fight too much but still love eachother

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
fight too much but still love eachother
15
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 3:25pm
i'm 17 and my first real boyfried, my first love, and i broke up on monday. we had been together about 10 months and it was a long distance relationship because we both were at different schools in different states. we met last summer and were together for 2 weeks before we had to leave each other. the first few months of our relationship were amazing and i fell deeply in love with him. but after that, we started fighting a lot. we're both stubborn, he has a bad temper, and we disagree on many things because we are completely different people. however, we were so in love that we didn't want to let what we had go because of the fighting, and we thought that a big reason for all the fighting was because the long distance was too hard. when we saw each other during the year, we didn't fight as much, but we still did. we "broke up" and took breaks and everything during the year to see if that would fix the problem and it always did for a little while and then we would fall back into the constant fighting. we loved each other so much and tried everything we could to make our relationship work. but we both got home for the summer last week and had a huge fight and decided that we just can't do it anymore. but the incredibely hard part is that we are both still in love with each other, and even though i know this is probably the right thing to do, i don't want to. we are still talking and are going to see each other tomorrow as "friends" and he still says he loves me because he does, but that just makes it harder. but the thing is, he's stronger than me and he is dead set on making this break up for real, but i still want to be with him so badly. part of me wants to win him back because i'm scared of losing someone that i love so much, but part of me knows that no matter what we do the relationship can't work..i'm sorry, i don't really know what im asking, but i need advice. should i try one more time to save our relationship? or should i just let it go..and if i let it go, how do i deal with still being in love with him when i talk to him and see him..and all the time..please help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 6:44pm

ONEthing i could tell you......your so young and your journey just started trust me. i was 19yrs old when i met my first love...that relationship last about 2yrs. i thought i cant get over him. his my first of everything....but actually he did something to me. we are having bad conversation that day and suddenly he push me. well i warn him already that i dont like guys hurting me. so he still did...i end the relationship. my friend dont even believe me that i was doing that...coz i'm like you i was blind.

well i finally did..i get over him.

on your situation dear....its too early for you to be worrying about relationship REALLY!! i remember when i was 17 yrs old. i dont know what "love is"...coz i never feel it..i was wondering why some girls cry over guys. i'm dating guys but i never feel love.

so for you my dear chin up...trust me you might experience more worst than this. but with all of this experience makes you stronger and more smarter in choosing relationship.

so stop worrying too much. GOOD LUCK




Edited 6/9/2006 6:45 pm ET by jazz_meeh
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 10:05pm
thanks for responding..i guess you're right that i'm too young to be worrying about this, and i know that i will probably have a much better relationship in the future, i just really know that i'm in love with him and am scared of doing something that might be a mistake..you're sure this isn't a mistake? he's never done anything to hurt me physically or emotionally and he's still in love with me too. and this summer is the first time that we could be together for real..not long distance..and i just want to make sure i'm not throwing something really special away.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 11:33pm
Let it go, let it go, let it go. The way you deal with being friends is to realize that you can't be friends with someone you love so much, not right away. You said the relationship can't work. The only reasonable thing is to let it go. It always hurts to lose your first love, but he won't be your last. I promise. And heartbreak, although it's one of the worst pains in the world, doesn't kill you. Hugs to you.
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anonymous user
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 11:39pm
so you don't think i can even be friends with him?? he's more than just my first love, he's my best friend. he knows everything about me and i've never felt more comfortable with anyone in my entire life. i know that i'm going to lose him as a boyfriend but do i really have to lose my best friend too? do you think that's the only way to completely get over him? and thats the other thing. he keeps saying that we're in different places in our lives right now and that maybe in a while we might get back together and things might work...but how am i supposed to get over him if i'm always thinking in the back of my head that i might get back together with him?? help!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 11:53pm

You can be friends eventually, once you are over your romantic feelings for him. I don't know how long that will take. It's different for different people. Could be 3 months, six months, a year or more ...

You seem to understand this when you ask:

but how am i supposed to get over him if i'm always thinking in the back of my head that i might get back together with him?? help!

If you keep seeing him, as a friend, you're always going to be hoping for more. And when he doesn't want more, for whatever reason, you're going to end up hurt. If he's your best friend, I think the two of you should sit down and have a reasonable discussion about it. I can understand your wanting to spend time with him this summer because it's the first time you'll have a lot of time to spend together, but it doesn't seem wise. I think the best thing you can do now is tell him you love him a lot so you can't be friends because you need time to heal.

