Felt better for a second then bad again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Felt better for a second then bad again!
10
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 11:10am
Can anyone relate to this? I actually felt a little better Friday and even started thinking unfavorably about him but that only last until Saturday morning then the week-end was so difficult all over again. It's only been a week! I feel like the road ahead is so incredibly long : ( I look at other people and think how lucky they are to not be feeling this pain and I feel like I'll never know that feeling of happiness again. I guess hopeless is the best way to describe it. I was in the relationship for 5 yrs and I've heard it takes HALF the time to get over someone. I can't imagine feeling this awful for 2.5 years!! Thanks for listening and thanks to all who have been so supportive on this site.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 11:49am

I'm in the same boat. Up until a few days ago, I was feeling much stronger and capable. I felt like I could cope. Then I don't know what triggered it, but BAM! All weekend I just felt awful. I just couldnt stop thinking about my relationship with my ex and wishing things were different. I miss him terribly. I moved to this city to be with him, and I don't know alot of people, so the lonely times are the worst. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better than today and so on and so on for both of us.

-adc

-almostdoesntcount

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 2:27pm
I am so right there with you both. He threw in the towel on Thursday, we talked about it friday and saturday getting no where, ended the conversation angry at each other. One minute Im totally ok, the next my eyes start tearing. There is such an empty feeling in my heart. Just reading this board last night brought tears to my eyes, but I know I will get past it, I always have and always will. I am trying to use everyone's advice but it just aint a working. Ive been on the treadmill, went and did errands and all i find myself wanting to do is sleep and nap. I haven't talked with many friends cuz i am just not one to sit and mope with anyone else.
Im at the point now where I never want to go thru this awful feeling again and I will be better off alone. That is where I was when I met the cad. It just happened. Do you feel the same way? I was born in 64, you were too? Ive never married, never been pregnant, never lived with anyone and now Im supposed to hope there is someone out there? How? That whole there's someone out there for everyone is a bunch of hooey. There's someone out there for everyone for right now maybe.
I wish u well in getting off this rollercoaster of emotions. It sucks. I try to tell myself I owe it to me to let him go. He doesn't want me, its his loss, I am a survivor - im still here at 41 plugging along. Then at the same time I say, I want him, I feel such a loss. So see - what do i know? blah!
wish me luck tomorrow, I will actually see him in training class and am hoping I can get thru it tearless, no lashing out at him and no pouty face.
Im hoping I can sit far away and behind him so i won't feel him behind me. Think I'll get anything out of this class? Nope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 2:34pm

For both of you, please believe that it will get better. It's completely normal to have a good day followed by several bad days. Weekends are the hardest, because that is when you would spend a lot of time together. As for taking half as long to heal as you were in the relationship, I think that probably is applicable for shorter relationships, up to a year or so. Think about it - people are married for 20 years and then split up. Most of the time they move on to someone else within a year or two.

You can make the recovery shorter if you listen to everyone's advice. I am a case study for doing it wrong the first time we broke up. I went over every detail of our relationship, what was said, what was done, why he felt the need to breakup, etc. We stayed in contact, which tore me apart. A few months into the breakup he started talking about how much he missed me, loved me, blah blah blah. This went on for 5 months, where he'd float the idea of getting back together, all the time dating someone else. When I'd ask him about it he'd say I was pushing him away. So again the fault was shifted back to me. I was a wreck for 8 months of up and down, push and pull.

