it really well considering how shocked I was at the time. Well once the shock wore off and I started crying I haven't been able to stop. The hardest part of our discussion was him telling me that the last 2 months we were together he didn't think we were doing very well. No specifics, just that we were'nt doing well. Well, the last 2 months we were together, his father was sick and then died and I was taking care of everything at home while he traveled back and forth out of state. I kept everything together at home with his kids so that he wasn't bothered with anything and I drove his kids down for the funeral and brought peace to his family who were all fighting like cats and dogs about putting his mother in a nursing home, etc. In other words I was doing everything I could to keep him sane while everything around him was falling apart and thought that he was going to see that I was really there for him.

I am so frustrated that because he was so stressed out and unhappy those last 2 months due to all of the horrible things going on in his life, he is saying that WE were not good together. I am so hurt that he is taking that unhappy time in his life and blaming it on us when it is so obvious to me that he is thinking he was unhappy about us when he was just unhappy with what was going on in his life and I don't feel he is fairly evaulating our relationship. He is giving up a 7 year relationship over the depression and sadness of his father's death!!! I am having such a hard time accepting that! I keep thinking that he is going to wake up some day and realize the mistake he made.

I have started writing to him 3 times today just about this one thing and then I stop because I wonder what difference would it make? Would he think any differently? Do I just keep trying to heal and be proud of myself that I was able to handle running into him without losing it and making a scene? That I could finally tell him how he made me feel when he broke up with me over the phone? I know I'm rambling but I'm panicking that I have gone so far back in healing. What a setback!!!

Does anyone know if this horrible relapse I am having now a normal thing and that it's going to pass. I can't even think that I am going to be like this everyday. It was pretty embarassing with all of the people coming in my office all day today and me having tears running down my face. I haven't been this bad since New Years Eve. Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 1:09am

I think what you are going through right now is very normal. In a few days, the pain from this encounter will start to fade, and you will be back to healing. Running into him and having a painful discussion brought all those hurtful feelings to the surface. It didn't help that he didn't see you as being there for him during his father's death, but by any measurement you most definitely were there for him. Maybe he doesn't see it, but you have to take pride in yourself that you did the best you could for him in his time of need and let that be enough.

Don't initiate any contact with him. It will only spur further discussions that may end in misery for you. He obviously is viewing your relationship very differently than you are right now. Write that letter to him to release your feelings, then throw it away. Don't send it to him! Then continue as you were before the encounter...healing and taking care of the most important person....YOU!

Best wishes to you!

Kim :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 4:29am

Thanks for the reply. I will most definitely follow your advice of not contacting him. I am struggling pretty bad right now. I tried crying myself to sleep last night and I got the crying thing down okay but the sleeping didn't follow so I just gave up and came to work! I should look great at the banquet I have to go to tonight after work. Anybody have any swollen eye remedies???

I actually think I was better when it first happened, even though I was a wreck then. I think probably because I always had in the back of my mind that he would realize he made a mistake. I think running into him made it more final, even though he seemed so happy to see me and just kept staring at me telling me how great I looked. This is so hard!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 12:21pm
I recently saw my ex for the first time in almost a year. Face-to-face. I am now back at square one with all of these mixed feelings. I miss him so much. Hearing him tell me that he's happy and everything was really hard. Its very hard to look at someone you love and not be able to love them. I keep myself busy that way I wont have time to sit at home and cry. Go running or something!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 1:40pm
I have to say that it's kind of discouraging that you still feel that way after a year. I was hoping that this would get better as time went on. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just snap our fingers and stop loving these guys that don't return it? I can't even imagine how I am going to stop loving someone that I thought I would always be with. It's just so sad to me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 1:40pm

Hi mjohns, I think what you feel is normal. It's devasting to hear that someone you loved totally missed seeing everything you did for them especially during a difficult time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 1:49pm
Thanks for your advice. I know in my head that I can't wait for him but if only my heart could get there too! It's amazing to me that two people can be in the same relationship and have such different views of what the relationship is. What was really hard this weekend is that I haven't seen him at all in the last 3 months, then I run into him and have the discussion and then the next day we pass each other in cars (he didn't see me since I was in someone else's car). I thought I handled it so well when we had the conversation (I didn't lose it or get emotional, just told him how he made me feel) and then when I saw him the next day it was almost like it was just too much! Everybody told me I need to get out on the weekends and stop hibernating and the first weekend I do I see him both days! I really didn't want to see him for another 3 months, when MAYBE I would be able to handle it even better. Now I'm just a wreck!