that feeling in my belly

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
that feeling in my belly
12
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 10:06pm

This is my first time posting, so I'm new to all of this, but I really feel like theres alot of sound advice going around, and I could really use some. So I just got dumped. I've gotten dumped everyday for the last week because I haven't been able to let go and accept it. I keep calling him, visiting him, begging him to give things another chance, and his response is the same each time. "No"

Alright here's the background. He was my teacher and we started dating after the semester was over. I was attracted to his brilliance and the fact that what he taught me led me to getting a large grant to start a business. I'm new to the business world so everything I know, I learned from him. The thing is, he belives that the small town we live in would be adversely affected by knowing that we're dating, so we don't go out in public together and keep our relationship a secret (only a few of my close friends know). We just stay at his house, and rarely, he comes to mine. When we started getting close he was drinking alot and would get mean. So we made a rule that he couldn't drink around me. After we've been intimate he gets distant, sometimes ignores me and we fight over this and the fact that I can't have what I want from him, which is a close, loving relationship where we do things outside of the house. Over the last month, we've been fighting alot, he doesn't call or tell me he loves me, told me that I wasn't attractive to him anymore, and he told me that he isn't the person he wants to be and doesn't want to be in a relationship while he's working on himself (the latter being something he's told me over and over from the start but I refused to listen.) When our space is good, it's really good, when its bad, it's really bad.

So I made a pro and con list and the con list is about 3x longer, but still, I can't just seem to let go and do the whole NC thing. The part of me thats in love with him finds some reason to call about the business, or to let him know I'm sad and ask for comforting and if he's changed his mind yet. Yesterday he took the phone off the hook. I can't seem to just accept it. He's been saying that we shouldn't get close from the beginning

I just moved to this town some months ago and don't have many friends, hobbies, or other things to occupy my time. With him breaking up with me, it makes me not even want to start a business, because now I have no advisor. He must think I'm really lame, and reviewing this, I feel that I am too.

So my question is: How can I get myself to stop feeling so miserable, needy and doing things I regret later? My few friends are tired of hearing about this because they've heard the same pattern repeat itself so many times and have always told me to let go, but I can't seem to. I'm starting to think I'm psycho. I know I'm heartbroken.

Thanks for reading this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 7:58pm
I'm so sorry you are feeling so awful. But believe it or not, you WILL get better. I'm sure you recognize that this relationship is not giving you what you need and deserve. That's the easy part. The harder part is moving on. The most important thing is to start and stick with NC. The more contact you have with him, the harder it will be to heal. You will also feel better about yourself in the end. I don't know if you are into reading relationship books, but I find it is enormously helpful when going through a breakup. Some good ones are "He's just not that into you", "It's called a breakup because it broken", and "The Journey from Abandonment to healing" (which I'm reading now). Every time you feel weak and you want to call him or contact him, have a friend's phone # handy and call them instead. Tell the friend ahead of time that when you call, you will need them to remind you why you shouldn't call him. Don't be afraid to continue with your business. You don't need him, you can do this on your own. Find another person that can act as an advisor. Continue to hang out with the friends you've met there, but try to get out there and meet new people. I'm in the same situation. I moved where I am now to be with my boyfriend, and now that we've broken up I've actually decided to stay in the area and make my own life here. I am thinking about things I am interested in and joining clubs where I can meet people that enjoy the same things. Think of things that you like or things you've always wanted to try and go and do them. Joining clubs is the best because you want to be in a situation where you could meet new friends. Take a class, throw yourself into this business you are starting, exercise, go bike riding or hiking, anything you like. The idea is to keep yourself busy. The hard times are the weekends. Before the weekends come, make sure you have a schedule of things you are going to do to keep yourself occupied. And lastly, if you think talking to someone like a therapist would help, do it! It is very helpful. Remember - you deserve better. The sooner you extricate yourself from this guy and move on, the sooner you will come closer to finding a truly healthy relationship. I hope this helps a little!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 10:16pm

I have posted here before about how discouraged I am...and how stupid I've been about men in the past! I never experienced even one inkling of what heartbreak was until I was 38 years old, so I guess that was a lucky break. I never had to experience and learn from heartbreak when I was young. But it also means that I was in la la land - and never really had to think about the differences between how men see things versus women. Now I'm 55, and I realize I am not smart at all..and I know nothing!

I would love to get more info from you on C.Carter's insights into men. I am willing to try and learn what makes them tick. I haven't figured it out yet.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2006
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 11:47pm

Hi Mary:

Just read your message to me - thank you for writing. It's funny - we're both 55 years old, both have the first name of Mary - although I go by Mary-Anne - and we're both just now learning what makes men tick and why we can't suceed in relationships. I'd be interested to know what part of the country you live in....hope you don't mind me asking. I live in Eastern Ontario (Brockville) right on the St.Lawrence River -pretty little town of 22,000 and I've been here for 14 years. I was born and raised in Toronto.

