The Final Goodbye to His Mom and Friends
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The Final Goodbye to His Mom and Friends
| Mon, 11-19-2007 - 10:09am |
Been awhile since I posted, but many of you were victim to my long, emotional posts this summer. The summary: my boyf (33) of two years broke up with me (just turned 28) in April saying he didn't know what he wanted and didn't want to hurt me, but felt breaking up was the right thing to do. We have not spoken or been in touch and do not plan to do so. It was incredibly difficult and unexpected, and I spent a long, lonely summer trying to dig myself out of grief and move forward.
It's been six months since the breakup, and I know I am better than I was before. I started a new job a month back and love it and I've been very busy working out, running, playing sports and have gotten involved in other things, like volunteering and a book club. I've also been dating a nice guy for a couple months and taking it very, very slowly. I don't think it's going to be a long term thing, but it's a distraction and he's a nice guy to spend time with.
Yesterday, I had the "last goodbye" with my ex's mom, whom I was very close with, and some of my old friends from the old group I used to spend a lot of time with and fell out of touch with after the breakup. My ex's mom and I emailed a bit after the breakup -- right after and then a little bit again a month back when I switched jobs and sent out an email with my new contact info. We were all at a mutual friend's baby shower and while it was the first time I was seeing them since the breakup, it would also be the last time I would, since there won't be any more upcoming events we would all be at together. It was an emotional day, that is for sure.
It was nice to see his mom and my old friends, but also a little awkward. Everyone was very careful not to mention his name or talk about him or us. We kept the conversation pretty standard and light, which was okay by me. I almost lost it sitting at the table a few times, just thinking about everything....how normal and nice it felt to be back with that group, talking about people we all knew and catching up with them, like nothing had changed. But everything had. It made me sad to think that I lost all of these people -- my second family, an extended group of friends, when my ex left, and that since he is so very private and basically blocked me out when he left, refusing to dicsuss me or the breakup with mutual friends or family, I feel like he erased me. And everyone is afraid to bring me up or talk about it when he is around, so I got erased by them, too. It made me so sad to hear about how they were and that I hadn't been a part of it...hearing about one girl's wedding I had been invited to rather than being there as my ex's date, hearing about how my ex's neices and nephews were doing rather than playing with them during visits. And it was hard to sit there knowing when the shower was over, I wouldn't see them again.
As we left, I hugged everyone goodbye and told them good luck. I got out to the car and just lost it. It just brought up so many feelings -- wishing I was still part of the group, that I was still with my ex, that everything was still the same. And knowing it wasn't and never would be and I was heading back into the shadows, just a part of their past now, and they were only my past, too.
That combined with the holidays combined with me dating this new guy who is so nice, but just not doing it for me....it just magnifies how wonderful I felt with my ex and how rich I feel my life was, and how different things are now. That even though it seems I am doing well -- new job that was a big step up in every way, in good health/shape and being active, new guy in my life...I still yearn for the life I had before and the dreams I had before. As more and more of my friends settle into their lives of house-husband-kids, I am still renting an apt. with a roommate in an expensive city and while I had thought for sure and dreamed of becoming engaged this year and settling down myself with my ex, I couldn't be further from that happening.
Nothing like the holidays to make you feel like you're missing out and the best has passed you by, huh?
It's been six months since the breakup, and I know I am better than I was before. I started a new job a month back and love it and I've been very busy working out, running, playing sports and have gotten involved in other things, like volunteering and a book club. I've also been dating a nice guy for a couple months and taking it very, very slowly. I don't think it's going to be a long term thing, but it's a distraction and he's a nice guy to spend time with.
Yesterday, I had the "last goodbye" with my ex's mom, whom I was very close with, and some of my old friends from the old group I used to spend a lot of time with and fell out of touch with after the breakup. My ex's mom and I emailed a bit after the breakup -- right after and then a little bit again a month back when I switched jobs and sent out an email with my new contact info. We were all at a mutual friend's baby shower and while it was the first time I was seeing them since the breakup, it would also be the last time I would, since there won't be any more upcoming events we would all be at together. It was an emotional day, that is for sure.
It was nice to see his mom and my old friends, but also a little awkward. Everyone was very careful not to mention his name or talk about him or us. We kept the conversation pretty standard and light, which was okay by me. I almost lost it sitting at the table a few times, just thinking about everything....how normal and nice it felt to be back with that group, talking about people we all knew and catching up with them, like nothing had changed. But everything had. It made me sad to think that I lost all of these people -- my second family, an extended group of friends, when my ex left, and that since he is so very private and basically blocked me out when he left, refusing to dicsuss me or the breakup with mutual friends or family, I feel like he erased me. And everyone is afraid to bring me up or talk about it when he is around, so I got erased by them, too. It made me so sad to hear about how they were and that I hadn't been a part of it...hearing about one girl's wedding I had been invited to rather than being there as my ex's date, hearing about how my ex's neices and nephews were doing rather than playing with them during visits. And it was hard to sit there knowing when the shower was over, I wouldn't see them again.
As we left, I hugged everyone goodbye and told them good luck. I got out to the car and just lost it. It just brought up so many feelings -- wishing I was still part of the group, that I was still with my ex, that everything was still the same. And knowing it wasn't and never would be and I was heading back into the shadows, just a part of their past now, and they were only my past, too.
That combined with the holidays combined with me dating this new guy who is so nice, but just not doing it for me....it just magnifies how wonderful I felt with my ex and how rich I feel my life was, and how different things are now. That even though it seems I am doing well -- new job that was a big step up in every way, in good health/shape and being active, new guy in my life...I still yearn for the life I had before and the dreams I had before. As more and more of my friends settle into their lives of house-husband-kids, I am still renting an apt. with a roommate in an expensive city and while I had thought for sure and dreamed of becoming engaged this year and settling down myself with my ex, I couldn't be further from that happening.
Nothing like the holidays to make you feel like you're missing out and the best has passed you by, huh?

I feel similar pain. I was with my ex for ten months, and came to so enjoy spending time with his tight knit family. My family is full of angst and seriousness and crankiness and his was all spirit and warmth. And oh, the little ones, the nieces and nephews everywhere! All so loving and fun! I love playing with kids, and my family is small and lacking in little ones right now. I ache for them. I had a nightmare the other day that one of the littlest ones forgot my name.
We are still a part of the same community, and I see them now and again....but I no longer belong. Ugh. I'm feeling so sad now. I miss them. What happened to this group I was a part of? I'm out. Gone. The end.
I know that at least some of them would still welcome me to be in touch, but I can't bear to hear about him yet or run into him, so I know I have keep distance between all of us. I miss them I miss them I miss them. Thinking of them brings me such a feeling of sadness.
*hugs*
Claudia
Hi Erin,
Here's your previous posts:
Two years -- Just Broke Up
10 days -- bad day
I feel like I don't know him anymore
21 days -- still a wreck
What he said during breakup that lingers
Concept of unresolved loss
Guilt and Being Caught Off Guard
No Contact = Permanent
Rough Week, Feels Like the First
To move on..."erase" him?
Grieving can be a long process. Sorry you are still going through this.