That final push
Find a Conversation
That final push
| Wed, 07-18-2007 - 7:24am |
I feel like I've hit a brick wall in my moving on- I've come so so far in the 3 months since my ex dumped me, but I really feel like I've hit a dead end. 3 months ago I was devastated, I cried pretty much 24/7 and I couldn't imagine a way forward. Now, from day to day I hardly think about my ex- there are still days where I cry (an old in joke, an advert we used to laugh at, or seeing/doing something that I wish I could share with him or tell him about), but generally I get on with keeping myself busy in work and with friends. The only time when I get really upset now is when I bump into him, and then it feels like a major set back! We both work for the same company, but have pretty opposite hours so I don't really see him very often, but we do meet occasionally, probably once or twice a week. Infact we'll be working together once a week from thursday- he plays in a house band at a holiday camp and I'm a singer, and his band's been scheduled to back one of my weekly sets. Don't know what that'll be like. It's weird, I hardly think about him, but when I see him I miss him like crazy. Last night was a work party which I wasn't expecting him to attend. I'd been there for a couple of hours, having a great time with my friends, when he walked in with his band. Immediately I felt sick, miserable, and spent the whole evening looking over at him laughing with his mates, and I missed him so much. I just wanted to go over and talk to him, but I can't. He didn't say Hi or Bye, and it made me feel so sad that we've got to this stage. I know I'm not ready to be friends with him, but it really frustrates me how I let myself regress when I see him!
It's taken me so long to get this far- it was my first serious relationship, and I just didn't know how to deal with the breakup. At first he said he just wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship anymore, and needed space, which I gave him for 2 weeks, naively expecting things to work out. After 2 weeks I broached the subject of trying again, and he said he hadn't even considered it in the 2 weeks, which crushed me. For the next few weeks or so I was living in limbo, kind of waiting for him to realise what a terrible mistake he'd made, but of course he never did. He was moving on, and happy as a young single guy, fee to go out with his mates, and focus on his career. I'd never heard of NC, and missed him terribly, so I was constantly trying to instigate contact, texting him daily, even though once the high of seeing/hearing from him wore off I felt awful- it majorly set me back. I guess I was trying to hold on to the past, trying to keep doing the same things with him that we did when we were together (meeting him for lunch at 'our' cafe, going to watch band sets at night), but it always hurt because it wasn't the same. My pestering also pushed him further away, but that made my insecurity and anxiety flare up and cling on even harder. Eventually, after he was particularly harsh with me, saying that he had no interest in a close friendship, and "if he'd wanted to be with me, we'd still be together", I had to let go- I'd been trying to hold things together for so long instead of moving on, hurting myself in the process.
Anyway, it feels like I've come so so far, but I can't quite get over that final hill. What's wrong with me?? I know it's my own fault that it's taken 3 months to get to this point, because I didn't really try to let go until maybe 2 months after we split up, but I'm so sick of feeling like this! I have such lovely friends, and I love my job, and I don't want to look back at this year and just remember it for being heartbroken!
I need some encouragement, girls!
Em xxx
It's taken me so long to get this far- it was my first serious relationship, and I just didn't know how to deal with the breakup. At first he said he just wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship anymore, and needed space, which I gave him for 2 weeks, naively expecting things to work out. After 2 weeks I broached the subject of trying again, and he said he hadn't even considered it in the 2 weeks, which crushed me. For the next few weeks or so I was living in limbo, kind of waiting for him to realise what a terrible mistake he'd made, but of course he never did. He was moving on, and happy as a young single guy, fee to go out with his mates, and focus on his career. I'd never heard of NC, and missed him terribly, so I was constantly trying to instigate contact, texting him daily, even though once the high of seeing/hearing from him wore off I felt awful- it majorly set me back. I guess I was trying to hold on to the past, trying to keep doing the same things with him that we did when we were together (meeting him for lunch at 'our' cafe, going to watch band sets at night), but it always hurt because it wasn't the same. My pestering also pushed him further away, but that made my insecurity and anxiety flare up and cling on even harder. Eventually, after he was particularly harsh with me, saying that he had no interest in a close friendship, and "if he'd wanted to be with me, we'd still be together", I had to let go- I'd been trying to hold things together for so long instead of moving on, hurting myself in the process.
Anyway, it feels like I've come so so far, but I can't quite get over that final hill. What's wrong with me?? I know it's my own fault that it's taken 3 months to get to this point, because I didn't really try to let go until maybe 2 months after we split up, but I'm so sick of feeling like this! I have such lovely friends, and I love my job, and I don't want to look back at this year and just remember it for being heartbroken!
I need some encouragement, girls!
Em xxx

I think that what you miss most is the good times and the good parts of your relationship. Surely there were bad points or you woulnd't have broken up, right? I know how it hurts because he seems to be treating your relationship as something that never was very important to him - especially since he didn't give the relationship any consideration during that two weeks. I also think the laughing with his bandmates knowing you were watching was just him trying to act "all cool" like the breakup isn't bothering him (which I'm sure it is, but he refuses to show it).
Since seeing him or being in contact seems to set you back, I would do anything in your power to have NO CONTACT so that you can heal. I understand that there will be times you will have to see him, but maybe if you try no contact for 60 days it won't be as hurtful when you do see him. And also, I don't think you need to be friends with him. You have other friends, other friends that make you feel GOOD about yourself and not miserable! Hang in there and keep reading these boards because they really help us cope!!!!