Sorry - off subject I know: I've done SO much reading and studying trying to find out just what went wrong in my last relationship. Brian and I fell so hard for each other and we still love each other deeply. But he's pulled so far away now that I'm afraid he won't contact me again...I haven't heard from him in over 5 weeks now. I'm scared that this is the end, although I believe it would have been kinder for him to tell me to my face that it's over. He still has keys to my house (he lives 100 miles from me), my jewellery warranties (he bought me some lovely pieces), and pictures that I'd love to have back if it's over between us. I'm so hurt inside and I can't get past the feeling that this was a soulmate connection that got screwed up because I didn't listen to him and I didn't understand men and relationships in general. I KNOW NOW how to fix this relationship - how to make him stop feeling those 'negative gut reactions' but I can't call him and ask him to give us another chance. At least, I haven't gotten to that point yet. I feel he needs to be the one to turn back to me.

Christian Carter is an very insightful man. He's been the "other guy" in many situations and has now turned his life around (and his marriage) and is using this knowledge of how men can be such jerks etc. to help other women understand men. He tells women just how men think, why they act and think certain ways, and how we can cope/get around/understand and work with these issues. His insight has been bang on and I ordered his online book of "Catch Him - Keep Him" and I have to tell you, it's really good. The other online book I ordered and have learned SO much from is "How to Drive Your Man Wild". This sounds sort of kinky but it isn't at all. It draws a comparison between how a wife thinks and acts and how a girlfriend/mistress thinks and acts. That author strongly suggests that we stop acting like the wife and always act like the mistress. Very interesting idea and I can understand how it would appeal to a man. One other book that I bought at the book store is called "Why Men Won't Commit". This book explained each and every "error" that I've made in my relationship with Brian...in detail...I thought the book had been written about me and Brian!! Scary....SO many women are in the same boat as you and I. It also explains how to correct those 'errors'.

You asked about Christian Carter. You can tap into his website - you don't have to order the book. You can just be on his mailing list and he'll send you info every few days on relationships. What I did was I wrote to Christian about my problem with Brian. He answered me about 3 weeks later. I'd forgotten all about my email letter as so much time had lapsed but Christian explained that he's gotten really really busy lately. Below this letter will be one of his letters to me and at the bottom of his letter should be his email contact. Let me know how you're getting along. I'd be pleased to keep in touch with you. Remember - We are WOMAN - we can do anything! :)

Mary-Anne

Dear Mary-Anne,

Check out this great question I got from a reader about getting back with her ex.
It's a question I get all the time from women that points out a common misunderstanding women have about men.

Reader:

Dear Christian, I'm sorry but I need to ask you a question. I need advice and help. Me and my ex have been together off and on many times, recently we just broke up and now he's dating someone else. (he doesn't know what he wants) But I know he still has very big feelings for me and I want advice and help on getting him back. Even though he's dating someone right now, he still has feelings for me, and I need help on getting him back with me and not with her. Please help!
Sincerely, Needy and Hopeless

My Answer:

Thanks for writing, your email has about 147 great things here. Let's look at a few of them.... The first important issue is that you're ignoring all the important signs your ex is giving you. Please don't be naive... Wake up! Realize what's going on here. If he's dating someone else, you've got to start moving on. He doesn't share your feelings of wanting to back together. If you challenge this idea, you need to recognize that he's not in the right place in his life to share what you want with him. This doesn't mean you should to go out and try to date right now, but you need to take your mind off him.

This is hard for a woman when you still have feelings for him.... but you're setting yourself up for ALL KINDS of pain and disappointment. Yeah, I've seen couples get back together like this... but the odds are things don't look good for this old relationship. The more you can distance yourself from your ex whose dating another woman, the happier you'll be. Trust me. And I know doing this is tough, but you've got to.

You're also making a lot of assumptions about his feelings when you say "he has very big feelings for me" when you know he's dating someone else. Thinking about this only keeps you stuck on him and his feelings. If you listen to the signals your ex is sending
you, you'll see that his "feelings" are just his way of holding onto you for his own comfort. He's already dating another woman. That should give you a clear idea of where his mind is at (not focused on getting back with you) and what his "feelings" TRULY are.

Here's what I want you to do first and foremost.... Think about making some decisions for YOURSELF. Right now it sounds like your waiting for him to make all the decisions.
Think about what YOU WANT to be happy, and remember all the things your ex has done and said to let you know he's not committed to sharing his love with you. If you give him and yourself some space, a funny thing might happen you won't expect.... Your ex-boyfriend won't have the comfort of two women who both want his affection. He won't know that you're still there waiting for him - and this will trigger thoughts and actions in him that will ultimately help resolve your situation. Until then.... For your own well-being, it's important you let him know he can't keep sharing his intimate feelings with you while he's dating another woman.

HERE'S A RULE YOU NEED TO REMEMEBER:

Never allow men who have "someone else" in their life to keep sharing and expressing their feelings for you. It's wrong on several levels... for you most of all.

When a man can have the affection of two women, and he's in a place where he's emotionally non-committed to either, odds are he will try to keep this situation going for as long as possible! Not all men would do this, but men who are "unavailable", as it sounds your ex is, can continue multiple initimate situations at once. You don't want to date a man that's in this place in his life..... and I know because I've been this guy in my past!

