Feeling like a big relapse is coming

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Feeling like a big relapse is coming
17
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 11:14pm

I have been so strong..i love giving advice to others, but lately I am having such a hard time taking my own advice...It has been 11 weeks since breakup..i have not contacted him at all...he has not contacted me at all...I guess i read other posts..where the exs call..text..something..I get nothing..I guess it just hurts to think he has just totallly vanished out of my life..I know, I know..it is for the best that he does not give me false hope..I guess it would just like to know he even cared:( Its like..we went thru so much together..so quickly..and it was so easy for him to go....I read hes scared..shes scared...and it totally fits him..that book helped because he so fits the emotionally unavailable/comm phobe..they say sometimes they just DISSAPEAR..well..thats him!!

I guess..also..my brothers girlfriend found out she was pregnant..it brought up alot of emotions for me..I was pregnant, my ex was the dad and i had a bad miscarraige. in november..it brought up feelings of.."oh, if i never had a misscarr. we would still be together..." and I just felt so sad that we were going to have a child together..and i have lost both of them...I just felt sad..I felt like emailing him, telling him about my brother and girlfriend ..and their great news (him and my brother were close) but why? he probably would not respond..and i would just be dissapointed..i have gone almost 3 months of nc..i cant break it..............i dont want to regress.....I have been trying to figure out why i got involved with someone who is totally comm. phobe...and I need to let go of him...its so hard..it is so hard..i just wish he wanted to work it out like i did..but his feelings were gone......i just dont even have a desire to date..and i dont know when my desire will come back!! I just dont get how..it seems all the exs on this board..the dumpers..want to be friends with their exs...he just cut me out cold turkey and walked away..no intrest in being friends nothing!! any thoughts or words of encouragement would help me so much right now!!! thanks you all...bella

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:53am

Thanks for the bit of advice. I really needed to hear that today to focus on the other aspects of my life that are quite positive and healthy.

I hope that I can overcome my feelings of sadness and hurt. I just need to keep my mind off of him and not call or text. He said in his last text message to me, "OK move on. I like it when you don't call or text."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 11:05am

Well, I hope that you didn't respond to that message. (I probably would have...) But I know that it's better if you just ignore it. No matter how mean he is being to you!! If he realizes that his actions aren't affecting you, it will bother him, I promise.

In a desperate attempt to talk with my ex, I sent him a text message about a computer I saw that he might want to buy. He responded with, "Well b*tch, buy it for me. Nevermind Beth said she would." (Beth is my friend. well... now my EX- Friend) And that text resulted in a series of about 10 mean texts back and forth. That sucked... and I would have rather not talked to him at all than hear that he was dating my friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 11:07am
Thanks fp-lawyermom! I got it from an Ashlee Simpson song. Personally, I don't like her as an artist, but the song is perfect for me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 11:18am

Here are the Gov't Mule lyrics to Beautifully Broken. The tune is nice too:

mysterious
blown in with the night
all this beauty captured in a frame
visibly shaken but never stirred
drives them insane
i see the way she plays her men - and i know i've got to know her name

she's so beautifully broken
shaped by the wind
dangerously twisted
here i go again

i see the way she casts her spell
it's like drowning in moonlight
discards them when she's done
they're lost in her twilight
i watch her move from star to star and i wonder why
why it feels so right

she's so beautifully broken
you can barely see the flaw
especially from a distance
which is always how i fall

why do i fall for the dangerous ones
the ones that never learned to let go
and why do i lie to myself and pretend thati can break her
when she's already been so beautifully broken

why do i fall for the dangerous ones
the ones that don't know how to let go
and why do i lie to myself and pretend that i can break her
when she's already been so beautifully broken

she's so beautifully broken - shaped by the wind
dangerously twisted
here i go again
here i go again

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 11:27am
The words of encouragement I can give you at this time, which is not all that promising, because of what your feeling and going through, but the words are: "In Time, Your Wounds, Will Heal". You don't understand it now, because it still hurts. I was with you 3 years ago, and just thought the feelings will never go away. I prayed so hard, for God to take away the pain, and it took a long time, but when it was done, it was done. You can't stop what's going on, because the pain is helping you to prepare for your next adventure in life. I promise you that is the truth. I learned so much from my heartache, I can't believe the woman I am today. I would of never thought I could care less about what people said or thought about me. I use to be consumed with that, but now, I'm so comfortable with "ME", that it's ridiculous, the self confidence I have, has been screaming to come out for a long time. I realize, I needed a wake up call, and having my heart broke, was just that. It is a life altering experience. You will never be the same, but you become a better person. One of the hardiest thing I went thru, that your going feeling now, is the "No Contact". It was so hard, and I thought quit smoking was hard. They both ran neck and neck. I would have the withdrawals, and I would go crazy. Some days were good, and some days were real bad. But I made it through, and 11 weeks, turned into 11 months, and then 22 months, and then 33 months. Yes, in the beginning, it was hard, but as time went on, I got to scared to call, because I didn't know what to expect, and I didn't want to feel the rejection, all over again. You need to remember, everytime you want to call, think about the pain your going to feel. That scared me to not do it. Your doing so well, and 3 mos is a hellva accomplishment. I've been reading these boards for 3 years now, and I read over and over, how some regret making that phone call. It sets you back, and it's harder to pick up the pieces again. But eventually, you learn, and you begin to move on. Keep it up, your doing such a good job. I wish you peace, because I know what your feeling, but it will pass, and I can promise you that!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 1:40pm

I thought my story might help out if you are having a moment of weakness.

