Finally

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2005
Finally
1
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 10:51am

I guess I'm new to this board, but I'm newly heartbroken...

I've posted this on another message board, but I figured I could come to the break up site. As you'll read in the second post, I violated the NC rule, but if I had not done so, I don't think I would be able to be sitting here right now with the ability to not cry and gather my thoughts and think about other things than the breakup and how much I missed the guy. TIA for reading. This is long because it's technically 2 separate posts, but I wanted to put it all in one.

So, finally, last night (Jan.4) after a year and a half of anguish and despair, I pulled the plug on my relationship which has been on and off for the last 8 years or so.

I'm sure you're wondering why I stayed for so long...It was comfortable, I was always hoping for a change, and mostly, I'm stubborn. Our relationship wasn't horrible all the time. The first 3-4 years were really great. Then as the time wore on and we got older and changed, our relationship did too. There were plenty of good times, but they weren't comparible to all the times that were bad. It seemed like we would get things smoothed over, than the next day or next couple days, it was the same problem again. Nothing ever got "fixed". Just swept under the rug. It has been like this for the last year and a half. It had gotten to be too much.

I've been on nothing but an emotional roller coaster for as long as I can remember. I'm sad to leave him, I really am, but right now, it's just not working. I'm 21 and still in school, he's 23 and working full time, still living at home. We've dated other people, and he's sure that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me (of course he would, I'm the only thing he's know for the last 4 years), but, I can't. Not now. I want to do so many more things before I settle down. And I think I'm changing right now. We both have a lot of growing to do before either of us settles down with anyone. I made it known to him that God may cross our paths again, and it may work out. I honestly feel like we already have been married for the last 3 years. And it hasn't been well.

The hardest thing I think is going to be the fact that we work at the same place. Not in the same department, and I only work part time, so we won't see each other that often, but even still. The habits we have created from working there together...it's gonna be hard for a while.

The break was pretty clean. No harsh words, no hostile emotions. Of course I cried. And cried. And cried. We left on good terms. I know I broke his heart, and I too am heart broken, but he knew it was coming sometime, just a matter of when. I don't think he expected it to be so soon. I don't think I did either, but I was finally ready. And if I didn't get out then, I don't know when I would have. Probably another time when we would have blown up at each other. I think he and I both agree that this is best for us right now, we were going no where fast on a path of destruction.

I'll miss him. I really will. A part of me will always love him. But, I'm looking forward to finding myself, making new friends, and being able to do what I want to, nothing holding me back.

********************************************************
Tuesday, Jan. 10 Post #2
Since the last time I posted, things have gotten better and worse. The relief of the situation wore off on Sunday night. The only thing I could think about was C and our breakup and how much denial I was in, and how I could have done things better, etc. I cried and cried. I guess the whole reality of it was starting to set in.

I talked to my friend Andy when I got off work and told him some things that I thought I was feeling. (That I wanted to get back together with C someday, and that we would be great, etc.) Andy got kind of mad at me because he's been here through the whole relationship, it's exacerbations, the triumphs, you name it, he's been there. I've been telling him for the last 2 years how miserable it's been and how miserable I've been. And then I was sinking into denial. He told me that I needed to go back and read my blog. I didn't have the time to do it sunday night...I called one of C and I's coworkers. He talks to her a lot, and her and I used to be decent friends...then things went down last year, and that's a-whole-nother story. Anyway, I wanted to know how he was feeling and if he was doing ok. We (me and our coworker) talked for awhile, and I didn't get out of the conversation what I wanted (I thought she would tell me more). So I sat there on my bed, hugging my pillows, bawling, until I finally decided to go to sleep.

I woke up Monday morning probably an hour before I had to get up. All I could think of was what was racing through my mind the night before. I just wanted to cry and it was 530 in the dang morning! I tried to go back to sleep. Didn't work. So I said a prayer, asking for the strength and courage to get through this time.
School was at 8, so I got up and got ready for that. I couldn't concentrate on lecture. At all. I could have cried the whole time through. I was having doubts about the whole nursing thing, as I had last semester. I decided that it would be best for me right now to drop class for a semester or two, or however long it takes for me to figure out what I want to do. I cried during our whole lunch break. About an hour. I called M to talk to him about everything, my feelings, dropping class decision...And that I had succumbed and called C. I didn't get C on the phone though. Only his voicemail. And it was my voice I was leaving a message to, as I prerecorded his message for his answering system.
I had to get back in for class, so I tried to get myself together.

After I got out of class, I sat and talked with a friend for about an hour and a half. Then decided that I would try to call C again. I needed to talk him. And so we had a 45 minute conversation. I bawled and bawled. During this conversation, he told me that he wanted the time away (as do I) and that he does miss me and still thinks aboutus and the break up alot. Also, that if opportunities presented themself with other women, he was going to take them. That set in the reality that he's not sitting at home wallowing in his sorrow like I sort of have been. To hear him say that made me realize that I can too, and that I should. I know it will take time. Honestly, I think our conversation was the closure I needed to get on with things. It made me feel a lot better. And I can gather my thoughts this morning. :) (When we broke up, I told him that I wanted 3 months of no contact. Yes, I did violate the rule. But after our conversation, I'm ok with it now. I'm sort of counting down the days til we can talk again, but in the same sense I'm not.)

So I went back and read my blog last night (Jan 9). It's all there. The way that I felt when C was around, how much I wanted him gone, and how miserable I was. I know that I did make the right decision, and that there are plenty more guys out there.

Hopefully the sobbing is over. I'm looking forward to better days! (BTW, today has been a lot better. No crying! :) yay!) I know it will get easier. I just have to live for today and take it one day at a time.

Amanda




Edited 1/11/2006 11:02 am ET by sweet_at_heart
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
In reply to: sweet_at_heart
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 3:37pm

Hi,

I read your post and am really glad for you. I know that you will have ups and downs and will be on an emotional roller coaster for a while but i think you should reread you own posts in the down times.

As for breaking NC, I too did the same and I am of a firm belief that you should do what works best for you. Yes, there is a rule of NC as that is what will ultimately work, but sometimes it takes a few false starts to get us there.

I hope this time, you can truly maintain NC.

Ash