feeling blue... need to vent... UGH
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| Wed, 05-04-2005 - 3:29am |
...i was actually doing pretty well last week...wasnt feeling *too* bothered or anything... kinda just cruising through my days, felt more *accepting* of the breakup and not really *caring*...so much so, that i was pretty excited at how *calm* i suddenly was...!!
however, after my NIGHTMARE on sunday night about my ex dating a girlfriend of mine...these last two days have set me back...
i had a HORRIBLE day yesterday; not only did i wake up to that traumatizing dream, but i had to work in a building right by his work yesterday & it brought back TONS of memories for me...anything wrong went wrong at work...and then, i had to drive down his street on my way to meet my gf for dinner afterwards...i literally cried as i passed by that area - i hadnt been there since the last time i was with him when i dropped him off after having dinner at his parent's house...it was REALLLLYYY upsetting.
then, just as my day seemed a little bit better this morning, something else went completely wrong and bad and i was in the dumps... and that just made me miss my ex just THAT much more... even though it wasnt AS bad as yesterday - my day was nonthenless unpleasant...to cope, i went shopping AGAIN! (which, really - i shouldnt be doing!)
and as of this moment, im missing him, and feeling sad... and feeling hurt... :(
ive been trying to find a psychiatrist but apparently theres a bit of a wait and im on a waiting list... ive been recommended to go see a "counsellor" at the health clinic on campus... perhaps ill do that..?
so yeah,...
blah... just feeling really blue...
miss him tons.
hurt at how hes not missing me.
feeling the urge to call him.
confused at how we're broken up.
really sad that we are.
OK - just had to get that out :)
thanks!
eeksj

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ARGGGHH...!!! the entire thing just drives me mad - it REALLY does...
it was HE who pursued ME ..BOTH times!! and yet - it was him that DUMPED me TWICE?! wtf is that??!! either he's really good - or im an utter idiot.. :P
when we broke up last year - there was a "reason." we were fighting too much, we werent dealing with our issues effectively, etc etc ...so even though it was DEVASTATING - it was also the "RIGHT" thing to do ...
but this time - its completely different... we broke up for NO reason ... because he "cant convince himself itll work,"...so what does he do??? ... UMM... he MAKES it not work!! since we got back together this year, we've actually been doing SO well .. i literally thought that this was IT this time...but NO - its not... and why?? because he SELF-FULFILLED HIS OWN PROPHECY!! :(
the entire thing is f'ed up..the last time i saw him was at his parent's house for dinner k...he had been asking me to spend time with his folks for awhile now and i finally had time to ... so, the last thing i ever did with him - was watch tv with him and his parents...i clearly remember him taking my hands and holding them in his own in the front pocket of the sweatshirt he was wearing...i remember cutting him the "best" slice of cake when he wanted seconds (it had extra fruit on the topping!), i remember putting my head on his shoulder and thinking "im so happy,"... i remember how he leaned over for kisses when i dropped him off... i remember us sitting in my car being silly and singing to the song that was playing on the radio... i remember getting home and him text messaging me a sweet message...
and what next?? TWO days later - we're broken up?!?????!!! in some ways, i wish i never brought about that "talk" the next day... maybe we'd still be together ... UGH.. i dont know... :S
he's so great at putting his feelings second to his head... i wish i could do the same - the breakup wouldnt hurt so much then! he compared me to an old ex of his - funny, he did the same thing to her; he couldnt understand his relationship with her even though she was the love of his life - and so he emotionally pushed her away until she got fed up and left...IRONIC that she was the one ex that intimidated me the most since i knew how much she meant to him... and IRONIC how he's treating our breakup exactly as he did with theirs... ARGH!
it just absolutely boggels my mind how he can just ignore his feelings for me, it hurts me so to know that what we share isnt relevant... when we met to say our "goodbyes," - it KILLED me when he looked me in the eye and said, "it feels right to be with you, but we cant listen to that - thats when people get hurt."
my ex is an computer genius, and maybe for him - everything must add up...everything must make sense... everything is logical and rational. and maybe he's right?? he says to me: "if you cant understand a relationship, if it scares you - then its never going to work."... is he right?? oh i dont know...all i know is, despite all my rationality - i cant ignore how i feel for him...i cant let go of how its jut so right to be laughing with him at the grocery store... but apparently, HE can let it go.. all of a sudden, what we had just didnt matter... and it just breaks my heart to realize how his feelings for me are just mechanially erased... :(
i wish he never felt right to be with me, i wish we were never connected, i wish our relationship was just casual, i wish what we had wasnt real... at least then, i can walk off knowing that this is the best thing to do, that this is the right thing to do ... but i dont - and thats what makes it so hard for me now...
IRRR..!! (are there any other "frustrated" noises i can make?! sheesh!)
eeksj! :)
You are right that there is no other explanation except that he had some real issues that I don't understand. commitment??? lack of experience?? fear of rejection??? who knows. I may never know because he may never know and even if he figures it out, he may never tell me. So, I just go through each day one at a time and try to find joy again one day. I'm sure it'll happen.
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