The test of whether you can be friends with a guy you just broke up with is this: if he started dating other people and talked to you about the girls he was dating how would you feel? If you would be upset, then you can't be friends. You really do need time, that's the only way you can get over him.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 12:05am
that's what all my friends are telling me and i've tried to tell him this but he's being really weird about it. we have plans to see each other tomorrow for the first time since we broke up (it was over the phone) and i've told him all of the feelings i'm having about being scared of it hurting to much when i'm with him and the feelings i'm going to have of wanting him back, but he keeps saying that not hanging out as friends is a "cop out" and that he will lose respect for me for not being stronger. i don't know why he's doing this..any ideas? also, any ideas of what else i can say to make him understand that i just need time? the tricky thing is, i really do want to see him tomorrow, but for all the wrong reasons obviously, so when he fights to be able to see me, i give in really easily.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 12:28am
i was just reading your discussion about no contact and the whole idea scares me so much. i know i'm only in high school so it might seem like my relationship wasn't as deep or meaningful as other relationships, but it was. because this year was one of the hardest of my life because of many factors like school, family, and friends, and he was there the whole time to help me through it. i have always felt somewhat lonely and been insecure, but i changed a lot as a person for the better while i was with him, but now that we're broken up i'm feeling lonely, scared, and insecure again. i honestly don't know what i'm going to do if i can't have him in my life to comfort me and support me not only through our breakup which he has been trying to do, but also in all the other things happening in my life. i know it's probably unhealthy that i became so dependent on him..do you think that means i get too attached to people? i just don't know how i'm going to make it through this time without him because he is the only person that really knows me and understands how i am feeling. do you really think that the no contact thing is the only way to get over someone though? aah i just don't know how to get over him if i'm still in contact with him but i don't know how i'm going to make it through this without contact with him. and what makes everything sooo so hard is that we both still love each other.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 3:12am

By why is he doing this, do you mean why is he insisting that it's ok for you to be friends? It could be many reasons. Pick one or several. He's young and stupid. He doesn't understand women. He doesn't have experience with relationships to know that you don't go from being lovers to friends overnight. He doesn't respect your feelings. He's selfish. I really hate what you said about his losing respect for you for not being stronger. That's just hogwash. Don't fall for crap like that. Say to him, If you truly respected me you would care about my feelings.

He doesn't need to understand that you need time. You just need to take the time. If he won't respect you, you need to respect yourself. Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. You know what's right.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 3:34am

I hope I didn't imply that your relationship wasn't deep or meaningful because you are a teenager. I still remember how deeply and totally I loved my first boyfriend, whom I met when I was 17. It was a very serious relationship.

I understand that he's everything to you. But you will probably learn, over time, that you can also rely on yourself, and friends to some extent and family too, if you're lucky. The world is a big place with lots of people, many of whom will love you and make you feel great about yourself. But it starts with you feeling worthy and lovable within yourself. I think you're lovable. I see that in the way you write.

He's not the only man in the world. I can understand that your world might feel like it's falling apart when you contemplate his not being in it. But it won't. I guarantee it. It may feel that way for a while, but that's just an illusion, your emotions playing tricks on you.

No contact isn't the only way. It's the quickest way though. Perhaps it's easier for people who are older and have more experience with relationships. I never had no contact with my first love. We were together for three years, and when he left me I felt like I was going to die. We never lost contact. And it took me about three years to finally get over him. I really felt like he was my closest friend though, so not being in touch was out of the question. We still know each other. We have known each other for 25 years. We see each other a couple of times a year now, and I really don't have any feelings for him at all. We're friends. But like I said, it took a long time for that to happen. For a long time I was really hurting, especially when I found out that he was involved with someone else, about a year after he left me. I think I hoped we would get back together for several years.

So again, no contact isn't the only way. Don't feel like you HAVE to cut off contact. Just play it by ear. See how it goes. You will find your way however you find it. Keep in touch. Let us know how you're doing.

Hugs to you.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 1:02pm
thank you for all the kind and wise advice you have been giving me. obviously my friends are all young and try to help but don't really know what to say. and my parents don't really understand these things haha. it's really nice to have someone there who has experience with all of this and is willing to help me. i reeally appreciate it. i've heard that you never really get over your first love and that thought is so scary, so hearing from you that you finally did is very comforting. from the advice you've been giving me and from what i myself am feeling, i'm going to see him tonight like we have planned so that we can talk about everything that happened in person, hopefully have a little cry together and get some closure, and try to move on as friends. but if i come home feeling more broken and hurt than i do now and feeling like i've made steps in the opposite direction i'm going to explain that to him and try the no contact thing for a while. does this sound like a good idea to you? i'll fill you in on how it goes if you want haha. thanks again for everything, and i know i'm young and inexperienced, but i'm always there if you need help and support too! <3

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