fighting the temptation

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
fighting the temptation
17
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 10:27am
I just woke up this morning with a strong urge to email him. He moved away and said he would write to better explain why he broke up with me. I know in my heart there can be no good explanation but yet I wake up each morning wondering if today is the day he has written. Still nothing and I know he settled into his new place at least 4 days ago. I've gone 11 days without contacting him and it was two weeks ago last night that he called to tell me it was over- or he thought it was over, but was "so confused" he wasn't sure what was going on with him. I know he has issues he has to figure out. I just need some reinforcement to keep me from contacting him today. Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 9:11pm
HI Grace,
Thanks for asking. I'm doing just okay. Just got home from work and found myself in tears in the car. I'm fine at work; too busy to let myself think about him but as soon as I'm in my car or at home, it all comes flooding in. I live in a very isolating place right now and my first order of business is to find an apartment in the city, where I can meet new people and get on with life. Since my family and friends are all long distance, it's not easy moving. HOwever, my mom is going to fly out to help me. Living here already felt lonely and now that my ex left me (emotionally and physically- he moved out of state) it's even worse. So, I just have to hang on a little while longer. Someone at work asked about my new "love" today because the last she heard I was happy as a clam. ANyway, I got just a little teary but didn't break down or anything.
How are you Grace?
Jeri
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 2:49pm

he will write trust me about 4 weeks into all of this he will write. It happens all the time like clock work and he will hopefuly give you some answers. be patient keep busy and remain confident by that time you may not care what he has to say.

Men process things differently and it usually does not hit them right away.(the pain or loss) also sounds like has a alot going on and he can only focus on one thing at a time.If yu don't call he will be wondering and worried he has lost your for good. Trust me he will call you when he is able. I know it's hard as youwant some closure, but right now I agree it will only give your false hope if he has not worked through hisfeelings yet. When he calls you it will be because he has worked through some stuff and is thinking bout what to say to you. don'tpush it

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 10:03pm
thank you!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 8:50pm

popeyesgal-

I'm sorry to hear your situation. I read your earlier post and you mentioned the ex was very inexperienced in relationships. Perhaps his lack of experience is the reason why he left the way he did. He obviousley has issues with himself and shouldn't be in a relationship until he fixes himself. Hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 9:59pm
Thank you for taking the time to read those posts and for writing what you did. I really appreciate that.
You wrote something too that I wanted to respond to. You wrote about the unbearable feelings. You are right that it FEELS unbearable (it totally does), but it's NOT unbearable. When you start feeling that way and thinking that you can't possibly go another day with this pain and hopelessness, reach out to whomever you can. If that's the computer, fine. I haven't been hit this hard or missed someone like this in four years, when my last heartfelt relationship ended (the others in between were just small potatoes). I know it brings up a lot of rejection and abandonment issues for me, especially the sudden way it ended. I've been having fleeting thoughts of "why do I even bother with this whole thing anymore?" Though I've managed to overcome a lot of obstacles to get an education and support myself, the one thing I've always wanted in my life (husband who loves me and kids) seems to elude me, or at least has thus far. This breakup has really brought up a lot of pain, not just of missing him terribly, but the realization that I have yet another "ex". It just starts to get old and I'm wishing now that I hadn't met him to begin with. Before I met him, I had resolved to stop looking and just live my life and I was in a good and strong space. Then he just came out of nowhere and took my world by storm. I wasn't looking. They say that when you are least expecting it, the "one" will come along. People need to stop saying that because it matters not if we're looking, you can still get hurt. The fact that I wasn't "looking" fooled me into thinking, "oh, he must totally be the one" because of that stupid fallacy that he'll come when you least expect it. looking or not, you either get lucky or you don't. That's how it really is. some days good, some days bad and some just there.
Again, thanks for writing what you did.
I just secured an apartment in the city and I move next weekend. I think it'll help me to get away from here. I've lived here two years but my boyfriend was the only thing keeping me here and now he's gone and so I just have to leave. New beginning....a hard transition to make alone but it has to be done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 5:08pm

Hi girlie, glad to hear you are being strong. That you are keeping the temptation to contact him at bay. It's strange to think, we get so caught up in our misery and heartache, that we WILL be alright, and in the grand scheme of things, it's just a phase in our life that we gotta get through. I go through times where I question why? What is the meaning of this, what lesson am I suppose to be getting? I mean, why was I so attached to this guy, and he obviously just wasn't???? But I do sit on the fence of "to dwell, or not to dwell". I realized awhile back that I pined because I had pined for so long. He would call and set me back, and I would let him come over and *know* it meant nothing, but it gave me enough reason and anger and even hope to keep on pining. The only inner demons I still deal with are the lingering thoughts of what I will say if he contacts me again. Sometimes I'm mad for him always choosing somebody else over me, and then I think I'm overreacting, and I'll just blow him off. But irregardless, I'm consumed with thoughts. I pray to just be at peace with it, and be done, and then I'll catch myself *thinking* again. But I am dealing, and offering my 2 cents here and there, hehe.

Just my thoughts ....today.... :) Hugs!!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 8:10pm

Hey thanks! Sounds like we are all in this together- it's amazing what it means to know that at this very moment somewhere there are people going through this very particular type of heartache. I spent this past weekend almost completely alone for the first time since he left. I had a pretty massive crying fit in the car on my way home from securing my new apartment- it just hit me that here I am again finding another place to live alone. I called my mom and just let it all out, crying so hard. I should've pulled over!!! She was so great. She just let me cry but when she did that whole, "when you least expect it, someone will be there." So, I had to set her straight on that and said that helpful as it seems, it's really not a good thing to say to somebody. It's like telling someone who just lost someone to death that "they're in a better place". It's better to say nothing at all, really. I explained that my guy came to me when I wasn't looking and still I was hurt. In fact, because I wasn't looking, I thought, "wow, this is what they always say will happen...the right one comes along when you're not looking." Well, well, not so true after all.

Anyway, I picked up my mail today and two books I have been waiting for finally arrived. One of them is "men who can't love" and "don't call that man". I'm looking forward to reading them both and seeing if I can garner any insight.

Lilgrace, I hope you are doing okay too.

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