feeling guilty, need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2014
feeling guilty, need some advice
Mon, 03-10-2014 - 4:41pm

hi guys

i am looking for some solid advice, and a place to vent this out. my boyfriend of about 9 months decided to break up with me about 2 months ago. it was all very unclear because we then resolved to see a couples therapist. we had been doing that but after the last one last week he told me we need to stay broken up (i guess i took it more as us being on a break/working at things) and he needed to sort his own issues. he left things very unclear. he wants to move from our current city, he isnt happy, etc.

the other night i went out and had slightly too much to drink and wound up sleeping with a guy friend who has a girlfriend. i know. i feel absolutely terrible. i feel guilty for a few reasons here, the biggest being this guy being in a relationship. it will NEVER happen again. i know you all can pass some pretty terrible judgements but the reality is i have always been a very committed, loving person. i have always played by the rules and have done what i thought was right in life. i had a bad lapse in judgement and i know that is no excuse.

what do you guys feel about all this? i dont know why but i DO feel guilty about it if my ex and i were to get back together. would i need to tell him? i am so conflicted because he really broke my heart. he dumped me and i really did work so hard to save things and try to repair it all. i went to my own therapist, went to couples therapy with him. in the end i think he is just an unhappy person and does have issues. did i make a huge mistake here? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2014
Mon, 03-10-2014 - 5:34pm

Well in fairness it doesnt look great, but sadly mistakes do happy and drink can play a massive part in our emotions and the way we deal with things. The reason why you more than likely slept with your guy friend is because it was interesting and felt adventerous and perhaps you felt physically wanted by him? Which you havent felt from your previous partner for a while? Maybe it was the pure anger side of things why you slept with the guy due to feeling heart broken and unwanted by the guy you truly love and you wanted to make it hurt more for him if he found out? Love really makes us do the craziest things but in the long run they never tend to be the right thing. The good point to this is that you do feel guilty and you do feel terrible about sleeping with the guy who is in the relationship.... however it takes two to tango? So he must have known what he was doing to? You both possibly have the same moral high ground, he obviously slept with you cause his relationship isnt great at the moment or else he would have stayed faithful to his parter? Therefore in lust and a moment of passion it just happened....

As for your ex partner it sounds to me like he has made his decision, you tried everything to make it work with the guy and still it wasnt good enough for him? I believe he does have problems in his own mind in which he needs to resolve on his own, let him do this and let him be alone for a while, cut contact unless he wishes to talk to you... distance will always make the heart grow fonder so this will be a good test for you.

If things still do not improve with your ex partner and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel for you both then maybe you need to move on with your life and find someone who makes you equally happy? Find the right person for you and things will work out... if your ex does want to try and be with you and make things work then I WOULD tell him the truth about the guy you slept with, a relationship is about honesty and if this comes out later down the line you will be back at sqaure one again... he needs to accept what you did and understand this would NEVER happen again.

I hope this has helped you hun,

Wish you all the best, and chin up, everyone makes mistakes, we can only learn from them, and in essence this makes us better people :) x

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 03-10-2014 - 8:54pm

If you are going to feel guilty, then I think the guilt should be directed toward your male friend's GF--since you knew he was in a relationship then maybe it wasn't so nice, but he is really the one who should feel guilty for that.  I can't see why you would feel guilty toward a guy who already told you that he wanted to stay broken up with you--if he broke up with you, then aren't you free to do whatever you want?  And if you got back together, I don't even think he deserves to know unless it's a situation where you would run into this male friend.  If you are broken up, you don't really owe him any explanations about what you were doing when he did not want to be with you.

Oh and I know you didn't ask this, but if you are already going to couples therapy after only 9 mos. of being together, I would say that relationship isn't for you.  If the relationship isn't working after such a short time, it's clear you aren't right for each other (or maybe he just has a lot of problems) so the answer is to just break up and find people you are each more compatible with.  I think couples therapy is something that people should do if they are married or in a long term relationship where they have a lot invested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 03-11-2014 - 12:09am

You need to sort out your own feelings.  You have been dumped, and you're still worried about what IF?  After you've been dumped why would you worry about what IF?  He's gone, he wants to move away.  There is no longer a relationship.  Forget him and move on.  As far as the one night stand is concerned, unless you drugged him, tied him up and forced him to sleep with you.....he's the one who needs to feel guilty!  He's the one in a relationship, you aren't in a relationship.  If you knew he had a girlfriend, then yes it was a bad lapse in judgement, and alcohol will do that to you.......plus I'm sure there was a little "self validation" going on there too.  Lapse or not, again HE is the one who needs to feel guilty, not you.  Just get your act together, and don't worry about either one of these guys.....neither of them is worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 03-11-2014 - 1:19am

You do not need to tell any past or future bf (including the ex who wants to move away) about the recent one-night stand. As far as feeling guilty about it in regards to the ex, don't. He dumped you. He doesn't deserve another thought. You put a lot of effort into trying to salvage that relationship, but it was not meant to be. And I second the poster who said that if after only 9 months you're having problems requiring counseling then you and he were not really compatible so I wouldn't even try to get back together with him.

Back to the one night stand: its good that you feel bad about it, because its not a very nice thing to do to another woman, but the one that should feel guilty is the guy--HE cheated on HIS girlfriend. At this point you should use it as a teaching moment---like to limit how much you drink so you don't make poor choices again.