Fear of being alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fear of being alone
4
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 6:54pm
I have a huge problem. Somebody needs to tell me what to do. I have a fear of being alone after a break up, not that I will stay alone forever, not that one. I jsut can't be alone in my room or just feeling that I am alone terrifies me. My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago and I couldn't let it go, because I was terrified to go throw that break up, being depressed, being alone. We were dating for 1 year and 3 months and I already knew that I need to get out when we were dating for 6 months. I actually initiated a break up but the next day I felt so bad and called him but he did not want to get back together. I cried and kept asking if he was sure. I insisted on trying to work it out, in a week he broke it off again. I knew he is not a guy for me, but I was so scared to go through that pain and rejection. I live alone, my family is far away, may be that's why I have that thing going on in my head. So when i have that fear I have the thoughts to call him and just be around him because I can't handle with being lonely at all. Also i realized that I had the same problem with my other ex. I couldn't let it go because I was terrified to go through that break up, feeling alone, depressed and lonely. I am just having panic attacks and do not want to live.
I understand everything and try to work on it but it's not working. I am just scared that I would get into another relationship again and would lie to myself abut loving this person and be with him even though I would know that it's not working and I need to get out. How to get rid of this fear? What should I do to trick my brain?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 7:04pm

Hi tanula,


I remember my first break-up and living alone. I could only do it for about 4 month. Coming home every night and crying and feeling oh so lonely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 7:13pm

I know that feeling too. I was in a relationship for almost 5 years, and I decided to break up. He was being a jerk to me and treating me bad. However, I remained in the relationship because of my fear of being alone. However, as much as it hurts being alone it is far better than staying with him and I think that is what you need to think about. Being alone sucks, but aren't you better off without him?

I have relied on friends for support. I also began writing about my feelings as another way to vent. It is important that you allow yourself to mourn and cry. I cried for days if not weeks. But at some point I understood that I needed to move on. I got tired of listening to myself talk about the same thing over and over again. I haven't moved on completly but I'm in the process. My suggestion: call old friends. Sometimes we neglect our friends when we are in a relationship. Go out with them (dinner, movies), join a gym, a dance class, stay busy. If you don't like to be alone, don't be. But that doesn't mean you have to go back with your boyfriend or date someone else now. Try to do activities involving others, do things you always wanted to do but never got to do. Find a new passion. That is my suggestion. It is certainly easier said that done, but it can be done. With time, you'll learn to enjoy yourself with or without a boyfriend. I hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 7:44pm

I live alone and my family is all the way across the country, also. But I'm not lonely overall. There are certain days here or there when it's a feeling of, 'be nice if someone was here with me,' but lonely, no. One thing my ex was concerned about for me after the breakup was feeling that I didn't have anyone here to support me afterwards. Oddly for him, he took the time right after the breakup just a little harder than I did, because although he has his whole family here, he doesn't share too much with them, while I have my friends, and I talk to them about everything.

There's a difference between alone and lonely. You can be alone and not feel lonely, yet you can be in a crowded room and feel like the loneliest person there. If you're lonely, go spend some time with the aged in convalescent or retirement homes, or do some volunteer work in a homeless shelter, THOSE people are truly lonely AND alone in the world. Giving them of your time will make YOU feel amazing.

The "trick" you're looking for is to be happy with your own company. Overall contentment in doing things for and with yourself, things you enjoy, things that expand your experience of life, that improve you as a person. The result of being happy with your own company is that you will never again need anyone to entertain you, to fill your time, to make you feel good about yourself, AND other people will enjoy your company even more. Funny how that works...

I kept unbelievably busy after the breakup, I painted my house, redecorated every room, remodeled one, invited friends to stay with me from out of town, I went out of state to visit friends, I went to art shows, concerts, ball games, dinner, and movies with AND without my friends, I took a class online, I've signed up for dancing lessons, I'm looking into starting art classes again in the fall, just all kinds of things. find something you don't' know about and teach yourself everything there is to learn about it, go where others who know what you want to know hang out.

Put all the suggestions you get from everyone to GOOD USE. There's no magic pill, there's no instant trick-- there's time and there's effort and there's you, and really, that's all you need.

Best,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 11:47am

Tanula...

You're probably going to find this difficult to believe...but there are nights and weekends (and a few holidays) HATES THE "LONELINESS THING" TOO!

My only suggestions when you don't have a partner...are to focus on:

a. the hobbies and activities you ENJOY that you can do by yourself
b. the chores you HAVE to do by yourself (like laundry, dusting, shopping, etc.)
c. exploring the unknown that you've always wanted to...but didn't have a partner who was interested?
d. Making an appearance at a church or public event where others haven't seen you in AGES?

Granted...none of these are a substitute for a TRUE, CARING, LOVING B/F OR SPOUSE..but all 4 will take your mind off of "crying over spilt milk!"

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy