Fiancee is having a baby with an ex.
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Fiancee is having a baby with an ex.
| Sun, 02-10-2008 - 8:41am |
I recently found out that my fiancee is having a baby with someone he dated, for a very short time, about 6 months ago..she is 6 months pregnant. Apparently she wasn't going to keep it but then decided to and moved to another province and then decided she was going to hide it from him and his family..well 4 days ago she changed her mind and told him. I was and still am in complete shock..i feel awful for him

Hi there,
Feel free to ignore my advice entirely, but I wanted to give you my genuine thoughts about this tough situation. I'll proceed on the assumption that your fiance is sure the unborn child is his. If there's any doubt, a paternity test will be an urgent priority after the child is born.
1. You have determined that you don't want to proceed with the relationship if he chooses to keep the child (and thus its mother) in his life. That's perfectly reasonable and understandable. It's a HUGE amount of baggage to take on and you're perfectly entitled to feel you're not up to it. Some women are, some women aren't, and you're very wise to know which side you fall on.
2. The truth is that this child will be in your fiance's life (and thus in your life) as a psychological reality, whether or not he becomes involved in its upbringing. You'll both be acutely aware of the child's existence. Even if your fiance gives up his rights, there's always the possibility that the child will come knocking on your door some time in the future. If you have fertility problems you may come to resent this child and its significance (even if you've never laid eyes on the child). In other words, your relationship has already lost the "innocence" of an unencumbered relationship.
3. Given #1 and #2, it seems to me that the best thing might be for you two to part ways and (eventually) for you to seek a clean slate with someone else.
JMHO Freelance
Edited 2/10/2008 4:49 pm ET by freelancemomma
I understand your position. Children tend to change people for life. Mine changed me. For the better fortunately. But even if he gives up parental rights it will change him. He will have to live with it for the rest of his life. I am most biased towards him and not you. Why would anyone bring a child into the world and then give up parental rights?! Thats what bothers me.
When I divorced my husband backed out of raising our 3 children, leaving me to do it all. He supports them but is not in their lives. What kind of person has kids, raises them for 10 years and then disappears?!
I also understand your wish not to be involved. Its a huge commitment to make to help raise someone else's kid. And if he does raise it and you marry him you will be doing just that.
I am going through that right now. My BF has 3 small kids from a previous marriage. He wants me to marry him but I am not ready to take on raising 3 more kids. Mine are grown and almost grown. I really don't want to start over again in my 40's. Especially with someone else's kids and the way he raises his (treats them like babies and is their slave). The kid thing could be what ruins us too.
Think long and hard before you go through with the marriage and talk to many people to get lots of opinions.
Laurie