Finally accepted it with this letter

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
Finally accepted it with this letter
13
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 7:10am

I tried to talk to my ex friday nite after we bumped into each other after 2 months of no contact and came to the harsh realization that I had to let go for the sake of her sanity.
After talking for 4 hours Friday and most of the day Saturday after her grandmother past away Saturday morning, we discovered a more serious problem in our relationship that was killing it which was her self sabotaging and snooping. She is trying to help herself and I realized even though I wanted to help her, I couldnt solve this problem. So I want to share with the board this letter I wrote to show that we can get over this hurt and maybe someday things will work out for all of us.

My Dearest Jessica,
This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do so please take the time to read this and I hope that you will save it and read it from time to time and return it to me one day if we ever get back together down the road.
After talking to you last and hanging up the phone I sat and thought about everything you said and finally realized that you were right. I cried for a very long time and was very much undecided if I should write this letter, but I knew I had to. I realized that listening to you on the phone made me feel very sad not because of what you said but in the frantic way you were saying it. It was like a person who was on the brink of being very emotionally troubled and it hurt me to see you like that. I want you so much and you will never know how much that I really do love and care for you and wanted to be the man in your life for ever but I see that at this time that isn’t possible. I hope you find the reasons that make you stop being the wonderful and whole person that you truly are and once and for all cure the haunts of your past. I leave you now with this thought, I really do love you and I am so sorry that I could not help you through this dark spot in your life but I know that you will do it, I understand what this has done to both of us and I hope that someday we will be together again and be the couple that we were meant to be. One day when you feel that you are strong enough to want to try again, if that is what you want, I would love to be with you and take care of you forever. I hope that one day , I will find a letter such as this one waiting for me, to come back to the one I truly love, I know now how much I do love you because I can’t be with you, but I can show my love by letting you go so you may find peace with yourself. I did take something away from all of this and it’s that I finally realize at this time in my life what it means to truly love somebody because I can give them up and not be selfish.
Remember miracles happen and I will always be here for you any time you need me, I am your best friend as well. I hope that one day by doing the right thing it will come back to me, in the form of you, saying I did it right.
I love you with everything I have in me,
Love, Don

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 11:39am
I'm going to sincerely suggest you sit on that letter for a few days before you think of sending it to her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 11:49am
reasons being what? I dont understand.
Don
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 12:11pm

Because more than once, you sweetly refer to her as emotionally troubled either directly or by inference, you say you hope someday she finds a "cure" for what she does, and it all seems, even for it's tender words, etc., to have a bit of a condescending or even pitying undertone.

People self-sabotage on a regular basis, and it's not a disease or illness, it's bad behavior. It's naivete in relationships, it's low self-esteem which most people have but these folks cannot or will not control, and ultimately, it's a really good go-to excuse when you don't want to work on your relationships. It's easier to succumb to low self-esteem and let it mess up your world than actually DO something about it. In the meantime, everyone and everything else gets the blame.

Basically, emotional letters like this always seem like a really good idea when you're writing them, but I have yet to see a single one do 1. any good, 2. produce the outcome the writer secretly hopes for, 3. seem like anything other than a really bad idea *as soon as* it leaves your hands and gets into mailbox.

I'm saying I've seen the outcome of many of these letters over the time I've been on ths board and giving you input based on that. So all I'm suggesting is that you sit on it for a couple of days, you may change your mind about how "good" an idea this seems after your head is clear. That's all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 12:34pm

Thank you , I didnt intend for you to get angry, just wanted an explanation, sorry if you took what I said wrong.

from cl-sandradee
I'm saying I've seen the outcome of many of these letters over the time I've been on ths board and giving you input based on that. So all I'm suggesting is that you sit on it for a couple of days, you may change your mind about how "good" an idea this seems after your head is clear. That's all.

Seems like you were defending your response by saying you have seen it all.
Don




Edited 8/26/2007 12:40 pm ET by topgun923
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 12:43pm

It's odd that you would think I'd get angry at something like this.

Anyway, I kind of am saying I've seen quite a bit on this board. That's a hazard of the "job." Everyone always thinks their situation must be different, but it's truthfully never all that different; people are people, just like the song.

