Feeling sad today...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Feeling sad today...
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Fri, 06-30-2006 - 11:59am

I think I've mentioned that I started seeing someone recently. He and I met back at the beginning of May and saw each other a lot for 2 weeks, but I was uncomfortable with him coming on too strong so I told him I thought we'd be better off as friends. So we were, for a few weeks, but then he persuaded me to give it another shot. But I just never felt comfortable with him...I was always on edge around him for some reason so I ended it again last night. He was upset...it was hard. I know he cares about me a lot but there are just some things about him and the way our personalities interact with each other that I don't think make us right for each other. He, on the other hand, is convinced that I'm uncomfortable because this has the potential to be something real and I'm running scared. Of course, him saying that triggers one of my biggest fears--that I'm really only attracted to men who are unavailable on some level, and that I'm always going to find something wrong with men who ARE available (the whole passive commitmentphobe thing). But I don't believe in my soul that that's the case here...I really think that we just aren't a good fit. I feel I gave it a try but it just didn't feel right and I have to listen to my gut.

But it's hard to let go of someone you know really does care about you and to hurt someone like that. Even though I do feel I did the right thing, I feel very sad this morning.

Sheri

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Registered: 09-07-2004
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:26pm

I can certainly relate to the attraction for Mr. Unavailable. Must be human nature to want something we can't have.

As for hurting someone who obviously cares for you...think of the pain they would experience if you let it go on without mutual feeling for HIM? If it doesn't feel right, it JUST DOESN'T, and nothing on earth can change it. I speak from experience there, having married two men where it "just didn't feel right". But, foolishly, I went ahead anyway because they wanted it. Think how lonely it is to WANT to love someone. No. I will never settle again. Just because my Mr Unavailable isn't right; doesn't mean the next one won't be. Or perhaps I will find someone who is just as sexy, and actually doesn't drive me crazy!! Hog heaven!!

Hugs...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:32pm

Thanks, I know you're right on not leading him on.

Just to be clear...it's not that the guys I've been most strongly attracted to are unavailable in the sense I can't "have" them...I can "have" them alright, in the sense of being in *some* sort of relationship with them (heck, I even lived with one for 3 years), but they can't or won't give me all of what I want--what they all have in common is that they are emotionally unavailable in some essential way.

Sheri

Avatar for iamdelightful
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:59pm

Sherri,

I am very familiar with the pattern of being attracted to unavailable men. My last four out of five boyfriends were unavailable in one way or another. The one who wasn't I felt I just wasn't in love with. But I often think about him, even though we broke up nearly five years ago. I often wonder if I wouldn't have been happy married to him.

I want to sympathize with you and tell you that you will meet someone who will have all the qualities you're seeking and that it will happen soon. But realistically, we can't really know that. There's a part of me that wants to play devil's advocate and tell you to give this guy another chance. I think it's because you brought up the possibility that you're not attracted to him because he's available.

On the other hand, you've tried it twice already and I guess if your gut is saying no you have to pay attention to it. I guess my worry though is that your gut is deceiving you ... that you're walking away from him for all the wrong reasons, that the situation is as he sees it. I sort of wonder what you don't like about him ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 1:00pm

Absolutely...the ones that are physically sitting next to you, but emotionally....who knows? The toughest breakups I've had have been those kind. The more you invest, the more they pull away...the more you turn yourself upside down and inside out...the cooler they become, the more distant, less THERE. I've only been really in love twice in my sheltered life; neither of whom I married. The first one was in my twenties. It lasted for seven years, and I swore no man would get that much of me again. The second is the one I am involved with now. In between, I married men I didn't much care about, but who cared about me. DOESN'T WORK!!

Yes, you are allowed to feel sad, but you would be sadder still to break his heart further down the road....

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Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 1:19pm

Big hugs Sheri, I'm sorry you had such a hard time last night.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 1:34pm

Thanks, I appreciate you not blowing smoke and saying that ;-). I do want to stay optimistic but I have to be realistic too!

As for what I didn't like about him, this is my list (I'm reluctant to post it in a way because I think it'll paint him in a bad light, so please remember that these are the negatives...he does have positives as well!):

--the most important issue, to me, was our religious differences. I consider myself to be Christian but he's a fairly recent convert and is pretty hard core. He attends a church that has been involved in some controversy recently for its active anti-gay rights stance, and while I do respect his right to hold the views he holds, it's hard for me to be with someone who doesn't seem to have much tolerance or compassion for viewpoints that differ from his own. We butted heads over this a lot and while I tried to be respectful of his views, I never felt that I got respect for mine in return. And he wouldn't stop bringing those types of topics up so I either had to just say "mmm" and go along, or we'd get into a disagreement.

--he has some control/insecurity isses--for instance, I had made plans to go up to a friend's cabin last weekend (I'd made the plans while we were in the "friends" mode so I didn't feel I needed to discuss or clear them with him in advance). He was all upset that I was going away on a Friday night (and the fact that my friend is a gay man didn't help). Yet even though I was free the night before I left, he refused to see me because he had plans to go jogging with a friend that he couldn't or wouldn't change. I felt like he was punishing me for making plans with someone else (so in other words, he wanted me to change MY plans, but wouldn't change his). And he'd say things to me like, "you're really starting to get a lot of gray hairs, you should start dying your hair"--uh, that's MY decision, dude, not yours!

--he moved out here recently and is somewhat in transition--doesn't have a car, has only a part-time job that doesn't quite make ends meet. That doesn't bother me, he seemed to be trying to find something else, was looking into getting additional job training, etc...but what did bother me was that he was always asking me for favors--could I drive him here or there, etc. I don't mind doing *some* favors, of course, but I was starting to feel that I couldn't talk to him without some demand being made on me. I am very self-sufficient and I prefer a partner to be the same way.

I did talk to him about all these things (one thing that I really do like about him is his ability to discuss things openly) but nothing changed. I was starting to dread his phone calls and avoid getting together with him...not a good sign, to say the least!

Sheri

Avatar for iamdelightful
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 1:43pm
Ok, those are pretty bad issues. I get it now. You're definitely not turning him down because he's available and you fear closeness. Those issues would have bothered you even more over the long run. You WILL find someone to love who loves you back, Sherri. It's only a matter of time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 2:00pm

Hey Sheri, I know you wrote this one to IAD, but I just wanted to chime in that your gut was talking loud and clear on this one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 3:06pm
Don't beat yourself up. Just because you did not feel a strong connection with this guy, doesn't mean that you are acting in a passive commitmentphobic way. Sometimes two people just don't click. Even if one person feels strongly about the other, it doesn't automatically mean the other feels the same. It takes two to make it work. You are a smart person. If you didn't feel that something was right, then it wasn't right. Don't second guess yourself or let others tell you how you are feeling. We know how we are feeling the best. Trust yourself. And be proud of yourself...that was a strong thing to do. Many people would just stay in the relationship, knowing something wasn't right, until down the road it blows up in their face. I say the more experience you have, the better you know who is right for you and who isn't.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 5:08pm

Thanks, everyone! I just got back from seeing my counselor and she feels strongly that I made the right decision. She also said that she understands my fears (about the passive c'phobe thing) but she volunteered (I've been working with her for about six months now) that she honestly thinks that if I found a guy who was emotionally available and who treated me well and/or was truly compatible that I'd welcome it, not run away. So that confirmed what I felt in my heart.

I'm still feeling sad because I really did have hopes that he would turn out to be right for me (and he really does have some good qualities that I really appreciated), but I know I'll be ok. I really appreciate the support!

Sheri

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