feeling the need to apologize! ADVICE?
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| Sun, 01-28-2007 - 11:56am |
okay, i post on here quite a lot. sorry! it's just you guys are very helpful and give really amazing advice. heres the situation this time:
i got dumped over two months ago. but i saw the breakup coming about 2 months before it happened. i wont go into enitre detial, but basically on the first day of the first term of school (we go to the same school) i could tell my ex was really different then how he acted to me in the summer. he was SO distant and SO indifferent towards me...like he didn't even want ot be around me. i freaked out and asked him why he was being so weird on the first day, and he denyed it. aobut a month later (a month full of stupid fights and "almost" break ups)we had another serious talk (in which i talked most of the time and he just said things like "okay well i don't knw what oyu mean) and i was SO frustrated...because i could seemy boyfriend changing before my eyes and i knew there was nothign i could do. he attributed his changes to him needing a group of guy friends (he didnt have m=any guy friends at our school). so i said "fine, go find a group of guy firneds, as long as it doesnt change you then i'm happy for you". but of course, he DI change him. and throught is transformation, i kept acting so immaturally, but i couldnt help it because i was so confused, hurt, and at a loss of what to do. i could see myself losing the person i loved, and us becoming more distant, but i didnt know what to do!
anyway, continued to try and talk ot him aobut it, but he was always so unresponsive. i got so frustrated that i constantly started fights and acted irrastionally and got SO SO SO jealous. i said SO MANY things i didnt mean.
the point is...i did a lot of things i regret...but i didn't do them because i'm an immature persdon, or becasue i didnt want me and him to work out, becasue i did. i loved him. its just...i could see me and him growing apart and me slowly losing him...and it terrified me. so i acted really irrationally for 2 months. i was horribly annoying. but everyting i did was a reaction to him changing on me!
when peopel ask him about hte breka up, he tells them that it was for a ot of reasons, one of which is that 'i was so annoying about him wanting to hang out iwth other people and that i hated that he wanted new friends'. that wasn't it! i hated thr way he acted in turn towards me. it wasnt that he washanging out with other people, it was how he was acting towards me because of it. if he had made new firneds, stayed hte same person, and hwen i saw him...still acted hte same towards me, I WOULD HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY HAPPY. but i guess that is a very unlikely thing.
ANYWAYS MY QUESTION IS:...even though it was hius fault for changing the way he acted to wartds me, which caused me to change the wya i was acting towards him...i'm havign these huge urdges to apologize to him for me being so immautre when he started changing. i want to tell him that i said a LOT of things i didn't mean because i was so frustrated cause i could see myself losing him, and i had no idea what to do. i want to tellhim that i'm glad he found what he wanted that could make him happier than i ever could, and that i'm glad i could be around for him when he had nobody else. i want to say that i never would have acted so immaturly if it had been anyone else that i was losing, but the fact that i was losing him was really hard for me to grasp...and it was just really hard for me to sit around and watch us change. i want to say that, yes, i over reacted a LOT, and got mad for reasons i shoudlnt...but htat he cant blame me to being scared of losing someone i cared alot about. and i want to apoligize for tryiung to get ihm to work on the relationship with me...when he told me he jsut didn't have those feelings me me. but i also want ot tell him not to blame me for trying to hold on to him...because it's hard ot let go of someone your talked to every day for 14 months...and it was just hard for me to think about never being happy with him like we were in the begginning. i just want to apologize. i just want to feel guilt free again.
i know i probubley wouldnt get a pleasing response from him...but should that matter...if getting all this off my chest would make me feel better? it jsut really pains me to know that he thinks i'm so immautre and that we ended for such petty reasons. i know i shouldt care what he thinks, but what was keeping me sane throughout this break up was being guilt free...and now that i realize i'm not, i have the huge urdge to apologize. i KNOW i wont get the response i want from him...but i think getting it out in the open and just off my conscience may help me to move on.
what do you guys think?
SORRY THIS IS SO LONG AND I COMPLTELY DO NOT BLAME YOU IF YOU COULDNT GET THROUGH IT.
THANKS SO MUCH IF YOU DID!

socompletelylost...
Pianoguy isn't going to comment on everything you've written since your post WAS rather long.
Instead...I'll toss out a quote that my Mom told me many years ago:
"Don't cry over spilt milk!"
In your case...the relationship is OVER..FINISHED..KAPUT! Don't try to resurrect it with an apology. It'll mean nothing to him!
Instead...LEARN FROM THE MISTAKES YOU MADE and DON'T REPEAT THEM WITH YOUR NEXT BOYFRIEND!
Remember...you can't "undo" what has already happened. You can only try harder to do things a little better in the future!
Good Luck!
Pianoguy
In addition to the statement Pianoguy made about "It'll mean nothing to him!" I wanted to add a few things and it might be a little hard to hear....some of what you want to tell him and I will be specific is not about wanting to apologize. Sounds like you have a lot of grief to process and I don't want to add to it, but I hope breaking it down will help you see things differently.
::i want to tellhim that i'm glad he found what he wanted that could make him happier than i ever could,
This could be taken that you want him to feel guilty, putting you in the victim role.
::and that i'm glad i could be around for him when he had nobody else.
This could be taken that you want to force him to recognize and acknowledge that he's lost a good thing. A form of manipulation.
::i want to say that i never would have acted so immaturly if it had been anyone else that i was losing, but the fact that i was losing him was really hard for me to grasp...and it was just really hard for me to sit around and watch us change. i want to say that, yes, i over reacted a LOT, and got mad for reasons i shoudlnt...
