fight too much but still love eachother
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fight too much but still love eachother
| Fri, 06-09-2006 - 3:25pm |
i'm 17 and my first real boyfried, my first love, and i broke up on monday. we had been together about 10 months and it was a long distance relationship because we both were at different schools in different states. we met last summer and were together for 2 weeks before we had to leave each other. the first few months of our relationship were amazing and i fell deeply in love with him. but after that, we started fighting a lot. we're both stubborn, he has a bad temper, and we disagree on many things because we are completely different people. however, we were so in love that we didn't want to let what we had go because of the fighting, and we thought that a big reason for all the fighting was because the long distance was too hard. when we saw each other during the year, we didn't fight as much, but we still did. we "broke up" and took breaks and everything during the year to see if that would fix the problem and it always did for a little while and then we would fall back into the constant fighting. we loved each other so much and tried everything we could to make our relationship work. but we both got home for the summer last week and had a huge fight and decided that we just can't do it anymore. but the incredibely hard part is that we are both still in love with each other, and even though i know this is probably the right thing to do, i don't want to. we are still talking and are going to see each other tomorrow as "friends" and he still says he loves me because he does, but that just makes it harder. but the thing is, he's stronger than me and he is dead set on making this break up for real, but i still want to be with him so badly. part of me wants to win him back because i'm scared of losing someone that i love so much, but part of me knows that no matter what we do the relationship can't work..i'm sorry, i don't really know what im asking, but i need advice. should i try one more time to save our relationship? or should i just let it go..and if i let it go, how do i deal with still being in love with him when i talk to him and see him..and all the time..please help.

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ONEthing i could tell you......your so young and your journey just started trust me. i was 19yrs old when i met my first love...that relationship last about 2yrs. i thought i cant get over him. his my first of everything....but actually he did something to me. we are having bad conversation that day and suddenly he push me. well i warn him already that i dont like guys hurting me. so he still did...i end the relationship. my friend dont even believe me that i was doing that...coz i'm like you i was blind.
well i finally did..i get over him.
on your situation dear....its too early for you to be worrying about relationship REALLY!! i remember when i was 17 yrs old. i dont know what "love is"...coz i never feel it..i was wondering why some girls cry over guys. i'm dating guys but i never feel love.
so for you my dear chin up...trust me you might experience more worst than this. but with all of this experience makes you stronger and more smarter in choosing relationship.
so stop worrying too much. GOOD LUCK
Edited 6/9/2006 6:45 pm ET by jazz_meeh
You can be friends eventually, once you are over your romantic feelings for him. I don't know how long that will take. It's different for different people. Could be 3 months, six months, a year or more ...
You seem to understand this when you ask:
but how am i supposed to get over him if i'm always thinking in the back of my head that i might get back together with him?? help!
If you keep seeing him, as a friend, you're always going to be hoping for more. And when he doesn't want more, for whatever reason, you're going to end up hurt. If he's your best friend, I think the two of you should sit down and have a reasonable discussion about it. I can understand your wanting to spend time with him this summer because it's the first time you'll have a lot of time to spend together, but it doesn't seem wise. I think the best thing you can do now is tell him you love him a lot so you can't be friends because you need time to heal.
The test of whether you can be friends with a guy you just broke up with is this: if he started dating other people and talked to you about the girls he was dating how would you feel? If you would be upset, then you can't be friends. You really do need time, that's the only way you can get over him.
By why is he doing this, do you mean why is he insisting that it's ok for you to be friends? It could be many reasons. Pick one or several. He's young and stupid. He doesn't understand women. He doesn't have experience with relationships to know that you don't go from being lovers to friends overnight. He doesn't respect your feelings. He's selfish. I really hate what you said about his losing respect for you for not being stronger. That's just hogwash. Don't fall for crap like that. Say to him, If you truly respected me you would care about my feelings.
He doesn't need to understand that you need time. You just need to take the time. If he won't respect you, you need to respect yourself. Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. You know what's right.
I hope I didn't imply that your relationship wasn't deep or meaningful because you are a teenager. I still remember how deeply and totally I loved my first boyfriend, whom I met when I was 17. It was a very serious relationship.
I understand that he's everything to you. But you will probably learn, over time, that you can also rely on yourself, and friends to some extent and family too, if you're lucky. The world is a big place with lots of people, many of whom will love you and make you feel great about yourself. But it starts with you feeling worthy and lovable within yourself. I think you're lovable. I see that in the way you write.
He's not the only man in the world. I can understand that your world might feel like it's falling apart when you contemplate his not being in it. But it won't. I guarantee it. It may feel that way for a while, but that's just an illusion, your emotions playing tricks on you.
No contact isn't the only way. It's the quickest way though. Perhaps it's easier for people who are older and have more experience with relationships. I never had no contact with my first love. We were together for three years, and when he left me I felt like I was going to die. We never lost contact. And it took me about three years to finally get over him. I really felt like he was my closest friend though, so not being in touch was out of the question. We still know each other. We have known each other for 25 years. We see each other a couple of times a year now, and I really don't have any feelings for him at all. We're friends. But like I said, it took a long time for that to happen. For a long time I was really hurting, especially when I found out that he was involved with someone else, about a year after he left me. I think I hoped we would get back together for several years.
So again, no contact isn't the only way. Don't feel like you HAVE to cut off contact. Just play it by ear. See how it goes. You will find your way however you find it. Keep in touch. Let us know how you're doing.
Hugs to you.
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