feeling blue... need to vent... UGH

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
feeling blue... need to vent... UGH
13
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 3:29am

...i was actually doing pretty well last week...wasnt feeling *too* bothered or anything... kinda just cruising through my days, felt more *accepting* of the breakup and not really *caring*...so much so, that i was pretty excited at how *calm* i suddenly was...!!

however, after my NIGHTMARE on sunday night about my ex dating a girlfriend of mine...these last two days have set me back...

i had a HORRIBLE day yesterday; not only did i wake up to that traumatizing dream, but i had to work in a building right by his work yesterday & it brought back TONS of memories for me...anything wrong went wrong at work...and then, i had to drive down his street on my way to meet my gf for dinner afterwards...i literally cried as i passed by that area - i hadnt been there since the last time i was with him when i dropped him off after having dinner at his parent's house...it was REALLLLYYY upsetting.

then, just as my day seemed a little bit better this morning, something else went completely wrong and bad and i was in the dumps... and that just made me miss my ex just THAT much more... even though it wasnt AS bad as yesterday - my day was nonthenless unpleasant...to cope, i went shopping AGAIN! (which, really - i shouldnt be doing!)

and as of this moment, im missing him, and feeling sad... and feeling hurt... :(

ive been trying to find a psychiatrist but apparently theres a bit of a wait and im on a waiting list... ive been recommended to go see a "counsellor" at the health clinic on campus... perhaps ill do that..?

so yeah,...
blah... just feeling really blue...
miss him tons.
hurt at how hes not missing me.
feeling the urge to call him.
confused at how we're broken up.
really sad that we are.

OK - just had to get that out :)
thanks!
eeksj

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 10:12am

I can completely relate eeksj! I have been feeling quite blue lately also. I too, thought I was doing better with my breakup until I had to go to dinner at a friend of a friend's house that was literally three streets away from my ex's house which we shared. I wanted so bad to excuse myself from dinner and drive over there and beg for him back(pitiful I know).

I can't seem to get over this! No matter what I do, I am constantly thinking about him and asking "why is the relationship is over?" It is horrible. I have to resist that urge to pick up the phone and beg for him back. I also think about why he is not missing me. These are all horrible feelings.

I try to tell myself that I am worth more than this and that this all happened for a reason. I remind myself that although he is a wonderful man, we just weren't meant to be. It wasn't in the cards. And I tell myself, like everyone else, that time will heal the wounds. And although that is not comforting now and I have to say it many, many times a day, I truly believe that I will get through this and be stronger when I come out the other side. YOU WILL TOO!! Just remember that you are a beautiful individual who has a lot to offer to someone. You will find someone else who loves you and wants to be with you through thick and thin. They will not give up on you or the relationship(this is a lot easier for me to say to you, and mean it, then it is for me to believe myself).

Nugirl

p.s. It is your ex's loss. He lost out on an awesome woman!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 2:20pm

Yes, its always easier to give advice than take it, isn't it? Maybe because when you are so involved in the situation its hard to see clearly. That is why this board has been helping me - I read other posts from people who are experiencing the same things as I am - confusion, anger, sadness, loneliness, etc and it helps give me perspective on my own situation.

We may be hurting now, but hopefully we will make our way through this soon and come out on the other side knowing that they never deserved us in the first place!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 4:57pm
Hey eeksj -- I just had to write and say that A) I fully relate to what you're going through right now because I, too, am surviving a painful break-up and B) Your current situation brings me back to being at college while going through the most horrific break-up ever -- I mean, probably the worst one on record at my old college campus (my ex-boyfriend from college got banned from campus because he turned violent). So, I know what it's like trying to go to class, do homework, hold a job (I had three at the time), etc. etc. while trying not losing my grip on reality. That all happened my junior year and I recovered and graduated on time and *most importantly* SURVIVED.. or, even better, I got through the loss and the trauma and I now look back on college and I remember the good times and the parties, and the friends and the happiness I felt being surrounded by people who care. Point being: I recollect college being a safe and happy place, and not one where my life was wrecked and ravaged and where everything fell apart. So, please trust that you will get through this... it'll hurt really really bad at times. The experience will make you feel like you're going crazy (I had panic attacks for awhile as a result). But trust me, things will not be as scary in the future. And college should rank up there amongst the best four (or more) years of your life. They are easily the best years of my life, looking back... and my life's been pretty good. And, btw, my little brother just got cheated on and broken up with three weeks before his college graduation. I keep telling him that this won't matter, so much, down the road... I just tell him to get out there and have some fun, no matter what. Best wishes ~*
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 5:53am

its just these waves of "panic" i keep going through .. honestly, some days im fine - other days, its like hells let loose and all i can do is DWELL...and be upset, and keep wondering and... as my thread illustrated - im going nuts and need to vent! the plain old "UGH" feeling.. :(

at least the year's done for me... the worse was going through my final exams... my ex and i broke up RIGHT before it. but the horrible thing is - i JUST found out i failed one of my courses..if you remember from about two weeks back, i left a panic message when i was trying to study for my stats course and i was flipping out over my ex... well - HAHA - i failed it :'( (but yah, NOT so funny!)...the horrible thing about it too - is that failing it not only made me upset, but THAT much more upset realizing that my ex isnt here to comfort me... bLAH.

