feeling so lost and alone
Find a Conversation
feeling so lost and alone
| Sat, 08-14-2004 - 3:47am |
My bf of 4.5 years broke up with me 3 months ago, and it is finally hitting me that things are over. I've rarely cried in the last 3 months but now I'm feeling everything I bottled up before. He broke up with me because he wants to know what it would be like to date others. We are each other's first everything, and we are young(22) but I always thought that we were happy and meant for each other. He told me that he loves me, and that he really wanted things to work, but he could never be completely happy with me without experiencing other relationships. We broke up once before about 1 year and a half ago because he had the same thoughts, but he came back after only a month saying that he didn't want there to be anyone but me. I took him back because I wanted to believe him so much. This time, he told me that he knows now for sure that he can't commit to our relationship because he feels too curious about what else is out there. For the 1st two months we continued to talk, with him initiating all of the phone calls, and I admit I had the hope that he would come back again. But this last month, I finally realized that he isn't coming back and that the phone calls were just his way of hanging to me without committing to me. I told him we couldn't talk anymore. Since then it has a been a living hell. I walk around all day pretending to be ok, but there's always an ache inside of me. My heart jumps every time the phone rings and breaks when i pick up and it isn't him. I find myself wanting to cry at random times, and sometimes the pain is so bad I can't eat or think.
The thing is my bf didn't abuse me, or cheat on me, or shut me out. He was just honest with his feelings and is now respecting my wishes for no contact. He was my first love and I just don't know hwo i'm going to get through this. There are times when I miss him so much that I have to leave the house so I don't call him. I've become a total workaholic, working overtime when I don't have to so that i can stay busy. And always in the back of my mind I think, maybe if I was less needy, or prettier, or (insert whatever you want) he wouldn't have been curious about other girls, that somehow I should have been enough. Please help me.........I don't know what to do, and I feel so lost

Awesome sig made by Shelly @ Pixel Perfect Signatures
I totally relate to what you're going through. When I was a little older than you are, I had a very difficult breakup with someone I'd been with for about three years. Like your ex, he wanted to "see what else was out there." Looking back (I'm now 33), I see that actually his desire to experience "other things" was both rather immature (why couldn't he value me enough to know he should hang on to me for dear life??!) and rather age appropriate (after all, it's fairly natural in our twenties, particularly our early twenties, to want to experience lots of things and not commit to one). I think, though, that women tend to be more grounded and mature in the realm of relationships (at least some women!), and we realize that relationships are valuable and important and a good one is worth working for. Most 22-year-old guys, unfortunately, probably have at least five years ahead of them of wanting to "play the field," to an extent. As the previous poster said, it's good that your ex was honest about his ambivalence, and I think it was absolutely right for you to cut off communication with him.
This relationship was a big part of your life. In a sense, a chapter of your life is closing. But a new one is beginning! You probably feel too grief-stricken right now to be excited about that, but eventually, when you've healed a bit more, you'll be able to be enthused about new possibilities.
Maybe it will help to realize this: THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO. He broke up with you -- and believe me, he would have done it regardless of what you look like, what type of personality you have, who you are. He wanted to experience other relationships; that's his choice and he made it. He chose that option rather than staying with you. It hurts like hell, but it's happened. So move on from here, and try not to tell yourself maybe he wouldn't have done it if you'd been "different." He would have done it regardless; that's what he wanted to do! By telling yourself he might not have broken up with you if you'd been "different," you're reinforcing the idea that if you were the problem, you can also be the solution. Therefore you don't have to accept the fact that in human relationships, there is ALWAYS a risk. We simply can't control another person's wants and needs. You risked being involved in this relationship for more than four years, and now he's ended it. You didn't want it to end, and that sucks. But, for me, it always comes down to this: Would I really want to be with someone who'd rather see what else is out there than realize what he has with me? And the answer will always be NO.
You will get through this, and emerge stronger and with greater self-knowledge. Take care.
toriphile
I really felt your pain when I was reading your post, and I'm sending you a big hug ! I felt so sad when you wrote :"And always in the back of my mind I think, maybe if I was less needy, or prettier, or (insert whatever you want) he wouldn't have been curious about other girls, that somehow I should have enough." I think it is so important to accept who you are and for the one you're with to love you just as you are too. I don't think AT ALL that it's that you're not pretty enough, smart enough, etc, etc. The right guy will love you for you, and you deserve that ! Don't let him cause you not to believe in yourself ! You'll get through it......