feeling distraught and guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
feeling distraught and guilty
11
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 9:22pm
Hi, I'm new to these boards. I've had a long term-relationship that consisted of lots of fights, and short breakups ( usually lasting 2 days). Everytime we break up it hurts so bad we get back together right away. I always say that I have to do it one time for good. Sometimes though, things are great and I can't live without him. Well, he has been getting on my nerves lately. Mostly because of his drinking. He embarrassed me while we were out and I told him it was over. I told him to leave. He proceeded to drink more and leave. The next day he didn't remember anything and felt like he had been beat up. We don't know where he was or what happened. The last 2 days he has switched from saying he will miss me to being mean. Today I discovered he went to the emergency room. (He thought he had a concussion from possibly being beaten up) All I have done is cry. It physically hurts so bad and I just keep thinking of the good things we had. I make excuses for the problems and let them go. I also feel so guilty that I told him to leave and this happened. Any advice? I hope everyone on these boards doesn't just tell people what they want to hear. Thanks! I am desperate for some help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 4:13am

strong2006...

Pianoguy wants to remind you that CRYING never solves a problem. Taking some form of ACTION usually does!

It doesn't take a social worker with a doctorate degree to realize that you're in a relationship with a man who HAS NO INTENTIONS OF ALTERING HIS BEHAVIOR? If your b/f wanted to, he wouldn't have wound up in the emergency room!

The alcohol might be affecting HIS judgement....but....your remarks sound perfectly sober (except for the crying part) to me. So why not take a little action by removing yourself from a bad situation? Your b/f has emotional burdens that YOU DON'T HAVE TO CARRY!

Remember something.....please???

No man will ever take a 2-day break-up seriously.

However...A 2-MONTH (or LONGER) BREAK-UP IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STORY! It's also a good way to tell if there's really LOVE---and a desire to make a few changes on his side for you?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 7:45am
I felt bad when he told me, "Friends don't let friends drive drunk", and "You came with me", and "You don't care about anybody." After all, I told him to leave on his own and this happened. If he is hurt, shouldn't I do something? We had been in a relationship for 7 yrs. Thank you so much for your help. I need all the support I can get right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 9:49am
He is putting you on a guilt trip and its working. Does he ever say,"Man, I need to cut down on my drinking, or get some help" It doesn't sound like he takes any responsibility for his actions. You are fine and sober, he is beat up and an alcoholic. He has to first acknowledge his actions and get help. You don't need to put up with this, its not a healthy relationship and the years do not matter. If you don't want to give up, then take a break to figure out whats good for you and how much you are willing to handle. A real break like 2-3months. NC, so he can't call you in a couple of days telling you how much of a bad friend you are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 8:46pm
Latest update. He's out of ER. Says he may have permanent brain damage. Says the doctors said that what I did was criminal. I didn't know he was that bad, and I didn't pour it down his throat. I still feel so responsible. I worried about him and prayed all day. He just wants to be mean now and is saying the nastiest things he can say against my whole personality--things like I don't care about anyone and worse. The phone keeps ringing but I'm not answering. What else can I do? Is it all my fault? This is so crazy I can't talk to anyone about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 10:15pm

Strong,

Take this from a man. YOU deserve better than this guy. HE needs to take some responsibilty for HIS own action (drinking) and NOT blame you.

Wish you the best!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 10:25pm

Hi there,
NO- the doctors did not say what you did was criminal, come on. First of all, like a doctor would make that kind of comment. Secondly, from your guy's track record, sounds like he could've just said that to make you feel bad. Do you want that? No, of course you don't.

I dated a guy like you are describing- an alcoholic that left me 30 voicemails in one night because he got wasted, mad at me and told me I was a horrible person, etc. This is not your fault- he has a problem and it's not one you can help him with. I'm sure you're a caring person, but at some point he has to take responsibility for his own actions and not put the blame on you... it's taking a toll on your health now.

Don't make any more excuses for him... trust your instinct. If you continue to let this guy back in your life, it'll only cause you more pain. Maybe you'll get a couple bright spots where he's suddenly "cured" and says nice things, but you know him- he'll go back into his old ways in a matter of time. I'm only saying this because I've experienced it too.

Start being selfish and figuring out an exit plan. You can't go on forever with a this much turmoil in your life and you know this. We're all here to listen and help :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 7:29am
This morning he called and told me he's going to tell where I work all the things i have done, and things in the past, too. I tried to remain calm and reasonable with him but it only made him madder. "I'm sorry" didn't work and neither did the fact that he needs to take some responsibiity. It just keeps getting worse! I picture myself never facing anyone again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 8:31am

Stop taking his calls. Let it go to voice mail. Change your number if you have to. Let your supervisor or someone in charge at work know what is going on in case he decides to show up and make a scene. (You may also want to alert security, if your building has it.) Arguing with him is pointless -- he is trying to control you and you're letting him. Don't be an enabler. If he's not going to get himself help, then you need to move on with your own life and shut him out. His threats are probably just attempts to control you, but be careful.

Steph

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 9:42am

Yes, you need to stop talking to him. Get the authorities involved if necessary (but try blocking him first, or at least not answering his calls or emails).

He's not rational...calm and reasonable won't work. He *wants* you to get upset, that's his goal!

And don't worry, even if he does tell, do you really think people are going to believe him? I think it's just an empty threat, but even if it happens, you'll be ok.

Are you seeing anyone to help you through this? This is emotional abuse so seeing a counselor with a background in that area would help enormously. You don't have to (and shouldn't) feel guilty!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 6:35pm
Thanks so much to everyone for your help! I frequently go back to feeling guilty and thinking that I deserved everything he tells me because I shouldn't have told him to leave on his own. He says he always got me home safe even if I embarassed him so I should have done the same. I go back then and reread the posts to try to figure it all out. If anyone would like to add more comments or share that would be great!! I need to keep bringing myself back to life here!

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