NO AMOUNT of talking, experience or reasoning with him can get him to feel the way you want him to feel. You can't change a man's emotional depth and where he's at in his life. "Getting him back" is a bad idea. Rarely does this give you what you think you want. It's a losing battle, and you're going to end up being hurt or upset again as you undoubtedly keep moving farther and farther away from what YOU ideally want and closer and closer to whatever strange and unhealthy situation he's creating. If you feel like you HAVE to see this through, then be careful. You're going against the odds. Don't be "that girl". And I promise that you'll ruin your chances if you think you can "convince" him to come back to you through shows of affection, appeals to his desires or other "gifts" to bribe him. I've watched this EXACT thing unfold so many times.

IT DOESN'T WORK!

Instead, you should think about the times you've broken up and the times you've seen that he wasn't personally ready for a relationship. Those things are as real as the strong feelings and emotions you feel that keeps you coming back. Use the issues and challenges you had together as a guide or a reminder of what's keeping you two apart now. And once you start doing this, I think you're going to be strangely surprised at what starts to happen for you... Once your guy notices that he doesn't have you waiting around for him like a puppy dog to figure it out, while he's off doing god knows what with other women, there's going to be a big change in his attitude and behavior. It doesn't make "sense", but that's how it WORKS.

THE CRITICAL SKILLS OF UNDERSTANDING MEN'S SIGNALS AND
IDENTIFYING GOOD MEN FROM "UNAVAILABLE TOADS"....

You've got to learn to understand and identify ‘EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE" men. If a man doesn't know what he wants, he generally doesn't want what he's got.
This may sound harsh, but it's the truth of the situation. And even when it isn't completely true, it's a good rule to go by. A good man who is the right person and wants to be with you will find his own way to his "Emotional Truth". If his truth is that he wants to be with you, or not be with you, you have to respect that. But I see women do it all the time. The guy will be sending all kinds of subtle (or even direct) signs that he's not "available" or interested in something "serious", but the woman ignores them and just pays attention to the fact that he likes being with her when they're together. In other words, she substitutes the physical connection, or even the occasional emotional connection, for the real relationship she wants to be in.

WRONG!

Men have a different "love equation" from women: A strong connection does NOT necessarily equal any interest in a relationship. That's why it's CRITICAL that women learn to read the signals that a man sends about where he's at. Because he's surely not going to just lay it all out there for you. I promise.

If he does, write me an email, tell me all about it, and give me his mailing address so I can send him his prize. When a guy isn't interested in a relationship, and he's hdoing something like seeing other women, here's what most women start doing that makes things go from bad to worse... They start trying to "fix" things, and "fix" the guy. And then comes the "convincing" behavior, trying to convince the man that they are the right one for him, and that because they have such a great connection, a loving "relationship" is the only right way to go. I know, it sounds bizarre. Why would a man have a great woman and a great connection with her that felt amazing when they were together, and not want a relationship? I'll get to that later...

The thing I'm worried about here for you is that in trying to get your guy back, you're making these mistakes that are like "man-repellent". So I'll say it again. You can't convince a man to want to be with you. I don't know the specifics surrounding your off-and-on with the ex, but it speaks volumes. Especially when it's combined with him not "knowing what he wants". This is CLASSIC man-speak for "I'm not emotionally available and I'm not ready for a real relationship". When he can't get in touch with his feelings and isn't open to exploring them, it's a text-book case of unavailability. I don't mean that he can't share feelings or some level of intimacy with you.... In fact, I'm sure he still likes to connect with you when things are easy-going and he's not feeling "pressure" around you. But your ex sharing his feelings with you can easily confuse you into thinking that he is potentially the right guy and ready for a long term relationship. I'm sure you've seen this since you've been back and forth with him. But when a guy is unavailable, he has a fear of getting deeper into a relationship that he knows he's not ready for. In his own way he's tried to tell you this several times. Here's what he's saying:

Yes, I have "feelings" for you.
And no... that doesn't mean I want to be in a relationship with you and be faithful.

Take some time to think about the past with your ex, and then compare that to what will honestly make YOU happy, and what kind of relationship you want in your future. If you're honest about it with yourself, I don't think he'll fit well into that based on his actions and behavior. Put more value on his actions, not his words. Get back to the things that you enjoy, the places you like to go and avoid places or things you used to
do or see with your ex. Spend some time with your friends and give yourself the space you deserve. The less you talk about your ex and this situation for now, the better off you'll be. And I think you'll be amazed at the results. First, I think you'll just plain old feel better. But even better than that, you'll be breaking the old connection that you had with your "x". And as counterintuitive as it sounds, breaking out of your old connection is actually the thing that's going to change the situation for you the most and help get you the results you want. Right now, your convincing him and your wanting him back, even when he's with another woman, is making you come off in all kinds of ways that men just don't respond well to.

