Feeling like a big relapse is coming

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Feeling like a big relapse is coming
17
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 11:14pm

I have been so strong..i love giving advice to others, but lately I am having such a hard time taking my own advice...It has been 11 weeks since breakup..i have not contacted him at all...he has not contacted me at all...I guess i read other posts..where the exs call..text..something..I get nothing..I guess it just hurts to think he has just totallly vanished out of my life..I know, I know..it is for the best that he does not give me false hope..I guess it would just like to know he even cared:( Its like..we went thru so much together..so quickly..and it was so easy for him to go....I read hes scared..shes scared...and it totally fits him..that book helped because he so fits the emotionally unavailable/comm phobe..they say sometimes they just DISSAPEAR..well..thats him!!

I guess..also..my brothers girlfriend found out she was pregnant..it brought up alot of emotions for me..I was pregnant, my ex was the dad and i had a bad miscarraige. in november..it brought up feelings of.."oh, if i never had a misscarr. we would still be together..." and I just felt so sad that we were going to have a child together..and i have lost both of them...I just felt sad..I felt like emailing him, telling him about my brother and girlfriend ..and their great news (him and my brother were close) but why? he probably would not respond..and i would just be dissapointed..i have gone almost 3 months of nc..i cant break it..............i dont want to regress.....I have been trying to figure out why i got involved with someone who is totally comm. phobe...and I need to let go of him...its so hard..it is so hard..i just wish he wanted to work it out like i did..but his feelings were gone......i just dont even have a desire to date..and i dont know when my desire will come back!! I just dont get how..it seems all the exs on this board..the dumpers..want to be friends with their exs...he just cut me out cold turkey and walked away..no intrest in being friends nothing!! any thoughts or words of encouragement would help me so much right now!!! thanks you all...bella

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 12:42am

Be strong and don't call. Trust me, its not worth giving up all that hard work. My ex wants nothing to do with me and he's the one who cheated and abused and did me wrong. He used to call me every day through out the day to tell me about his work or just to chat and he has not called in 2 weeks. We finally talked on Sunday and we ended up hokking up. HUGE mistake because he still does both want me in his life.

Please be strong and know in your heart that this is for the better. I try to convince myself this every day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 8:53am

Bellaa,

I understand that you are upset that your ex hasn't called you or tried to get into contact with you. I, too went through something like this where he treated me like the most inconsequential thing in the world after the breakup. Three months later when he felt secure enough in his rebound relationship (ridiculous - considering he tried so hard to be all over me and said the most inappropriate things about missing me and dreaming about me) he showed up wanting to talk. I asked him about the disappearing act, the hateful words, the unwillingness to get our affairs settled (we lived together) during that time, the fact that he didn't pay our bills and I went without electric and cable for a day, many other things too. His response was this, "It's painful for me, and I guess I'm just trying to ignore the whole thing. Car, you know how I am. I avoid responsibility, and anything that brings to mind my failures". I was so saddened by that statement. That the 3 1/2 years we spent together could just be ignored and blown off because he was able to bury it with all his other issues.

Maybe this is the way you should look at him. He's too irresponsible emotionally to deal with how he treated you and how it all played out. It's people like him (and my ex) that walk away when life gets too uncomfortable for them. When life takes effort or doesn't quite fit into the very fragile existence they've built for themselves. People like this have no character because they never face anything that builds it. I think that's how you should look at him from now on - as lacking character. Just my 2 cents, but I hope it gives you some comfort. I remember your story, and the fact that you are still moving forward while working through all this pain is phenomenal. Remember, this situation is temperary and you will get through this.

Good luck to you.

Car

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 8:59am

Bella --

I understand how you feel. You want to think that maybe he's hurting as much as you are. It would help somehow. My ex is emailing, but they're viscious, hurtful emails, blaming me for everything that went wrong. I think I'd take no contact over the attacks.
Yesterday after I tried to call him I felt so rotten. It's not worth your own self-esteem to contact him. It won't help. It'll just make you feel even worse.

