feeling silly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
feeling silly
8
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 12:21pm
i would first like thank everyone for their posts,because I have been lurking the past few days gaining insight and some hope from fellow posters.
My boyfriend of 15 months, ended our relationship on Monday with an email. We had been having a difficult time with his reaching out to other women in the last month or so, via email and phone contact so I asked that we spend some time apart trying to determine what the best next step was. He initially told me that he needed to speak with someone about his problems and that he wanted time to talk with a counselor. We spoke briefly over the weekend and he once again stated he intended to seek counseling. He decided on Monday that he knows that I am the best thing that's every happened to him and that he has never felt this way about another person and there is no one else he would rather be with, but he does not have an emotional/romantic attachment to me. He followed that email with a second email twenty minutes later, letting me know he got no closure from the note he sent and that we had both had a couple of long days and he begged me not to cut him out of my life and to give things a couple of weeks to die down because he can't imagine not having me in his life in some capacity and would die not being able to see, talk and joke with me...needless to say, there have been a number of messages and notes sent and with the exception of a little backslide and a nasty email exhange, I have not responded to his contact.
So, what is my dilemma; here is what i tried to ignore about my former partner, he is a 42 year old divorced father of two who has lived in four different places in the 15months we were together, he has dated over fifty women, he has a job for five years with hours that change week to week and he is always on the lookout for a quick fix and new opportunity, he starts and restarts intense work out routines every three months and he has a problem controlling impulses...yes, I know, I read He's Scared/She's Scared and would say there are classic commitment fears..so why do I still want to hear from him and why do I still miss him and how do I move past this? If I respond to him and we begin again as friends, are we going to fall back into a relationship and have this happen all over again?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: meg1222
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 12:32pm

You miss him because you're still emotionally attached to him...after 15 months, that's normal! Even if you'd found him in bed with another woman, and ended it for that reason, you'd still miss him on some level. That's to be expected.

So what you need to do is BREAK that emotional attachment, and the only way to do that is to have no contact and let time do its work, while focusing on getting to the point of accepting that the two of you aren't right for each other. NO, you cannot be friends with him at this point...not until you have absolutely NO romantic feelings for him (as in, he could tell you all about his great new gf and your only reaction would be "oh, how wonderful for you").

Block him from emailing you. If and when you're ready to be friends, you can reconnect with him then (and if he has it in him to really be your friend, he'll understand why you had to do that...trust me on this, I'm now friends with my c'phobic ex, and I blocked him from calling me for a year and he understands why I had to do that).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
In reply to: meg1222
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:14pm
thanks Sheri- I guess what i remain conflicted about is why he is reaching out to me and not taking the out he is being given?
Does anyone honestly believe you can move into a friendship mode so quickly after someone's been hurt?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: meg1222
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 2:59pm

Reaching out, keeps you on hold, keeps you waiting in the wings, so he can go do what he wants but still have you as a back-up plan OR he just doesn't want to be labeled the 'bad guy' and figure if you talk to him, then it means you don't hate him, so it makes him feel good about himself.

::so why do I still want to hear from him and why do I still miss him and how do I move past this?

Part of your need to hear from him, is to validate that you are wanted/desired, that there is nothing wrong with you. Which there isn't.

Moving on takes time, healing time and is best with no contact.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
In reply to: meg1222
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 3:34pm
thanks for your message.. I know you're right and I also know that I have to deal with why I saw so many warning signs yet chose to ignore them..that's something I need to address.
That being said, the I'm stuck side of me says...is he truly unable to committ or am I coming up with excuses for his behavior to ease the rejection?
What's the consensus on committmentphobic people ever breaking the cycle?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: meg1222
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 3:49pm

In your own words:

I read He's Scared/She's Scared and would say there are classic commitment fears


Carrie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: meg1222
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 3:54pm

Does it really matter, ultimately? Either way, he's not right for YOU and THAT is what you need to work on accepting.

But FWIW, c'phobes don't change without counseling...and from my reading, it sounds like only a small percentage of men who are willing to *go* to counseling (already a small percentage) actually follow through and do the hard work necessary to change. So, in other words, there's only a tiny chance, and that's IF he goes to counseling.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
In reply to: meg1222
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 4:21pm
Gosh- why do we do this stuff....I wonder if I am the SHe's Scared the book addresses choosing unavailable (emotionally) men..hmmm, good thing I have a whole long weekend to address all that's wrong
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
In reply to: meg1222
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 8:57am
Hi all- it has been one week since the "break up" and about five days since he last reached out to me for a friendship and I continued to not respond..Is it safe to let my guard down now since I haven't heard from him in a few days...for anybody else out there who has dealt with ambivalent men was the contact continuous after a breakup or should I expect to hear from him down the road? I am feeling stronger and more in control of my emotions so any advice or listening to someone else's experience will continue to help ..