I know it seems like the best idea to keep trying to stay in touch with him and keep the connection alive. But the truth is that you're just keeping this same old situation alive by pumping your time and attention into it. If instead, you step back and stop chasing him or trying to convince him you're the right woman, you'll have an opportunity to do something that can honestly be ATTRACTIVE to him- You first leave a space that he'll not recognize and not understand, which will first get him thinking about you and then wondering why you aren't acting the way you used to. Men love "new" things and curiousities. Plus, you'll also be able to give him the space he's tried asking you for in his retarded emotioanally unavailable "man-speak". Something funny happens when a man gets the space he asked for-

If you do it in the right way, he's forced to deal with himself and his own feelings to figure out that all the things he is worried about, afraid of, fearful of "committing to", etc.
And being by himself, he'll see that these things are really just in his own mind - and not bad things about YOU. In other words - he won't keep taking all the old "stuff" from the past that wasn't working and keep identifying it with YOU. But you've to go know the way to "re-wire" the connection once you've broken the old one. And if you can do this, I guarantee he'll come calling wondering about you. In my ebook, "Catch Him And Keep Him", I detail specific ways to communicate with men that will help you build that new connection. There are several psychological and behavioral "keys" that will help to open a man up, and just as importantly, make him feel that electric kind of ATTRACTION for you. I'm talking about the kind of attraction that gets a guy feeling, at a deep level, that he wants to be with you right now AND far into the future.

This goes for the "unavailable" guys too that seem to keep withdrawing and don't communicate much about their feelings or what they want.

These guys are the toughest ones.

If there's just ONE PIECE OF ADVICE that holds more power for women than any other when it comes to men, it's this concept of only dating emotionally available men.

http://www.CatchHimAndKeepHim.com/e/11929/fctc/

P.S. Mary : I just came across another and even better letter I received from Christian Carter a few weeks ago. I'll try to post it right after this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2006
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 11:52pm

Hi again Mary:

Here's the other email letter from Christian Carter. I think this one will speak to you even more than the others. It's very long....:)

Dear Mary-Anne,

If you read this email and answer just one simple question below, you will have the ability to improve your relationship with a man IMMEDIATELY.

Here goes...

Ever notice how a man will "court" you, pursue you, and do all kinds of amazing and romantic
things to win your heart as you're getting to know each other...

But, after a little while, the romance, passion, and intimacy that he used to be so excited about and create, starts to "fizzle out" once you're into a committed relationship?

If you've ever found yourself in a situation with a man who you knew was a great guy but he started acting immature, depended on you for too many things (and didn't appreciate you for them) and all the while you kept giving more and more to try and make things work better and keep you closer... then you don't want to miss this email.

I'm about to let you know the real reasons why men in relationships so often act this way... and what to do about it. I'm also about to explain why so many women end up in unfulfilling relationships with men who "TAKE TAKE TAKE", and why these women so often end up getting little back for all their efforts.

First off, tell me if this sounds at all familiar...

You meet a great guy and you start dating.

The "chemistry" is simply AMAZING and you can't believe how into connecting and sharing he is...
even on that emotional level where other men often fall flat.

You spend time together and keep growing closer, and you start to believe that maybe you've
finally found that amazing friend, companion and lover all in one.

He's so open and caring... and listens and pays attention to you and what's going with you in a
way that few men you've met can. Your connection is unbelievable.

You both know you can count on each other in ways that feel like you're closer than you have
been with a man in a long, long time. Since you're both so close, he starts to depend on you for a few things in his life... and you're happy to help him since you really care about him and are a generous and loving person.

But, as time goes on, something starts to slowly "shift".

It starts with small things...

He starts acting a little differently, and stops doing a lot of the things he used to do that made you admire and respect him. Somehow, he seems less confident, present, and "connected" with you.

And then you notice...

There's something different about how he depends on you, and it sets off your "radar". You start to wonder if how he is with you is entirely healthy. You start to feel "drained" with him and with the relationship more and more... but you know that a relationship is about give and take, so you keep giving and have faith that things are going fine.

More time passes and you start to notice something else...

You see that he isn't becoming more appreciative of all the things you're doing for him and your relationship. In fact, it feels like he's starting to take more and more of it for granted.

Actually, he seems LESS APPRECIATIVE of you and your relationship in general. He starts asking and depending on you even more, without any real thanks or reciprocation. The more he does this, the more you sense that there's a kind of needy "childishness" inside him that's becoming clearer.

You want to be there for him and be a great partner... but you also want that fun, strong, playful, loving, confident man back who was there before things changed. With all this going on, you're not exactly sure
of what to do about it or what's going on for him that's making him act this way. He doesn't seem to pay you the same attention, give the same affection and support that you give him, and it's starting to feel unfair and bother you.

Your relationship is starting to feel like it's all about making sure "he's" happy. Which of course doesn't leave much room for what's going on for YOU.

You know things can't go on this way if your relationship is going to work and be something
worthwhile and "real". He's got to see what's going on and stop being so self-involved. You know that he's had some challenges in his own life and maybe he just doesn't see what's going on. So, you decide to not make a big deal out of it. But, you know that something needs to change... soon.

