Feeling Helpless and Devastated

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Feeling Helpless and Devastated
9
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 2:11pm

I feel like there is too much to tell for anyone to understand exactly what I have been going through, but I hope someone can give some advice.

I was with my ex-boyfriend for 3 years and we have been breaking up now for 3 years! I am 31 and he is 30. He has broken up with me more times than I can count, and we have had more fights than any couple I know. He is hot and cold. He breaks up with me one day and then comes running back the next. Last January I moved to another state and broke things off for good, because he couldn't make even the smallest commitment after 2 years. He wouldn't even give me keys to his place. For the first year and a half, I wasn't even allowed to be at his place while he wasn't home! He kept saying that there is nothing wrong with that. Am I wrong to feel hurt about his lack of even the smallest commitment? He also stood me up the last two Christmas's and never spends any other holidays with me. He always has an excuse why he can't.

After I moved in January to another state, I started moving on with my life, which also meant dating. I ended up getting sexually involved with the man I was dating (in June), and I told my ex about it. We still talked on the phone regularly. I have always been honest with him. He was devastated. He said he hadn't dated anybody since I moved and that he still loved me. He has always told me how much he loved me. Well, in July I went back to my hometown for a visit and we made arrangements to see each other. It had been 5 months since we had last seen each other. He was amazing!!! He was the perfect gentleman and the man I always wanted him to be. He courted me and treatedme like a princess. Well, I ended up breaking things off with the guy I was dating, because my ex had changed (I thought) and he even took me to look at engagement rings while I was visiting! This was a huge breakthrough!

In September, my ex flew to visit me. And guess what? Yep, he finally proposed to me on Labor Day weekend. I accepeted since he had so obviously changed his ways (yeah right). The very next day after he proposed, he started acting funny. He had to fly home that day too. It has all been downhill since then. We broke off our engagement a month later. He claimed it was the long distance that was causing the problems, but I truly feel he freaked out about the commitment he had just made. My mom thinks he only proposed because I was sexually involved with someone else and he couldn't handle it. Well, it is December and I am back visiting my hometown again. He has been crying about how much he has missed me since he came and visited and now I am home and he has done nothing but lie to me. I spent the night with him two days ago and all we did was fight. I am only home for another 12 days and then I have to go back. His brother is getting married in 10 days and I wasn't even invited!!!! I was supposed to be his wife 3 months ago, and I'm not even invited to the wedding??? I am hurt and devastated. I have been crying for the last 24 hours and he doesn't even care. He's out hanging out with the guys and shopping while I am miserable. Does he not care? This is my vacation and he is making me miserable. I don't know how much more I can take. I really need some advice. Has anyone been in this situation? I feel like I can't function and I am ruining the holidays for my loved ones because I am so miserable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 2:22pm

My situation was not entirely the same as there was never talk of marriage but it certainly was up and down - and it was always down when he became commitment phobic. We broke up and got back together several times. The last time was when he found out I was involved with someone else. Just like you experience - he was the person I always wanted. Told me how much he loved me and how beautiful I am...blah blah blah. So, like you, I ended it with the other guy. Things were good for a short time but then went right back to the old ways. He stopped inviting me to parties with his friends, it was a struggle to get him to spend any time with me - he would rather be golfing or some other lame excuse. In my case, though, he decided to date other people. My therapist says men don't like what they can readily have and I made myself too available to him. I regret that.

My ex will never commit to anyone until he gets over some emotional baggage so I made the choice to end all contact and move on. With the help of my friends and family, I have come to realize my life was an emotional rollercoaster that became very unhealthy for me. I cannot tell you the numerous times I missed work or other commitments because this guy had me balling my eyes out. I invested way too much of myself and life over the past 2 years to keep living like this.

You deserve to always be treated like a princess and there is someone out there who will treat you that way. It helped me to write reasons down why I should not be with him (or even try) as well as reading some of the books mentioned in other posts - 'He's just that not into you (funny)' and 'It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken'

How did you feel when you were with the other guy? Did you have feelings for him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 2:36pm

Wow, your situation sounds almost identical to mine. My ex has constantly made excuse after excuse as to why he can't do "this or that." He chooses to spend time with other people all the time. I am only visiting for 12 more days and right at this moment he is out doing something else more important, as usual. I liked the other guy, but he was very, very jealous and we were on completely different paths in life. He is a musician from Hollywood and I am a teacher!!