Tonight if I get the urge to call I'm going to paint my toenails. That way my hands will be too busy to use the phone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 9:27am
Lawyermom, GREAT idea. Next time, I feel the urge to call him, contact him through email or IM, look up his myspace or xanga, I'm going to paint my toenails. And my fingernails. I'll also set my hair in hot rollers, and have noxema slathered on my face lol. And I never do these things, there's no better time to start! Cleaning out the kitchen cabinets with a toothbrush will make us feel better than what we feel after a relapse. Stay busy, girls!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 9:38am
Oh! I hadn't thought of the other things. How about a bubblebath with candles? Yep, that's the ticket. Anytime we want to contact them, we should do something nice for ourselves. I have a confession to make -- help me out with this one. Last week I went to Victoria's Secret and bought some very sexy lingerie with the plan to wear it for him this past weekend. Now I keep looking at it and it makes me sad. Can't figure out what to do with it. Don't really want to wear it. I guess I'll stuff it in the back of my closet for now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 9:51am

I completely understand your pain, and confusion because I am going through the same situation. I haven't been single for so long I don't know where to begin! It's hard to get back into the "dating" thing again.

My ex and I broke up 11 months ago after dating for almost 5 years. We had broken up before, but it didnt last this long. He hasn't called me, e-mailed me or anything this whole time! No contact at all, he doesnt even say anything about me to our mutual friends. He broke up with me, so I'm waiting for him to contact me. I don't want to get back with him, theres too much history, and the fact that he is OVER me, and I'm clearly not over him kills me!!

When people say that their ex's call them and beg them to come back etc... that must be the greatest feeling! That lets the other person know that they are worth fighting for, which I guess I'm not worth the fight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:09am

Hi,

Sorry about the break up, I know it's heart-wrenching. But congratulations on NO CONTACT.

OF COURSE you're gonna have good and bad days. I'm having a bad day today as well...missing my ex gf, wondering what I could have done or not done etc etc.

But the reality is, I had good and bad days when we were together too. It's not about moods or mood swings, but rather about commitment and a willingness to stay together.

He left, you shouldn't be jealous or envious that some ex's here want to be "friends" with the people they dumped. Mine does...but what does "friends" mean? It means she calls, gets what she wants--comfort, advice, laughs...but you're still in love...so it's an unequal relationship.

You need to accept that IT"S OVER!!!! NOT strategize about how to get this person back. He's gone. OF course he'll come back...make that "curtain call" once he feels "safe" enough away.

But if he's a commitmentphobe....he IS hurting, he was hurting LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG before you met him. He'll be hurting long after.

You have a chance. Suggest if you can't find a way to accept this, talk to a professional about managing your grief and other issues that drive you to accept someone who prompted you to think that "if you hadn't had a miscarriage" or some such thing. Sweetheart...these crises are meant to test the relationship and he failed that test.

Perhaps in some inexplicable way this was a sign that he wouldn't be around in times of trial, so why would you want someone who doesn't value the relationship?

You'll do so much better if you accept it's over, accept that it's going to be painful

Remember, in ancient times, people used to think the world was ending when the days grew shorter, the weather got colder and there was no food growing. Eventually they figured out it was just winter....and if they could plan for it, they could manage, even thrive in the winter and be ready for spring.

It's just a season in your life, not a permanent state of affairs as long as you commit to learning from this and move on....

What would a conversation with him be like right now? I can imagine what one would be like with my ex...me asking her about her bf, her dodging questions, me feeling anxious and upset, her feeling good that I still want her even though she doesn't have to invest anything or any time in our "friendship"... Yuck...no thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:16am

I feel your pain. My ex tells me to stop calling him and that he doesn't want to talk to me. It's THE most painful feeling but the question is...

Why do we want them to call or talk to us when they rejected us? I'm still trying to figure it out...and accept that it's over and he wants nothing to do with me because I "pushed him away" by not moving on and accepting the breakup.

Am I completely wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:28am

No. We are not wrong for feeling this way. It's completely normal (from what I hear) and it's human nature to want what we can't have. In most cases, breakups cause negative feelings and that's what your ex is displaying. By being hurtful to you he is pushing you away, and making it easier on himself (selfish jerk!!) but the truth is, you can only stay mad at someone for sooo long, and when all those angry feelings subside, he will start to remember the good feelings he had about you.

It just happens that way. I can't explain why, and I even have a hard time taking my own advice. But, I have been told that once you forget about something it finds it's way back to you. So... I have been working on that, in hopes that he will realize how great I was to him and beg a little... Just a little. And then I can move on knowing that I made a difference in his life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:50am
Beautifully broken -- where'd you get your screen name? Do you know the Gov't Mule song by that name? I love the song.

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