So, you finally decide to talk to him about what's going on.

You go over in your head again and again what you're going to say to him and what's been going
on for the last several months. You're sure that he'll see what's been happening and all the things you've been doing for him and the relationship, and he'll give you some understanding.

But when you talk to him, it doesn't work out this way... AT ALL.

Instead of hearing you and your intentions to get things back to a better place between you two,
he just becomes frustrated, irritated and DEFENSIVE with you. Instead of hearing you, he makes you feel like you're "nagging" him and creating "drama". He even acts like you're the one being ridiculous and withdraws from you.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

This situation where you know you're giving and getting less than nothing back SUCKS. And unfortunately, it's a common experience lots of women have in relationships with men.

Now, there are about 50 things I could tell you about how men are at fault and create these problems for themselves and for you in your relationship. But the reality is that you've already spent hours thinking about this before and have a lot of your own ideas about this. That is partially why I'm NOT going to talk
about what's going on with men here and what to do about it.

At least not yet. Right now we're going to talk about YOU.

Why?

Because thinking about YOURSELF is the first step towards real GROWTH and AWARENESS in EVERY RELATIONSHIP you have in your life.

You could spend days, weeks, months or years worrying about a man, what he thinks, and why he
does the things he does.

But if you want to be smart...

And you want relationships to start "working" for you, instead of seeming like a neverending source of frustration and disappointment trying to get a man to make the relationship work...

Then you'll make sure you have things handled for yourself first.

And that way you'll have the CERTAINTY that only comes from understanding what's happening in
the relationship around you... and what YOU need to do in each situation that comes up with a man.


THE ONE QUESTION THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN INSTANTLY

If you're at the most basic levels of what I call "emotional maturity" in your life, then you've started to recognize something very important and significant about yourself...

You've recognized that you have a few PATTERNS coming up in your relationships.

Of course, some of these patterns are positive traits that bring benefits, center around your personal preferences, and involve things you bring into your life CONSCIOUSLY and for good reason. But the reality is these aren't the only kind of patterns you have in your life.

You also have a special group of "negative patterns". Patterns that you save just for MEN.

So, let me ask you a very simple question. It's a question that could very well change the course of your love life IMMEDIATELY once youanswer it.

Here's the question -

Do you know your "negative patterns" in relationships with men?

You might have a few of these that you already know about that you can rattle off in your head right now without really thinking about it.

THESE ARE NOT THE PATTERNS I'M LOOKING FOR TO IMPROVE YOUR LOVE LIFE.

You already know about these patterns and this knowledge still doesn't seem to be helping you if
you're running into the same issues and situations again and again. Which is why it's obvious that "what" you already know isn't going to help you learn and grow past these situations with men for good.

You need to expand your PERSPECTIVE.

That's why I'm looking for the patterns that you DON'T see right now, and that you aren't CONSCIOUS of.

Here's where we're going to take ACTION...

Right now, I want you to give yourself the time and space for the next 5 minutes to think about your own patterns in your past or present relationships with men. And, I want you to put everything else aside
just for a few short moments while you focus on YOURSELF. By the way, if you don't have time to do this So now that you've made the time, I want you to think about the following -

I want you to come up with at least TWO of your own negative relationship patterns with men.

And I don't just mean patterns that are really about men... such as "I always pick men that are clueless about loving relationships."

This is focusing on HIM, not YOU.

I mean something like "I meet men and quickly spend all my time with them. But soon I see that I've "lost myself" and I am not able to have a healthy balance. And inevitably, we end up breaking up and I resent all the time I spent on the relationship and him, instead of spending more time on myself." That's one common example lots of women have experienced.

Now, it's your turn.

I want you to come up with 2 other patterns that have to do with YOU and things that come from YOUR THINKING or BEHAVIOR. I'm going to give you a few minutes to do it now.

...

...

...

I'm going to give you another minute to make sure you have your two patterns.

OK. So now you have two clear patterns of your own in your head.

Take out a pen and a piece of paper right now and write down the patterns you identified.

Do it now, I'll wait.

...

...

Good.

I want you to keep this piece of paper somewhere you can look at it again in a few days or weeks. It will be important to look at what you wrote down again at least once in the next few days.


DEVELOPING CONSCIOUSNESS TO MOVE PAST YOUR NEGATIVE AND SELF-DEFEATING "PATTERNS" IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN

Now that you've got your two negative patterns, here's where things are going to start coming
together for you...

First, I need you to get away from a dangerous kind of thinking that ALL WOMEN engage in when it
comes to men, dating and relationships.

I call it "All or Nothing Thinking".

Do you know any women who talk about how their relationship is hopeless and a complete failure...
And then a few hours or days later they have shifted 180 degrees to where EVERYTHING is great?
What does this say about the woman who thinks and feels this way?

What kind of relationship and communication "skills" does a woman like this have?

And how do you think a man experiences this kind of thinking and behavior... and what does it
say to him about a woman? Of course, this is an extreme example of "All or Nothing Thinking". Unfortunately, the more common "All or Nothing Thinking" is subtle and difficult to recognize. Especially when YOU are the one having the thoughts.