How did you get over your situation? I have been trying to recover and gain control of my life, but I just can't. I am ruining my relationships with everyone, and I feel like I am genuinely depressed. How did you cope, and how long did it take you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 2:56pm

The first time I was about as depressed as I could be. I didn't get out of bed, didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't go to work. It was horrible. After less than a week, I got in touch with him and we got back together as if nothing had ever happened.

The second time I was pretty devastated but not as much. I had some issues eating but started going out and occupying my time. I met someone pretty quickly - clearly a rebound but it helped me realize there are other people out there. After about a week, we had lunch and were in communications but I was dating this other guy. After 2 months, the ex begged me to come over and talk to him - at which point he professed his love, etc. He told me then that he could not commit to me and at some point he may want to date other people and that if it was meant to be between us, it would be. Well we slowly slipped into seeing each other again but he was very clear he would not commit (verbally and with his lack of communication and togetherness). I had to walk on egg shells to not put pressure on him. I finally got tired of all this and the fear that one day he would tell me he was going to go out on a date with someone else, so I started seeing a therapist and started dating myself. It was really consuming my life and I knew I needed some help.

So we went on like this for a few months and I could feel him pulling away. He stopped taking me places, cut me off from seeing his kids, wouldn't call everyday, started going out more - so I knew something was up. He wouldn't come out and tell me but I finally got it out of him that he was interested in someone and was going to go on a date with her (andI think there had already been some communication between them prior to him ponying up that info). I became the crazy ex-girlfriend/girlfriend, whatever the heck I was to him...I told him I wouldn't talk to him, then would write very long emails telling him how sorry he will be and what a mistake he was making. Then I would send emails about how much I loved him. I would take his calls, then not take his calls. All the while this is going on, I am telling my friends and my therapist and they ultimately got it through my thick head that I needed to cut all communication off with him, even though he proclaimed he still wanted to see me. So back into depression mode I go. Fortunately, I took a vacation in Europe shortly after so I was out of contact. I have read a bunch of books, talked with my friends and family and have been keeping myself very busy. The thought of him with this new girl used to make me completely sick to my stomach but as every day goes by, I know it was the right thing to do and that there is someone out there who will give me what I need.

Clearly I could go on about this forever :-) I guess the point of my long winded message is that it has been a long struggle for me (almost 2 years) but my choice to completely cut communication was the hardest but the best thing I could do. I have not contacted him or heard from him for 30 days. I have gone out on numerous dates as well as re-connected with my friends who I neglected when I was sitting around waiting to see if he was going to ask me to dinner or clean his house. Rest assured, you are going through what all of us do. I carry one of the break up books with me as a great reminder that I am normal and my actions are to be expected. Remember your happiness and what makes you happy. He cannot consistently do that for you. When you return home, do nice things for yourself and remember you are number one and deserve nothing but the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 3:08pm

I know what you mean about walking on eggshells. I deal with that everyday in conversations with him. I 'm afraid to say how I feel or ask him anything for fear of repercussions.

I am sorry for your situation and happy for you at the same time. It sounds like you are getting your life back together and enjoying life. I don't know how to do that. I have been through this break-up process with my ex a million times. Every time I try to walk away and start over, he comes running back with promises that he doesn't keep. I love him so much and want to believe him, so I give it another try. It's like the thought of us not being together genuinely is unbearable, almost like a nightmare. Im sure you know the feeling.

I have been thinking about seeing a therapist, but at the same time, I feel like that would make me a weak person. I feel pathetic...I shouldn't have to see a therapist to get over a guy, right? Did it really help you, I mean really, really? I don't think I have any other option at this point. I have to do something, my sanity and general health are at stake at this point.

Thank you for your advice. It is comforting to know I am not alone and "psychotic" as me ex puts it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 3:25pm

You are definitely not pyschotic!!

Isn't it horrible to not be able to tell someone you care about how you really feel???