The second time I listened to my friends (and this board) and cut off contact. Yes, there have been a few slipups, which set me back right to the beginning of the healing process. Now that I have cut off contact I am starting to feel better (most days). I know it feels like your pain will never end, and other people just don't understand how much you hurt - but remember most people have gone through at least one devastating heartbreak. I know it doesn't help to hear that it will get better when you are so miserable, but it really is true. If you start living your life for you - you will realize that the good days start to outnumber the bad ones, until you can have a down hour and then put it aside and feel real happiness again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 2:39pm
That whole 1/2 the time of the relationship to recover is total MYTH and just some catchy phrase people heard on T.V. and are now trying to pass off as legitimate. It's ridiculous. You will grieve and recover as long as you need to AND want to. It's a combo of both. Just as with a death, you never RECOVER completely but you learn how to live your life in a new way and you learn to be happy again. You will be changed by what you just went through and that's just the story of life. Just be sure that your change ultimately serves YOU instead of debilitating you in a life of anger and bitterness. That's the big challenge. After having several men hurt me, it is a struggle to remain a loving and open woman willing to keep risking it. If I decided to curl up in a shell and stop giving my heart, I guess it would be terribly sad. The thing I'm working on is not giving my heart so soon and taking a lot more time to figure out if he's a man worthy of my heart. "Worthy" may sound like a harsh word to use but I know I have the best to give and so I feel I deserve the best in return. How about you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 3:38pm

Can I relate? Absolutely! My ex of 4 1/2 years broke up with me a little over three months ago. I feel great for days, even weeks, and then I have a bad day (or days). But I'll tell you what...the chest tightness and nausea are gone. My heart doesn't race. I don't think about him when I first get up, and some days I don't think of him much at all. I still cry, but it's rare. What I'm saying is it gets easier. It feels like it won't, but it will.

And that half the time stuff is crap. I feel soooooo much better already. Not 100% better, but what's there is manageable. Keep yourself busy. I picked up a couple of new hobbies and that helps. Weekends are the absolute worst. It helps to schedule out an entire weekend so you don't just sit at home feeling sad. I know how hard it is now, but it will get better. And if you're thinking it'll take 2 1/2 years, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 5:24pm
Thanks to all for your words of encouragement and wisdom! Boy, just reading your responses makes me feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel...and I can't wait to be there! You guys are the best : )
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 5:54pm
cool
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 7:53pm

Ok, I just got dumped (though not a five year relationship) but I did have a 3 year relationship with a high school BF that ended badly and I took some bad steps in healing that I have learned from greatly. Here goes:
1. don't let yourself get bored, that's when I feel miserable. If you are sitting around doing nothing.. find something to do! Go for a drive with some corny pop songs playing loudly, find a good cookie recipe to bake and give them away to your neighbors or someone, surf EBay and buy big sparkly fake diamonds, go the the gym etc.
2. Do something you normally would not do that you can brag about. (I am going to get my motocycle learner's liscence)
3. Go for a walk
4. Call an old girlfriend and have dinner (I am doing this tonight)
5. Burn a cd and dance around the house naked
6. Get a new haircut/dye
7. Make a list of things you hated about him
8. Buy a new pet

These are just some things that I have been doing to distract myself from Paul and they are the best things I think I can do for myself so I hope they are of some help to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 3:19am
I am healing from a breakup too and I have found that doing and learning new things I normally wouldn't have done helps. For example, I have decided to get my learner's liscence for motorcycles (even though I dont even have access to one) and I have been reading more lately and trying to be kind to myself. I have also been reaching out to some old friends, especially male friends as I find they are especially helpful. Girlfriends are more inclined I think to want to sit and dote and drone over every nuance of the breakup and look for hidden meanings whereas my male friends are straight up and say "look Danielle, you are great, and there will be a way better guy out there for you" It feels good to hear that from a guy. I have good and bad days.. when I am having a bad day, I dress up and go out to Starbucks and read a book and try to smile at cute guys that might be around just to reinforce my confidence and feel like I can flirt and get back out there when I am ready to. It will get better although it always feels worse than all the other times it will go away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 10:23am

Thats awesome pocketpixie! I too colored my hair the other night, and painted my toe nails, rented a movie (Little Black Book) and then bought the Carly Simon cd. She rocks! It's the little things that help. I waved at the FedEx guy and smiled and he waved back!! Things are looking up, we gotta just keep believing that!

GOOD LUCK ALL
Grace