So, let me ask you...

When you look at your pattern, is there a negative trait or habit of yours that stands out as the one that gets you into trouble the most?

I'm certain there is.

I want you to identify at least one of your greatest WEAKNESSES that shows up in your life through your negative patterns.

I'll give you a minute to write this down next to the pattern it's associated with.

Go ahead.

...

...

OK. Now there's something I want you to think about...

It makes sense to cut this negative trait or habit that's associated with your pattern out of your relationship and behavior with a man... right?

It's caused a lot of these problems... right?

If you cut these traits or qualities out of the way you are in a relationship with a man, then things will be better... right?

WRONG.

What if the problems that come up in your negative pattern are caused by these traits? And what if the traits in your negative pattern didn't represent just your personal WEAKNESSES?

What if they ALSO represented your personal STRENGTHS at the same time?

If you were thinking that you should get rid of the trait or quality entirely that's involved in your negative pattern so that things will work better in the future... then you're going to that place of "All or Nothing Thinking".

Talk about throwing out the baby with the bath water. Over the years I've recognized that there's a
fascinating mistake TONS of people make in relationships, in business, and in every aspect of life... When something isn't working and they want to fix a problem, they don't look at the entire "system" around them. Instead, they focus their attention on the "symptoms" they see, in isolation. Some people complain about "Western Medicine" having the same shortcoming. That it only addresses symptoms, instead of taking a "holistic" approach to how everything works together.

Anyway... when a person is trying to fix a problem in a relationship, by not seeing the entire "system" going on around them, they can't see how all the elements are inter-connected. So, when they go to make a change, they think they can change what's related to the symptoms and everything will work better. This is like thinking blowing your nose will cure a cold. What's worse, often times the things that people change not only don't work to fix the problem...

Often times the change they make ends up making things WORSE by affecting all the other related
and inter-connected things that WERE WORKING.

Talk about COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.

Don't start solving problems and changing your relationship when you can only see the "symptoms".

There's a better way.

You need to start looking at the whole "system" of how you and a man connect and communicate in
your relationship. You need to develop your own "holistic" approach. Then you'll have the PERSPECTIVE to make choices and take action that will bring more connection and understanding into your life with a man.

So how can you start to see your own relationship with a man as the "system" that it is? And how can you avoid the dead end strategy of trying to cover up the "symptoms"?

Here's a step towards this that you can take RIGHT NOW...

I'm going to get you out of the habit of using your destructive "All or Nothing Thinking". I want you to look at your trait or traits again that were your own WEAKNESSES in your negative relationship pattern.

Now I want you to try something that might seem strange at first.

I want you to identify at least one way in which your trait or habit in your negative relationship pattern is also a STRENGTH. I'll give you a minute to see how the very trait that you just identified as a WEAKNESS is also a STRENGTH.

I want you to write the STRENGTH down right now next to the pattern it's associated with.

Go ahead. I'll give you a few minutes.

...

...

...

OK, good.

There's a lot of power and AWARENESS created in what you just did when you think about it... IF
you stay aware of this when you're interacting with a man in your relationship.

When you see how your WEAKNESSES, that you've been giving yourself a hard time about and trying
to figure out how to get rid of, are also part of your STRENGTHS... things you never could have understood will start to become clear to you. Challenges, issues, attitudes and hurtful things that a man brings to you that relate to your patterns, and these traits will start to look differently to you...

And you'll start to have an amazing sense of CLARITY about what's the best thing to do for you,
for him, and for your relationship.


A "STRANGE TRUTH" ABOUT THE PEOPLE AND RELATIONSHIPS YOU ATTRACT IN LIFE AND LOVE

You've got some basic tools to work with now to understand more about what's going on with you and
your relationship with a man. But it really only starts here.

Are you CLEAR on how these 2 patterns come up in your life?

Do you know how to avoid "All or Nothing Thinking" the next time it comes up and tries to create DISTANCE between you and a man.

Do you know where these thoughts come from and what to do to stay conscious and overcome the
negative aspects of your other destructive relationship patterns?

Do you know how to guide a man to start doing these same things to improve HIMSELF and the way
he is in your relationship, so you don't have to try and convince him of what's going on that he can't see or isn't paying attention to?

Most women who aren't in a happy, healthy, loving, lasting relationship don't have this knowledge and the ability to stay connected with a man that comes along with it. The strange truth is, patterns aren't just
coincidences in your life. They keep repeating in your life for a reason.

What are the lessons that keep coming up for you in your love life that you can't learn from where you are today, but keep coming at you?

The reality is that you have a choice...

You can keep repeating these patterns, and experiencing the pain and frustration that comes with them again and again...

This is the "easy" choice that doesn't ask or require you to learn and grow at all.

OR...

You can create a "shift" in your life.

You can choose to have more AWARENESS and more GROWTH... which will of course bring new ways of seeing things, and best of all, NEW RESULTS in your relationship.

The choice is yours right now.

