Finally accepted it with this letter
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| Sun, 08-26-2007 - 7:10am |
I tried to talk to my ex friday nite after we bumped into each other after 2 months of no contact and came to the harsh realization that I had to let go for the sake of her sanity.
After talking for 4 hours Friday and most of the day Saturday after her grandmother past away Saturday morning, we discovered a more serious problem in our relationship that was killing it which was her self sabotaging and snooping. She is trying to help herself and I realized even though I wanted to help her, I couldnt solve this problem. So I want to share with the board this letter I wrote to show that we can get over this hurt and maybe someday things will work out for all of us.
My Dearest Jessica,
This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do so please take the time to read this and I hope that you will save it and read it from time to time and return it to me one day if we ever get back together down the road.
After talking to you last and hanging up the phone I sat and thought about everything you said and finally realized that you were right. I cried for a very long time and was very much undecided if I should write this letter, but I knew I had to. I realized that listening to you on the phone made me feel very sad not because of what you said but in the frantic way you were saying it. It was like a person who was on the brink of being very emotionally troubled and it hurt me to see you like that. I want you so much and you will never know how much that I really do love and care for you and wanted to be the man in your life for ever but I see that at this time that isn’t possible. I hope you find the reasons that make you stop being the wonderful and whole person that you truly are and once and for all cure the haunts of your past. I leave you now with this thought, I really do love you and I am so sorry that I could not help you through this dark spot in your life but I know that you will do it, I understand what this has done to both of us and I hope that someday we will be together again and be the couple that we were meant to be. One day when you feel that you are strong enough to want to try again, if that is what you want, I would love to be with you and take care of you forever. I hope that one day , I will find a letter such as this one waiting for me, to come back to the one I truly love, I know now how much I do love you because I can’t be with you, but I can show my love by letting you go so you may find peace with yourself. I did take something away from all of this and it’s that I finally realize at this time in my life what it means to truly love somebody because I can give them up and not be selfish.
Remember miracles happen and I will always be here for you any time you need me, I am your best friend as well. I hope that one day by doing the right thing it will come back to me, in the form of you, saying I did it right.
I love you with everything I have in me,
Love, Don

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Don
Because more than once, you sweetly refer to her as emotionally troubled either directly or by inference, you say you hope someday she finds a "cure" for what she does, and it all seems, even for it's tender words, etc., to have a bit of a condescending or even pitying undertone.
People self-sabotage on a regular basis, and it's not a disease or illness, it's bad behavior. It's naivete in relationships, it's low self-esteem which most people have but these folks cannot or will not control, and ultimately, it's a really good go-to excuse when you don't want to work on your relationships. It's easier to succumb to low self-esteem and let it mess up your world than actually DO something about it. In the meantime, everyone and everything else gets the blame.
Basically, emotional letters like this always seem like a really good idea when you're writing them, but I have yet to see a single one do 1. any good, 2. produce the outcome the writer secretly hopes for, 3. seem like anything other than a really bad idea *as soon as* it leaves your hands and gets into mailbox.
I'm saying I've seen the outcome of many of these letters over the time I've been on ths board and giving you input based on that. So all I'm suggesting is that you sit on it for a couple of days, you may change your mind about how "good" an idea this seems after your head is clear. That's all.
Thank you , I didnt intend for you to get angry, just wanted an explanation, sorry if you took what I said wrong.
from cl-sandradee
I'm saying I've seen the outcome of many of these letters over the time I've been on ths board and giving you input based on that. So all I'm suggesting is that you sit on it for a couple of days, you may change your mind about how "good" an idea this seems after your head is clear. That's all.
Seems like you were defending your response by saying you have seen it all.
Don
Edited 8/26/2007 12:40 pm ET by topgun923
It's odd that you would think I'd get angry at something like this.
Anyway, I kind of am saying I've seen quite a bit on this board. That's a hazard of the "job." Everyone always thinks their situation must be different, but it's truthfully never all that different; people are people, just like the song.
I've seen the outcome of this kind of letter, time and time again. You asked for input and instead of giving you a "gut feeling" I was backing up my words with experience. If you feel the need to send your letter, go ahead. Always do what's best for you.
Don,
Sandra's not angry (and neither am I, just for the record), nor is she defending herself. She's telling you what is true and you don't want to hear it. That's ok. It's your ego (not the bad part of ego, k?) but rather, you want your letter to be different, to make a difference, etc.
I just went through this with my ex and wish I hadn't. I sent him a heartfelt card with a nice gift. Not only did it not make a difference, he didn't have the courtesy or respect to call and say thank you. Much less even acknowledge that he received them.
Now after 2 months of N/C, I feel humiliated and angry with myself for not holding my head high and walking away.
I know I must sound very naive, but people with problems are people to and if we just push them aside and move on the world will be filled with all of these types of people.
I am sorry for sounding so defensive , I guess I am just that way. I do listen to your advice , it has helped me in the past, so please dont think that I dont.
Don
Don
Sorry, this is brief, not curt. 8 am flight tomorrow.
Speaking as someone who was a self-sabatoger at some point, I'd probrably like you less after I received that letter. 1. It comes across as condescending. Perhaps you didn't mean it to come out so, but as someone who used to constantly looking for 'faults', I don't think my first response is to think how "big" of you. I'd think anything BUT. I'd think you had a girl on the side, you didn't love me, etc. You mentioned being my best friend - does that mean you find someone else more sexually attractive? It would make me crazy analyzing the 8 million things I could gleam from that letter. Don't do this to her.
ALL problems require a measure of self-dealing. INCLUDING therapy. People go in and out of therapy, but a big chunk of it depends on whether or not they're open to the idea. ie. My father is NEVER going to benefit from marriage counselling because in his mind, HE'S ALWAYS RIGHT no matter what anyone tries to tell him. In the same way, your ex is not going to change unless she makes up her mind to even if you write 100 of these letters. You're not holding a magical cure-all. It's not PUSHING them aside, it's realizing that you can only help them so far, in that you can't drag them out of the hole they're in if they don't want to. And chances are they usually don't pull themselves out until you walk away and they get desperate.
Lastly, I GOT one of these letters around 7 years back and it made me MORE resentful and MORE deadset on the idea that I was this poor victim in a big bad world afflicted with people who wouldn't take the time to pity me because I had this affliction. Dear god, I was pathetic. My point is, don't justify her behaviour. As long as she has one sympathetic post to lean on, she's never going to get the guts to change.
=='' and now folks, I am off to bed. Get to deal with the ex beginning tomorrow after a 2 month hiatus. sighs
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