Feeling betrayed
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| Wed, 01-11-2006 - 5:36pm |
My boyfriend just broke up with me yesterday after being together for almost four years. We had fought before and talked about ending it and then gotten back together saying we just need to work on it and every single time we keep having the same problem. We just can't be honest about our feelings with each other. We are such conflict avoidant people so much that we just internalize all the anger we feel towards each other and keep it into ourselves. And though I realize now that he broke up with me because he was unhappy I feel like I've been in denial and I have been just as unhappy. And it makes me sad knowing that we have finally just given up, but maybe we just never tried because we thought "love was enough." I know that sounds so cliche but I think it's just so true. I love my boyfriend so much and we just used to be so passionate about each other and now while we both know that we still love each other the passion has cooled and replaced with this big communication barrier.
And not I'm just afraid that it's too late for me, for us to learn our lesson. Why do we keep making the same mistakes? Is it because this is just the way we are and we can't change or that we know we have to change and changing is just too difficult and we're too afraid too? I don't know and I may never know.
But now, I think the most prominent feeling I feel now is betrayed. This is the one time we argued and I actually believed we'd come out of this as a stronger couple. I didn't see this break up coming. I thought we'd just work on it like we say we always say we want to. And I even feel more betrayed knowing that he gave up on me, on us, on himself. And I believed that this one time he wouldn't. I just feel sooo betrayed and above all ... just really hurt.
What is a girl to do? Please help.

((HUGS)) I'm sorry you're going through a tough time right now. It will get better, remember that. I'm not sure of your spirituality, but keep it in check.
First of all, it sounds like you're hanging on to the past and how things used to be. Your relationship has changed and evolved and you want it to be like it was, and you both want eachother to be as you knew one another in the beginning of your relationship.
"I love my boyfriend so much and and now while we both know that we still love each other the passion has cooled..."
I, too, like you was hanging on to what I remembered of the great stages of my relationship. I had every hope in the world that he would go back to the way he was, the loving, respectful guy I knew. I waited for 2 years for him to change...it never happened.
"Why do we keep making the same mistakes?"
I feel that you keep making the same mistakes for the same reasons as everyone else does. The face of the problem is just picked off the top. The real underlying cause of it is not addressed, so the mistake is continued to be made. When something has been a habit so to speak, it's hard to break it. It's not that you don't want to change or are afraid to, it's that you've had something ingrained in your brain for so long, you REALLY have to work at it to fix it.
As for your feelings of betrayal, I'm not quite sure where that's coming from. I know you said you feel like he's just giving up on you, on your relationship, but maybe this is all happening for a reason.
"We just can't be honest about our feelings with each other."
Honesty is the first policy. If you can't be honest with eachother...what can you do?
This will hurt for a while, don't get me wrong. Make sure you're talking to people about how you're feeling. It DOES NOT help at all to keep it all in and try to deal with this on your own.
Take your time with this. Reevaluate the situation. Like I said, everything happens for a reason. Try not talking to him for a few days...
Best wishes, be strong!
Amanda
Dear Amanda,
I think you've just given me a great new perspective and I thank you so much for it, it was exactly what I needed to hear. I think you are just right on target when you say that I've been hanging on to the past and how things used to be. I know that the relationship has changed and we need different things from each other now. And I know I've been trying to avoid change because again I know its difficult and I like to avoid conflict.
As for feeling betrayed I think I just really mean that I just feel really hurt because we had told each other we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with each other and now that it's taken all back, I guess we just assumed that knowing that would be enough. And thank you, I will be taking my time with this and I know it will hurt for awhile but I know life will go on. And I am just really lucky that I still have a good support system.
When it comes down to all, all confusion aside, ultimately I'm just sad because he just meant so much to me and in a lot of ways he's really helped make me such a better person. How do you let go of that? After being so involved in each other's lives for so long I guess the hard part for me is deciding whether I still want to fight for it knowing that the other person might not want to or just letting go. I feel like I realized everything just all too late. I guess its true what they say when a person is gone is when you realize how much that person really means to you huh? So sad.
But again, facing the present, thank you so much for the support =)
I know the feeling - if your ex-boyfriend was anything like mine, he had such a hard time talking about his feelings that he couldn't admit anything was wrong before the breakup. In my case, I happen to be a "get it out in the open" kind of a girlfriend - when there's a problem, I want to know about it, so we can determine together if we can get past it or should call it quits. My ex lied to me for months about the fact that he was having doubts about our relationship - in fact, the night before the break up he was still making plans with me to go on vacation depite the fact that I'm fairly certain he'd already decided to break up with me!! Betrayal is *exactly* the right word to describe how I felt about the breakup... To tell me that everything was fine and he wanted to stay with me up to the night before and then turn around and leave me was devestating. I wish I could say I've been able to get past the anger/sadness/depression that his lies caused, but I'm *still* angry and hurt 3 months later. However, I believe that we will all heal in time... I know we're great people and deserve great people in our lives. I wish you best and will be thinking of you!
--hurtingbutstrong
I too have a pretty good idea of how you are feeling. It has been a month since my ex-boyfriend ended our three year relationship. We had been discussing marriage and me moving (a LDR, but we saw each other on weekends) and he was planning our winter vacation up until a few days before the break-up. I could tell him anything, he could tell me anything, unless it was about his feelings. Which is probably why he chose to break up with me in an email- short and sweet, just an "I think it is best for the both of us if we don't see each other anymore." I made one phone call, he was annoyed and could offer me no reason, other than assuring me it wasn't because of me. I understand the betrayal feeling completely- I am now left wondering what else he had not been honest with me about.
Like you, my ex helped me become better in so many ways, some big and others not so much. If you have made changes that have improved your life, why should you let go just because he helped you change? Find a way to put a new spin on those areas and make them yours. One thing I've done recently is change up my house (which I bought right before we started dating, so there is his influence around)- rearrange furniture, closets, etc.-to create a new surrounding for myself.
I think it is important to let the thought of him go. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't see you for the wonderful person you are? No matter how hard you try, you cannot change someone, or their feelings. I realize some people end up getting back together, but why set yourself up for more disappointment if he doesn't change his mind? Several of my male friends told me to be open to him coming back. I spent the first couple of weeks checking voicemail and email nonstop, only to be hurt when there wasn't anything. By no means do I not hurt right now, but at least I check my email without expecting to see his name.
One piece of advice I got was to write about the experience. I thought it was a little silly at first, but I have written daily for the last week and it has helped me tremendously. I wrote a four page letter to him in minutes and it promptly went to the shredder, but I felt so good to get out how he had hurt me. It does get a little easier each day (like everyone says) but take your time and be good to yourself. You are in my thoughts!