Feedback on book purchase

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Feedback on book purchase
7
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 2:51pm

So yesterday, I bought this book called "Catch Him and Keep Him" off the Internet. I kind of giggle at myself for doing it, because it was on a cheesy website. I'm also going to be checking my cc account to make sure it's legit.

Anyway, I was reading it yesterday, and it has some interesting points about how some women have a tendency to feel a connection very early on and ignoring the signs that men inadvertently send out that they are not committment ready. I think I did that with my last boyfriend. He swept me off my feet initially, and I thought it was because he loved me. He even started saying it early on. Then things slowed down (incidentally, it was right around the same time that my schedule opened up), and he started saying things about how his family is full of failed marriages and he is cynical about committment. I would ignore it and he would do something nice for me, and I told myself that HE hadn't inherited the non-committal gene. I kept ignoring it, even as the "hints" became more and more frequent. If I had been on my game, I should have taken him a lot more seriously then. Also, I need to manage the speed of my relationships a lot better, so that I can drop the 'committment-phobe' without being crushed.

I haven't read the book word-for-word yet, but it is making a lot of sense to me already. Has anyone else read it? Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 11:43pm

krismae2006

I have not read that particular book, but have read many others,...hes scared shes scared, etc..i am changing thigns to..my ex moved real fast, then gone..but i take my part..i played the right along with him...it sounds like you have learned alot after your relationship...me too..those books also say that the commitment phobe relationsheips..once they are over, those are the hardest ones to get over....

I am right with you...its been 5 months for me...i have learned how to spot the red flags..and to stay away from the cp men...atleast you can see what you have learned from the relationship..tske what you were taught from this past relationships..and move forward by doing thigs differently....stay

i had so many red flags that he portrayed..like your guy, and i ignored them..thinking oh no he wont be that way with me...i have learned to take seriously the messages these "guys" say..and head the other way in the future..if that is the case.....

i have read a ton of the other cp..emotionally unavailable books ..if you have questions..i am here...mine was a total cp..trust me he told me..and i laughed it off!!!
NOT ANY MORE!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 12:11am

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. ;)

The guy's legit. Hopefully from your reading of his material, you'll see not only the guy's issues, but you'll start to see where YOU ran this relationship overboard also, unlike so many other women who just leave it all on the guy and his "commitmentphobic" problems. It takes two. Always. Hopefully you'll also come to see that if a man is supposedly commitmentphobic, many times much of his problem isn't in commitment itself, but rather it has to do with the way some women act in relationships.

Enjoy the book, take what you can from it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 9:05am
Oh definitely. I think that my guy was definitely what some would call a "committment-phobe", but the way I dealt with it was exactly the wrong way. I became needy and threw in my "relationship debt", instead of being assertive and confident. I started to give and compensate, which only pushed him away. It's awful reading about yourself in a book, but it's good to learn how to act in certain situations. Too bad it's too late.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 10:44am

Too late for what? For this relationship? No, that's not how the world works. Realize that eveything is ALWAYS as it should be. This relationship was bought into your life probably for the very reason to help you see what *you* had been doing all along in possibly many of your other relationships. Apparently you weren't learning your lessons from more subtle relationships, so this one had to happen. Going through that fire is teaching you about yourself and helping to bring clarity to your own life, so if you're thinking it's too late, or that it was a lost cause or something along those lines, you're wrong. You went through that to get to this place in *your* life now, and now you know what (not) to do for next time. In just that small realization, you've changed the course of your life. Exciting, isn't it?

Best,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 6:11pm

Well, moreso it's too late for me to improve myself in time to save this last relationship (after the second try). I thought I had done a lot from the last time we broke up by getting out and meeting new people, but that was just one part of my life that I needed to improve. The funny thing is that the last time, I would always get upset if he didn't have time for me. So this time, I was pretty busy and wanted him to make time for me when I had time. I see now I was not really addressing the deeper issues. I think some people would think I was crazy for even wanting to try again. Besides, he was already feeling the "flight" response, so I'm not sure I can just flip a switch and turn things around.

Also, is there a suggested reading list in the resources section? I think that would be a really cool addition to this board. Just a suggestion :-)

I like this last book and "Why Men Love Bitches", although I think "Catch Him and Keep Him" is a little better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 11:04pm

You're right about the reading list, I think it's finally time to put one in the Resources section. Carrie and I have been tossing that idea around for a while now, and I think we tried to do one before, but it morphed into something else altogether. I've read so many different books on relationships, empowerment, self-actualization, etc., that for a while there, I was worried I wasn't taking anything in anymore. My brain felt like mush ;) Maybe I'll put my own little synopsis on each one, and others can add their views as well. Hmm... project!

Another one to read: How to make every man want you (or make yours want you more): How to be so damn irresistible you'll barely keep from dating yourself! by Marie Forleo. Long, ridiculously silly title which completely belies the absolute pearls of wisdom inside the cover, every single sentence in that book is totally useful, and actually putting the ideas into practice positively affects not just romantic relationships, but most importantly your relationship with yourself, and your interactions with pretty much anyone else you come into contact, male or female :)

Starting the list.....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 11:33pm
Amazon delivers the book on Weds!!! I'm camping this weekend, so I'll have lots of time to catch up on reading.