Feeling weak,,, afraid of giving in...
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| Thu, 06-08-2006 - 10:03pm |
Big sigh.... don't even know where to begin.
Finally saw him last weekend. After my friend decided to get involved and have this intervention with him, telling him that he needs to fix this ( he just stopped calling after 4 months) and he is going to ruin my summer. Perfect let's just inflate his ego a tad bit more. He then texted me, unreal, nothing special, just Hi, how are you kinda thing. I replied I was great, and was heading out. So I see him, which should be a regular occurance this summer. Since we are all in the same place. He never came over, never said hi but DID watch me flirt, with the most powerful, weatlhy man in town to which I gave my card to. It was not for the obvious reasons, I just needed someone to talk to and he was next to me, but it looked like he was flirting and he did ask for my card. I heard from friends the ex stormed up the stairs alone out of the scene not looking too happy. Then texted me at 2:30 in the morning. I think I knew once he saw me it would get to him, but apparently not enough to call and fix this mess. It is so uncomfortable, I feel like my friends want to be with these guys and have fun, but yet if I show up I am the deterent to that. I feel like the one whose fault this is and it is his. He could change this around in a New York minute. He chooses not to. I want things the way they were last summer we all had so much fun. I mean I dated this guy, we are not strangers but it feels like we are now. We are not kids either, talking mid 30's he is early 40's. I am just so sick of it, yet it is like a moth to flame. I cannot stay away.
I should just let it go, stay far away. But I can't. I am feeling so weak right now, going back for more this weekend, and I know exactly what would fix this. I could just easily talk to him, sure we will all be drinking, and he will flirt, we will end up fooling around and things will all be nice nice again. As long as I don't expect too much, and just know what it is. Part of me badly wants this, wants what I missed out on last summer, we flirted, and I wanted so much more then. I truly wonder what he would do. But I want more, I want him to make the move, for my self respect I want him to want me, understand that I cannot just be a fling, and I want to set the rules. It really cannot go back to the way it was, if I allow that I am the only one who will get hurt. I am so torn, it is like I have the little angel and devil on my shoulders whispering in each ear. I do really feel weak, and vodka tonics, him looking cute, will only make it worse. I am so sick of DRAMA... I truly feel like I earned the drama queen title.
I honestly, know I am going there looking for some reaction, something to happen. I should be concentrating on somthing else. Someone else. I am trying. Talking to a few people had a kinda date there last weekend, but that did not go so hot.

I'm assuming from your post that this is some kind of summer share that you have with a group of people- and that he's in the house w/you. So- if that's the case, then, yeah, you can't really stay away and neither can he.
I don't know if you saw "The Breakup" yet- but that's what I thought of with your situation. Granted, this is a little different because their relationship was a lot more serious- but some of the same ideas still apply. I think the one thing you have to be careful about is trying to get a reaction out of him by flirting w/other guys. In the movie, Jennifer Aniston's character tries doing this- thinking that it's going to make Vince Vaughn's character see what he's missing and want to get back together w/her. Then, it turns into them pretty much trying to one-up each other w/them both seeing other people. Not that you did anything wrong so far- but he could be thinking that you are trying to make him jealous by flirting w/other guys in front of him, and get back at you by flirting w/girls in front of you. Then, things could start getting really ugly.
I think the best thing would be to avoid contact with him as much as you possibly can. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the drama- I've been there- and it will drive you crazy. Yes, it's going to be REALLY hard to not give in to hooking up again- especially in the environment that you are in- but don't give him the satisfaction of thinking you will be available whenever he wants. Be the more mature person and you will feel a lot better about yourself.
Erica
Exactly what he did, kinda of.... I am not actually in the share, but my good friend is and he handed her my bag of things I had left at his house this past weekend, perhaps his version of the one up on me from last week of me handing out my business card. Perfect way to ruin my weekend. I was perfectly miserable. Did not see him, did not need to. Not sure if I am going back for more this weekend. I feel like a moth to a flame though. My friends are all meeting men there, dating, and I am not. Not anyone I even like a little. I so badly just need a distration, some attention, so I can forget, and the more I want this the less I get it. Just someone to make me forget him even if just for one date.
He did text me to ask what I was doing after I said thank you for my things. This was of course at 1 am. I wish I could be a fly on the wall. Nothing I can do. I have no choice when it comes to him but to forget, move on or at least try to. It hurts like hell, and just knowing my friend sees him, knows what is going on with him, the temptation to ask it almost too much to bear. I just can only hope as summer progresses so do I and I heal. Last week honestly I was hoping to run into him, hoping to see him, hoping for a opportunity to hook up, but I guess that is all it would be is a hook up, and do I really just want that. My friends say it may take more time, it may lead to more. Not sure I buy into that belief. They are either into you or they are not, they see you as potential or they see you as fb's. So tired of the emotional drama, and feeling like a total reject as my friends meet men left and right. I am sure I am giving off some vibe. I am sure I am looking like a miserable person. Who knows, I am not one to hide my feelings or pretend.
My goal is to let him go this week, or try to. Try to stop having hope for him, and have hope for when I go to our summer haven it is to meet new men, who will treat me better, who will love me, and cherish me, and I will be able to do the same for them and not feel weird or uncomfortable.
This is hard. I guess I did fall in love with him. Dam him. I think that is what makes me so mad. I started to cry this weekend, as this guy went to kiss me. Not totally cry, just felt the tears welling up and I had to escape. Could not do it. It was just too emotional to let go of him. I just wanted him at that moment. I really have no idea why. I really wonder if I could have him back, kissing my behind on Main St. would I want it? or is it just because I can't have it.
So confused. Going to bed. Long day at work par the normal course. I need to regain some strength for next weekend and take it all day by day, I know it gets better, been here before. I just hate waiting.