This is about explaining and justifying your reactions (actions, decisions, etc) not apologizing.
::but htat he cant blame me to being scared of losing someone i cared alot about. and i want to apoligize for tryiung to get ihm to work on the relationship with me...when he told me he jsut didn't have those feelings me me. but i also want ot tell him not to blame me for trying to hold on to him...because it's hard ot let go of someone your talked to every day for 14 months...and it was just hard for me to think about never being happy with him like we were in the begginning.
Again, this is not about apologizing, but more about explaining, giving excuses for your behavior, etc., thrown in with a little guilt and manipulation to evoke a feeling in him.
::i just want to apologize.
If you decide to do it, do it without the extra stuff.
::i just want to feel guilt free again.
Only you can forgive yourself. You won't get it from him.
Personally, my advice would be - find closure within yourself, write him everything you want to say in an UNSENT letter, then burn it and let go. Stop beating yourself up. Sorry you have to go through this. I hope you get through it soon.
Carrie
okay, thanks guys. i do understand what oyur saying. but i forgot to mention something. we see eachother every day. we have almost all of the same mutual friends. whnever i go out on the weekends there is a 9/10 change that he'll be there. it's just...okay...maybe i'm trying ot justifyu some of the things i did, but is that really such a problem? he's walking around making it sound like i'm one of the most immature, annoying people ever born, when everything i did was a reaction ot him changing. its just not fair that he saying those tihngs to MY friends (his friends also.) so maybe i want him to know that i didn't just og crazy one day, and i was reacting to losing him. if he doesnt respond, at least my thoughts are off my chest. and MAYBE just MAYBE it wont be so horrible every time i pass him in the hallway, or have to aviod a group of people he is standing with becasue it would be unbearabley awkward if we wer togehter. i don't know, he doesnt have very good feeligns towards me (god knows why) but i just thought...to survive the rest of this year it would be good if we oculd just break the tension and i don't know...be able to awknowledge eachother existences?
you guys have good points...but does the fact that we are forced to see eachother and be around eachother change ANYTHING?
he eneded it with me...so i think i had every right ot act the way i did...but it's just...i hate walking aroudn school having to aviod where he is becasue its awkard and i feel owned. i walk around like i dont care at all, and if him and i ever make eye contact we never say anything. i feel so immautre about it. would it be the worst idea in the world to jsut get my apology out htere (not nessisarly taking the blame for hte break up, but taking the blame for my reactions) and then mvoe on? i don't know. i just feel immautre and i thoguht stepping up, apologizing, and being civil would be good. maybe not? i dont know, its not like im the only one doing the ignoring. WELL. what'dya guys think?
It's a long process and I'm only realizing it as days go by..
The thing is, I believe the reason you want to apologize to him isn't to just say, "I'm sorry I acted so off-kilter towards the end.
okay it's very helpful to know that someone was in the exact same situation as me (basically). i do realize that i am just trying to justify all the stupid things i did at the end of our relationship (in order to ease my guilt and change his opinion of me) and because i'm still trying to change his opinion...i will not apologize yet. or maybe ever. i don't think i could be JUST friends with him. we shared so much and know so much about eachother, and we practically lived together this summer....it's all to hard to forget about it. furthermore he comes to classes withevery with multiple hickeys on his neck. i know it's juvenile and sort of trashy...but it still makes me insanely jealous to have to picture the situation in which he recieved them. if i'm getting that jealous over something stupid liek him getting hickeys a lot...then clearly there is no way i'm healed. how do i stop getting jealous over those stupid things that i have to see every day at school?
i think i will just continue avioding him. but i HATE those situations where i just feel so immautre. like the other day...i was in an evelvator at school with a couple people, and we stop on a floor and he gets in. i looked at him (by accident) and then looked away really fast. i felt like a 13 year old. and he didn't even look at me. it's like..hes so relaxed about us not speaking, or even us being near eachother and not speaking...but my heart starts beating all fast and i clearly am really uncomfortable. we never speak to eachother. it's really weird to be so immautre...but he doesn't care at all (it's very clear) so what is the point in me caring either?
any more advice on dealing with going to shcool with your FIRST ex (and first everything basically...) its really really hard for me sometimes, even though its been two and a half months. how long did it take your heart to NOT beat fast when you saw him? or...not care when he has hickeys...or not care when he's kissing other girls foreheads in front of you...or not care when he's hugging someone...(the list goes on). seriously its really hard for me sometimes...but i just constantly try to remind myself of all the mean things he did and said to me and how different ghe was then when we started dating.
UGH, any advice? :)
I know that it hurts to think about how mean he was to you, but you have to move on from that. Over time you will feel better and the hurt will start to go away. And if you ever need to vent and rage, message me. I'm here. I hope you feel better.
Now, 5 months later, I still get weird feelings in my stomach around him but they're subsiding.. When his new gf is around I can't even look at him. I ignore him alot and it makes him really mad/sad. He wants so bad for me to stay in his life but I think it's more for selfish reasons because he knows I care so much for him. I've been slowly weaning him OUT of my life tho since Christmas because I know this is slowing my healing and moving on..
You seem still extremely hurt by what happened (and of no fault of yours) so definitely try to avoid him. He MAY SEEM like he doesn't care about not talking to you and all "non chalant" but I can assure you that there could be alot going on that you just don't see or know about. Keep your head up high and make it seem like you don't care either. It'll make him wonder...