I've seen the outcome of this kind of letter, time and time again. You asked for input and instead of giving you a "gut feeling" I was backing up my words with experience. If you feel the need to send your letter, go ahead. Always do what's best for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 2:23pm

Don,


Sandra's not angry (and neither am I, just for the record), nor is she defending herself. She's telling you what is true and you don't want to hear it. That's ok. It's your ego (not the bad part of ego, k?) but rather, you want your letter to be different, to make a difference, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 3:35pm
From the bottom of my heart, please reconsider sending the letter.
I just went through this with my ex and wish I hadn't. I sent him a heartfelt card with a nice gift. Not only did it not make a difference, he didn't have the courtesy or respect to call and say thank you. Much less even acknowledge that he received them.
Now after 2 months of N/C, I feel humiliated and angry with myself for not holding my head high and walking away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 4:07pm
I am truly sorry for taking things the wrong way, i know you are right in what you say. I am not defending myself for writing this letter, only saying these are the words that I felt at the time. I used the word cure only because when we had our conversation she stated that she had been in therapy since she was 13 and had also seen a shrink about past problems. I know that her snooping and insecurites and other behaviors are her own doing and I know she must cure these on her own. An example she gave me is that when I would buy her roses instead of thinking how nice, her mind thinks different and says what did he do now. So I am trying to understand that. I figured instead of just being a cold hearted person like some of these other people I would cut her loose even though I love her , which I think takes a bigger person to do that. Hope , yes I have hope and you are right it probably will never happen but I also know this and what the consequences could be, but someone has to show that they understand and try to be there even if its from afar, instead of everyone just saying move on. I know you are right in what you say and I will probably be in for a big let down, but if I am suppose to be her best friend which I am trying to be by letting her go, I want to show her that at least 1 person in her life is standing behind her even though I know what will happen.
I know I must sound very naive, but people with problems are people to and if we just push them aside and move on the world will be filled with all of these types of people.
I am sorry for sounding so defensive , I guess I am just that way. I do listen to your advice , it has helped me in the past, so please dont think that I dont.
Don
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 5:49pm
Yes it does make a difference I think because you are the bigger person , that is how I look at it in a positive light and if the other person doesnt respond , then that just shows they have no balls to show how they really feel even if they feel something negative, so you did what you thought was right by showing how you really feel, that shouldnt make you feel bad in my eyes. I dont feel bad when I show my feelings in knowing that I did the right thing as being the better person. If that makes sense.
Don
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 12:56am

Sorry, this is brief, not curt. 8 am flight tomorrow.

Speaking as someone who was a self-sabatoger at some point, I'd probrably like you less after I received that letter. 1. It comes across as condescending. Perhaps you didn't mean it to come out so, but as someone who used to constantly looking for 'faults', I don't think my first response is to think how "big" of you. I'd think anything BUT. I'd think you had a girl on the side, you didn't love me, etc. You mentioned being my best friend - does that mean you find someone else more sexually attractive? It would make me crazy analyzing the 8 million things I could gleam from that letter. Don't do this to her.

ALL problems require a measure of self-dealing. INCLUDING therapy. People go in and out of therapy, but a big chunk of it depends on whether or not they're open to the idea. ie. My father is NEVER going to benefit from marriage counselling because in his mind, HE'S ALWAYS RIGHT no matter what anyone tries to tell him. In the same way, your ex is not going to change unless she makes up her mind to even if you write 100 of these letters. You're not holding a magical cure-all. It's not PUSHING them aside, it's realizing that you can only help them so far, in that you can't drag them out of the hole they're in if they don't want to. And chances are they usually don't pull themselves out until you walk away and they get desperate.

Lastly, I GOT one of these letters around 7 years back and it made me MORE resentful and MORE deadset on the idea that I was this poor victim in a big bad world afflicted with people who wouldn't take the time to pity me because I had this affliction. Dear god, I was pathetic. My point is, don't justify her behaviour. As long as she has one sympathetic post to lean on, she's never going to get the guts to change.

=='' and now folks, I am off to bed. Get to deal with the ex beginning tomorrow after a 2 month hiatus. sighs

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your

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