I've put together what I think is the VERY BEST program just for a woman like you that will create
the GROWTH and AWARENESS you're looking for in your love life.

It's called "From Casual To Committed".

If you've ever wondered why you get "stuck" with a man once you get to a certain level of connection and intimacy... and then things seem to go backwards and he withdraws... then this program is going to change your life and your relationship. One of the most critical things that's going on inside a relationship when a "casual", or even a committed relationship, starts to wrong, even though there's no lack of love or caring between the man and woman, is FEAR.

And I don't just mean YOUR FEARS... I'm talking about a HIS FEARS too.

Inside this CD/DVD program I go DEEP into what fear is in relationships, how it works into the
entire relationship "system"... and how to break out of the negative cycles and patterns of FEAR
then ANGER then WITHDRAWAL. There's a reason why most men pull away and sabotage perfectly good, loving relationships with women.

And there's a reason why YOUR FEARS are only making these things with a man WORSE.

There are clear steps that you can take to change your love life and relationship, no matter where you are right now with a man.

Shifting your PERSPECTIVE and becoming MORE CONSCIOUS is your first step... some of which
we've touched on here.

You can stop the unnecessary PATTERNS. You can come to terms with, and understand, the FEARS.

And you can find out, once and for all, why it is that men so often put up RESISTANCE to becoming
more connected, closer and MORE COMMITTED with YOU on a physical and emotional level.

Don't let go of this opportunity to have LASTING CHANGE and IMPROVEMENT to the quality of
your love life and all your relationships. Go check out my From Casual To Committed
program right now:

http://www.CatchHimAndKeepHim.com/e/11929/fctc/

Oh, and by the way...

I've put up a few free video samples from the program online for you to check out on the page
where I give you all the details about this program.

And...

If you decide to check this program out now, I'm going to do something special for you as an
"insider" who reads my newsletter -

I'm going to let you take a copy of this program FREE so you can see if you like it and get the results in your relationship that you're looking for.

Try the program entirely at my risk.

If you like it, keep the program and work with it for a full 30 days.

If you still get the value out of the program you expected and want it after an entire month working with all the ideas, insights, exercises and materials... then I'll bill you.

But, if for some reason you're not entirely happy with the program, just send me an email and you won't be charged for anything. No questions asked. No tricks. No hassles. It's that simple.

So, let me send you a copy of this program today and you'll have an entire month to work with it before you have to decide anything. You don't have anything to lose here. But what could come from your learning, growth, and new "relationship skills" and wisdom could be PRICELESS and last a lifetime.

So don't wait. Let me know you want to try out my "From Casual To Committed" program free right
now:

http://www.CatchHimAndKeepHim.com/e/11929/fctc/

I'll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 12:48am

Mary Anne,
I feel like I'm going back to school! I copied all the Christian Carter info and pasted them into Word. It is a 16 page document, but it will be my study guide. I am planning on going on his site and signing up. It is amazing to find out how clueless I have been all these years. I thought relationships just happened. I am extricating myself from an almost 7 year relationship. Same old stuff - at first the romance, the flowers, the jewelry, the special touches were incredible...then the big change. It took about 2 1/2 years, but he all of a sudden decided that I wasn't the one. So, what did I do? I explained the stages of love, the fact that we would all be dead of a heart attack if we continued on in the frenzied "honeymoon" stage. I mean, I practically had the flow charts out. I sent lots of emails trying to "educate" him. So, the last four years or so although there were a couple of "time outs", we were basically together, just not like it was in the beginning.

It dawned on me that he was very comfortable in the "friends with benefits" relationship. I hadn't realized that he had effortlessly segued into that non-committed state. When I tried to bring it up, he stated that he fed me, and that meant something because he didn't feed just anybody. In retrospect I realize he fed his dog every night also.

The deal breaker was when I discovered by accident that he was trolling on an internet dating site. I said give that up or we were through. He said he didn't want to lose the friendship, but wasn't going to give up his "fishing" activities. Bullsh*t! We are through. I have realized that when there is a breakup like this, no contact has to be the absolute rule.

By the way, my name is Mary Anne also! I only go by "Mary". What a coincidence! I live in a very, very small town in California - no more than 600 people, and he is one of them. He actually relocated to be near me. Yuck! Not much choice of men here.

Thank you so much for all your help. Stay in touch and let me know how you are doing with your situation. Every day is a struggle, I know. I alternate between being really angry, terribly sad, and resignation.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 2:17pm
Wow this certainly helps. Thanks for your kind words. I'm keeping up with the NC, but it is difficult at times. It's so easy for me to fixate on the good and forget the bad. I appreciate your list of books and suggestions as to how to fill my time, I'll check em out!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 2:22pm

Mary,

Thanks for your C.Carter info, I read it over and am considering downloading the book. Do you have his CD/DVD? What do you think of it?

I really appreciate your prayers, kind words, and intelligent insights. It's been tough, but I think it's going to get tougher. And finally, easier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2006
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 11:21pm

Hi:

You're very welcome for the information. I got a message from the "Spam Board" telling me that I was out of line giving out Christian Carter's website address. I didn't realize this was against the rules. They think it's my website for some reason. Oh well, I won't do that again.