I went about 3 and 1/2 months with no contact and he didn't contact me either. We dated for 2 years and had broken up twice prior, but I was bound and determined this would be the last time and no contact was the only way for me. Of course, I was sure he would contact me since that is what happened both times previously, but he didn't and it hurt bc I was thinking the same things you were...how can he just forget so quickly, he's obviously already moved on, doesn't he care how I'm doing...and on and on. Looking back, I thank God every day that he didn't contact me during this time because I'm pretty sure I would have lost it all over again.

However, I ended up contacting him a couple of weeks ago in a moment of weakness after I heard something about him. I was shocked that he picked up the phone...but, we talked briefly and it was really, really weird considering that last time I spoke to him was when we ended our relationship. It didn't make me happy or sad, but was just kinda a numb feeling. He did say he was glad to hear from me and found it weird we didn't talk at all as that was never his intention and he wanted us to be friends. So, this little event started a chain of him emailing me and calling me non-stop for a week or so, joking around like old times, etc (note: I didn't pick up all of his calls and would return his emails when I had time, the next day, etc) He also took a mutual friend of ours to lunch(she was with me the night I called him) that he hadn't spoke to in 3 months and basically grilled her about what I had been up to, how I was, if I was seeing anyone, etc. And then he told her "this whole break-up really sucked" and he still really cares about me and thinks I'm a great person, blah, blah and that "it still isn't easy after all of this time..." Of course, these are things that you think you want to hear, that you wait to hear, but in the grand scheme of things, really wish you didn't hear because all of these thoughts that you buried resurface again...atleast they did for me anyways. He obviously told her these things knowing they would get back to me so then I sat there and questioned what does that mean? Does he want me back? Why would he contact her after 3 months and only ask her about me? What were his intentions? SO, after this one week of all these events, all of the sudden I haven't heard from him since last Thursday and you guessed it...here I sit wondering why he stopped all of the sudden and alot of feelings have resurfaced again when I was doing SO good when not in contact with him.

The moral of my story is that as much as you think you might wish he has contacted you or wants to be friends, the truth of the matter is that it really might make things worse (and probably will), especially if you still have feelings for him. I haven't relapsed to the part of crying everyday again or anything, but the fact that I am even thinking about all of this again is one of the most frustrating things in the world. What I would give to be in your shoes and be nearing the 4 month mark of no contact instead of feeling the way I do now. DO NOT break the contact until you are absolutely sure you're feelings are removed--for me, that is most likely going to be many more months.

I hope this helps some!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 2:04pm

Everyone who has responded

Thank-you so much..I woke up this morning looking forward to the responses, knowing how much it would give me encouragement. Its amazing how this board is so therapeutic and how it keeps us strong, with every word of encouragement. I have not contacted, and i am not going to...because..why..just for a setback? no thanks...Everyone gave such great advice..it is true..everything everyone said..he failed the test, after the misscarr.. he bascially bailed..he probably tried a little..but didnt want to deal with real life issues..and found every excuse or thing about me that he didnt like..to justify why he wanted out. One of my best friends told me...after he dumped me...dont call him to talk..let him come to you..that was 2 days after he broke up with me..i called because of how horrible things had ended..she was right, basically begging him to come back to me..i was sorry for everything i did!! pathetic..it pushed him away even further....that was almost 3 months ago...i never dialed his number again....for fear of feeling that way again!

It is so true what someone said..once you forget about them.....and i mean truly forgeting about them, they end up calling..showing up etc..but it is to late..our hearts are already healed. I dont know why some breakups hurt worse than others...but this one is the worse i have been thru..in that book hes scared shes scared..it says that comm. phobe breakups are the hardest...because it is so intense..so much drama so fast..and then they dissapear and its all over, with basically no explanation!! I think all breakups..them being commitm phobes or not..are so hard

I feel that i am slowly getting my old self back..i break down just once a week now instead of everyday..i am slowly putting my life back together..job..apartment...and i need to realize i dont need him or his approval..i am ok with out him...I have to realize it is better it ended now than a year from now..no matter what i did, said would not have changed his mind..something would have come up that he didnt like...

Its true..if i would call him, he would be all nice, and then say he had to go...and then i would never hear from him again..i cant go thru all that again..i have come to far to give up...you guys are so wonderful..i cant tell you how i read and re read these posts to stay strong..i even print them out..when i get weak i re read them..you guys have helped me stay strong..knowing a better life awaits..without him...thankyou so much

Pages