im thinking about retaking it this summer - but i just dont know if im emotionally/physically equipped to at this point in time??

during the year - i work in a banking institution, and hold two other part time jobs as well...plus ive just recenly acquired another position this summer as well - so thatll be 4 jobs in total! i know ill have time, but...???

the thing is though, with the summer in front of me - i get even more upset... like i said, it just reminds me of how else i could have been spending my time. as i explained - my ex is 6 years older than me and has a different schedule...aligning our times together was always a task...and so now, it just SUCKS that its the summer and i have a lot more time than during the year and im not spending it with him... :(

moreover, the summer's here...the weather is glorious...and all i wanna do is be out there taking walks with him... AND, im sad at how i cant show him the new shoes i bought...!!! :(

OK - had to get that out .. lol...thanks :)
eeksj!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 4:33pm

I completely relate to what you are going through and totally sympathize. You do have to count your blessings though.... you could be me... just turned 30 and spent 4 years in a very similar, dead end relationship. You are young (hopefully making a correct assumption due to you stating you are in college) and have the world at your finger tips.

My choices are now narrowed down to dating younger, either immature or too career oriented men or dating older ones who 1. could have a nutty ex-wife 2. could have a nutty ex-wife and kids or 3. never committed, so what is wrong with them?

If I ended my relationship when he cheated I would have been 25 with so many options!! :)

Your life is just beginning and there will be so many more men (good men) to cross you path... ones will will hang on your every word!!

Hang in there.... we will all get through this together!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 11:45pm
I totally relate to the last part about summer being here and stuff. Even though you added a little laugh when you wrote that, it still can be very sucky. My boyfriend and I had even made a travel itinerary for the summer (my first trip to yellowstone) on top of a visit to sonoma county and washington. I was soooo excited to do all this with him since I have summers off. Well, when he broke up with me suddenly two weeks ago, on top of the grieving and sadness I also have to figure out how to deal with the broken summer plans. Have to find something cool to take it's place so I don't get all depressed thinking about what might have been. That's why I related to your quip about the summer stuff you won't get to share with your ex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 12:04am
THis post totally depressed me!! I'm about to turn 30 and have just come out of yet another break up. To hear you tell it, I have no hope of finding a suitable partner just because I'm 30. That's a total downer and I refuse to believe it!!! AFterall, the 30 is now the new 20.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 12:39am

Hey - I'm almost 40. How do you think that post made me feel? :o)

I know my odds aren't that great, but it doesn't do any good to dwell on it. You never know whats around the corner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 12:52am

GRRR!!! speaking of "vacations"!!

my EX had this "ingenious" suggestion to take a "getaway" together, k...and let me point out once more-->it was HIS idea...HIS IDEA!!!!!!

and this was just DAYS before we broke up...

we were planning on going to a spa getaway together, or a bed and breakfast, or take a road trip for a couple days... and we were looking for packages and deals on the net ...checking out our options, etc etc...

wellllll - HAHA (and not actually so funny!) ...just a few days later - i bring up that *stupid* conversation - and well...NO GETAWAY FOR ME! :'(

ARGH.

makes me soooo confused/upset/pissed off to think of how he was with me...how our relationship was ... JUST BEFORE we broke up...

either (a) - how the hec does he just "fake" all of that (which in my heart of hearts i know he didnt) or (b)how does he just cast away all of it for "rationality"?! (which is what happened)

how does he do that!? how is he okay with that?! how is he just going on with his days just perfectly fine while im left here completely STUNNED/HURT...?!?

lol, see - this is how my venting and blue fest starts...

UGGGGGGGHHH... thinking of that just drives me up the wall...maybe i will start on that medication .. hmm !

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 10:21pm
totally relate to your email. sounds almost identical in fact. my guy did the same thing- was loving (HE pursued ME) and affectionate and after one stupid conversation completely and apparently shut it all off because he was afraid after our conversation that we wouldn't be able to relate in the ways he wanted- in other words, he got all "rational" on me and it's like his heart took a back seat to his head and it wasn't even a legitimate concern. He would've figured it out had he given us a chance to talk it through. So f'd up.

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