feeling terrible

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2006
feeling terrible
2
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 4:49pm
I think right now that I am in more pain than I have ever been in my life. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me about a month ago. We were long distance for a year and a half and saw each other pretty much every two weeks, then in August I moved to where he lived. We were planning on moving in together in May and then everything fell apart. Our relationship had some problems... we had a few blowout fights. It was really hard with the long distance and it made me insecure, then moving here was really tough because I didn't know anyone but him, and I became more insecure. I was so scared that I would be alone here that I was hyper focused on our relationship, and anytime he was the slightest bit aloof, quiet, didn't like my outfit, didn't want to have sex, I would ask him what was wrong. I would get scared, and our relationship just didn't flow easily all the time. Like I said, he broke up with me about a month ago, saying he didn't think we had a future together. He said it wasn't about his feelings for me but we just didn't work in a way that would be best for the long term. I feel like if I had been my normal, secure self in our relationship, we would have had the relationship we both wanted. I feel like it is all my fault and I can't handle that guilt. I feel like I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. He has said he loved me very deeply and was happier with me than he has ever been, and that he was closer to me than he had ever been, and that our relationship was really good overall. I feel like it's my fault that it wasn't the best relationship it could be. I have begged him for another chance (pathetic, I know), and am taking steps to tackle my feelings of insecurity, but he won't give it another chance. He has not been mean about it at all but just says that he doesn't think it will work in the long term, and he is afraid if he gives it another chance and it doesn't work then he will be more heartbroken than he is now. When we first broke up he was calling me and saying he loved me and missed me, but that has dwindled now. Last night he said he still loved me but didn't know if he was in love with me anymore, which was extremely painful to hear. He said that as he became convinced it wasn't going to work in the long term, it didn't make sense for him to stay in love with me, it would have made him crazy, which I understand. I just thought his feelings were deeper than would go away in a couple of months. Anyways, as I said I am feeling awful, have lost a lot of weight and I was skinny to begin with, and I am 26 and my friends are all engaged or married and I am terrified of where my life is going. I have a good career but that's it. And my worst nightmare has come true, I am all alone here. My family has been down to visit and my best friend is coming in April, but I am terribly lonely. It is almost too much to handle sometimes, the guilt, the fear, the loneliness. Any words of support would really help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 5:19pm

Wow, that is a tough situation. It is SO hard to do long-distance - I feel you see the best of the other person b/c each visit is a mini-vacation. I feel for you being alone, though!! Are you working in an environment where you can meet friends?

What you went through is so natural - you cannot move to a place where you know no one and not become a bit dependent on the one person you do know. But try not to blame yourself for the relationship ending. It sounds like he does not want to take any of the blame for the relationship ending – it is easier for him to let you take all the guilt, and you are taking it without question. You have been there for about 8 months, right? He may have felt he was growing apart from you - or that a 24/7 relationship was much more difficult than the long-distance - who knows...I feel he had more part in this than he is letting on! That is not fair and puts you in panic mode.

You are heading in the right direction by doing things to reduce your insecurities. It seems like he cannot be there for you if he feels you are too dependent. Begging him back may only drive him farther away. Are you in a situation where you can cut off contact with him for a while? If he truly loved you and can see you being the independent girl that you know you are maybe he will come around. And maybe he will not. You have been together long enough that you should feel full support from him. I am not sure you were getting that. Did your “blow out” fights ever make you doubt your relationship with him?

As for the marriage thing - I am 30 and my relationship of 3 years just ended – I went through the “oh my god all my friends are getting married” too, but it is ok! We cannot focus on that – it gets us nowhere. Your e-mail really touched me – I hope you are ok!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 9:32am

Hi,

I am going through a very similar situation right now. The ex and I were in a relationship for almost 2 years. I moved my whole life from NYC to where he lives about an hour and a half from the city. I don't know anyone here. I remember before moving saying my biggest fear was that I would move and then he would leave me, but I never really thought that would happen. It did. I can't just move back now because I can't leave my job. I feel incredibly stuck and alone. We broke up 6 days ago and have had no contact. In my heart I know this is for the best even though I'm completely shocked. When I come home from work I get sooo sad and start remembering. I know what you are going through, and I know we are both going to be okay and someday we'll say thank god that happened. I don't regret the love I have for him or my naive decision to move to him. Even when we think we know something is 100% it never is, everything is a gamble, and I know that if I hadn't tried and moved I would always be wondering what could have been, I would have blamed me. I don't blame myself now and neither should you. You loved, you gave it your all, you acted the only way you knew how, and he couldn't deal with it. I want somebody who can deal with it, who will love me when things are good and when they're bad, who would understand when I'm scared, and someone who doesn't just say all the right things but actually does them. This hurts soooo much. And the worst to me is that I'm all alone here. I gave it my all, no regrets. You gave it your all, don't regret. Trust me we will mend and laugh again. Right now is just a small fraction of time, granted a really hard one, but don't doubt yourself, you were you. You are not alone. I'm here, feeling the same pain.