When I first started seeing the therapist I felt weak too. I thought 'has it really come to this that I need a therapist to get over this guy?' But it did and I can truly say it has helped. He has been able to give me a different perspective and as I talk thru my feelings and things the ex did to me, I have those moments where I am like 'what am I doing mourning over this guy?'. I am now very comfortable with the fact that I see a therapist and no longer feel weak about it or that I cannot tell my friends I am seeing one. They all agree it was one of the best things I could do. This time was the first time I really sought the help I need to get me through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 3:51pm

Thank you so much for your positive feedback. Just in the last 2 hours, my ex has called me 7 times and left me two vm and two text messages saying he loves me, is sorry and wants to see me. This is what I have to deal with. He only wants me when he can't have me. That is no way to live a life, or certainly a marriage. It is so hard for me not to answer his calls or respond to his texts. I know deep inside though, that he will just continue to hurt me.

I have two other guys who are pursuing me at the moment and they are great, fantastic guys. I have dated both of them. I just don't have the attraction or chemistry with them that I did with my ex. I guess I just feel like will never find anyone like him and I have absolutely no desire to date anyone at this point. I am content to sit home in my pajamas and feel sorry for myself. It's pathetic. I have two amazing guys who would give me the world, yet I am hung up on a commitment-phobic, insensitive, arrogant, selfish "man." Why can't I get over this? I am a successful woman with absolutely no baggage and a lot going for me. What am I doing wrong? Sometimes I think maybe I am to blame for our problems.

I am going to consider seeing a therapist when i get back home. I also am thinking about changing my phone #. Thank you broken3times. I will take your experiences to heart. In the meantime, you hang in there. You sound so strong and I can only hope that I can achieve the sense of mind you now hold.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 4:00pm
My first relationship was on-again/off-again for the majority of the time we were together. That should have been a warning sign that we weren't right for each other. People who are in good, healthy relationships don't do the break-up/get-back-together thing all that often (or at all). If you break-up once, that's a sign to pay attention. Either a) the problems are so big that one of you decided that they were enough to end it, or b) one of you ended it prematurely without thinking things through. If it's "b" and it happens once... maaybe consider getting back togetehr. But if it keeps happening, the person doing the breaking-up has a really low tolerance for bumps and snags in an otherwise "good" relationship (or they have a hard time letting go). This isn't someone you want to marry anyway because life isn't going to be smooth sailing all the time. You want someone who is going to stick by you no matter how frustrated they might feel in the moment. Your ex sounds really immature and doesn't seem to know what he wants. I wouldn't recommend waiting around until he grows up or figures out what he wants. It'll hurt for a while, but staying with him will hurt for a lot longer. When I finally ended it with my first boyfriend, it was one of the hardest things I had to go through. But in the end, if I didn't pick me (and my own sanity) over being with him, I would have wasted more time with him instead of moving on to find someone who didn't have the same issues. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 4:14pm
Thank you for your inspirational words. I needed to hear that today. I am so happy you have found the courage and strength to take control of your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 8:14pm

Your situation sounds kind of like mine (take a look at my thread confused7772006). I resemble the same charactersitcs of you, confident (at work at least), successful, no baggage, pretty and I do have a great life. Now that I have moved out my X calls me nonstop (other times, he would really only call when I was out with co-workers/friends several times in the hour) and leaves vm's/flowers/texts/emails/gifts(which I send back though, I am getting tired of footing the ups bill backwards). I know in my head that we are not right together and if we fight as much as we do, the thought of having kids together scares me. I have been going on dates too, and during it unfortunately, I do think of my X and my heart goes out to him because yah, I do love him so much and there is a part of me that prabably always will; however, I keep listening to my little voice inside my head and remember the very ugly times when I miss him. I also realize that the reason I can't pursue any of the great-guy catches coming my way is because I am not entirely over him, but each day has gotton a tad better (meaning, yes, today, I still got teary eyed as I had to pass a place where he bought me a beautiful ballroom dress), but then I pull out my list and read the dirty/nasty things that he has done to me.

So how have I gotton through the holidays as I am 1800 miles from fam/friends; these message boards, reading books at the bookstores, and carrying my list around/pulling it out and looking at it.