No I don't have any of his CD/DVD's so I can't tell you what they're like. He book is very good though and well worth the money.

One of the best books I've read (other than his) is entitled "Why Men Won't Commit". You can find it in any bookstore. Do you have Cole's Bookstores in the USA? I'm sure any good store will carry it - it would be under the Self Help section. Well, worth the money....very informative.

Yes, I'm going through the same emotionally draining stuff right now. It's been 7 weeks since I was last with Brian and 6 weeks since we last spoke. I'm pretty devastated right now and having alot of blue days. My girlfriends have rallied around me once again to pull me through this screaming and scratching...so to speak. They just try to keep me busy with shopping, coffee, swimming, games and lots and lots of one on one talking. I really don't know what I'd do with these wonderful gals. I love them like sisters. Do you have at least one good gf you can talk to - heart to heart? It does help alot - but especially if she's non-judgemental and really cares about you.

Well, stay strong. You're very right...it's going to get worse and THEN when we've walked through the fire we will be alright...stronger and better and more alive than ever. We just have to take this one day at a time, girl, and survive it. And we WILL survive it! My prayers are with you tonight.

Mary-Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 9:16am

Good Morning Mary:

I would like to keep in touch with you. We live so far apart but we have such a common bond here - a broken relationship and neither of us understanding what real relationships are all about. I see alot of 'me' in what you said in your letter just now. You also write very intelligently which is something that is missing in alot of the women I correspond with these days! I was just wondering if you'd like to exchange actual email addresses to keep in touch. I'm finding this site to be very difficult to figure out - your letters keep disappearing and I have the devil of a time finding them again!

If you're interested my email address is zippyzia at excite . com

I had to spell it out that way so it wouldn't come up as a website thing.

You mentioned your guy didn't want to give up his "fishing" activities...is he by any chance on Plenty of Fish dating site? If he is - so is my guy! Brian is also on a couple of other sites, too. He knows I'm aware of this, too. I understand why Brian is on these sites. He's trying desperately to see if there's supposed to be someone else out there for him. What he doesn't seem to realize is that "I'm the one"...I'm perfect for him, and him for me...BUT...he's scared. I do understand him far better than he even understands himself. Thanks to Christian and other authors I now know why he acts the way he does and why this relationship has failed miserably.

I've had a lot of blue days lately but it's Monday and I have lots of work today for which I'm SO glad. So, I'm off to the races. I'll check back later today on both this site and my email to see if you've had time to respond. Try to keep your chin up today. Remember, Mary, we will survive this. I know exactly how you feel - the sadness, the anger and resignation. You're relationship is a lot longer than mine with Brian. We've only known each other for 9 months and it started falling apart after three months but very slowly and painfully. LOTS of tears....I could fill an ocean and I'm sure you could, too. We just have to take one day at a time and vent to anyone who is willing to lend an understanding ear. I'm here for you to vent to anytime you need to reach out over the internet waves. Shared trouble is supposed to be then cut in half and easier to manage...or something like that.

I hope your day is a good one and that you will smile alot today. We'll chat soon.

Mary-Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 10:56pm

Hi:

I've been thinking about you alot today and wondering how you're coping. Was today a bit easier for you or a really rough one?

It was a rough one for me - busy workwise for which I'm very grateful but I couldn't keep my mind off Brian and how his eyes 'smile' at me when he tells me he loves me. It's been 7 weeks since I've seen him and 6 weeks since we last spoke and he told me he loved me both times.

How can it be over when he hasn't told me that it is? I just don't understand why he doesn't call, write or visit me and tell me that it's over...completely. He just leaves me hanging in limbo and that's the way I've lived since February. My nerves were so shot the other day, I had to resort to taking a mild tranquillizer. I haven't taken anything like that in such a long time -not since my exhusband left me. But I had the shakes, couldn't sleep, and was crying too much and I had lost so much weight I looked awful - down to 110 lbs. The medication helped alot even though I only took two pills in two days. Now I'm eating, sleeping, gaining some weight and look a bit better. I'm still sad but that's pretty normal. I'm not saying medication is for you or anyone else but it did help put me back on track....and THAT's all I needed. I'm not a pill taker so it's very difficult for me to break down and actually take something.

I'm sure you've noticed that another girl has been writing to you and me on this link. She's ana51 and she and I have exchanged private email addresses. She lives in California and is my age (55). I just wondered if you'd be interested in doing the same thing. Her real name is MaryAnne - the same as mine! We've decided that we'll chat through email and support each other through this heartbreak. So, if you're interested, my email address is zippyzia @ excite.com

Well, I hope you had a good day today and that you were able to find a few minutes of happiness. Stretch out those happy moments as long as you can. If the sad thoughts invade your thinking, I find thinking about the bad points in our relationship helps refocus my mind. Don't know if that will help you, but it's a thought.

Hope to hear back from you and how you're coping. Take care.

Mary-Anne

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