Finally accepted it with this letter
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| Sun, 08-26-2007 - 7:10am |
I tried to talk to my ex friday nite after we bumped into each other after 2 months of no contact and came to the harsh realization that I had to let go for the sake of her sanity.
After talking for 4 hours Friday and most of the day Saturday after her grandmother past away Saturday morning, we discovered a more serious problem in our relationship that was killing it which was her self sabotaging and snooping. She is trying to help herself and I realized even though I wanted to help her, I couldnt solve this problem. So I want to share with the board this letter I wrote to show that we can get over this hurt and maybe someday things will work out for all of us.
My Dearest Jessica,
This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do so please take the time to read this and I hope that you will save it and read it from time to time and return it to me one day if we ever get back together down the road.
After talking to you last and hanging up the phone I sat and thought about everything you said and finally realized that you were right. I cried for a very long time and was very much undecided if I should write this letter, but I knew I had to. I realized that listening to you on the phone made me feel very sad not because of what you said but in the frantic way you were saying it. It was like a person who was on the brink of being very emotionally troubled and it hurt me to see you like that. I want you so much and you will never know how much that I really do love and care for you and wanted to be the man in your life for ever but I see that at this time that isn’t possible. I hope you find the reasons that make you stop being the wonderful and whole person that you truly are and once and for all cure the haunts of your past. I leave you now with this thought, I really do love you and I am so sorry that I could not help you through this dark spot in your life but I know that you will do it, I understand what this has done to both of us and I hope that someday we will be together again and be the couple that we were meant to be. One day when you feel that you are strong enough to want to try again, if that is what you want, I would love to be with you and take care of you forever. I hope that one day , I will find a letter such as this one waiting for me, to come back to the one I truly love, I know now how much I do love you because I can’t be with you, but I can show my love by letting you go so you may find peace with yourself. I did take something away from all of this and it’s that I finally realize at this time in my life what it means to truly love somebody because I can give them up and not be selfish.
Remember miracles happen and I will always be here for you any time you need me, I am your best friend as well. I hope that one day by doing the right thing it will come back to me, in the form of you, saying I did it right.
I love you with everything I have in me,
Love, Don

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Don
Why I went and fixed it? Honestly I don't know. I think it was very much as if I woke up one day and couldn't live like this anymore. I was sabatoging my relationships, my friendships, relationships with my family. You name it, I screwed it up. If you pinpoint it down to one single incident that incited it, I'd say I probably started working on it after I screwed things up with my second bf AND the 20 or so friends in my group ALL AT THE SAME TIME. *implosion*. I took the summer off from summer school, saw my pastor regularly, joined the church youth group, read some self-help books, and started September with a new set of friends that I've finally managed to retain for more than a year.
Anyways, the path isn't important. It's attitude adjustment. If you're set on changing it, some of it is just voluntary behaviour modification. Like holding your tongue, changing your thoughts, building self-esteem. All indirect ways to eliminating that feeling of dread that things are screwing up. No amount of letters, self-help books, and therapy will do anything. It's a lot like ... if you will..losing weight. Nobody can FORCE you to do it. They can make you eat veggies, stick you on a machine for 8 hours a day etc, but they can't stop you from sneaking snacks from the fridge, slacking on the treadmill, etc. It requires a (sometimes) drastic lifestyle change with slow results, not a temporary eat healthy diet. In the same way, if she or you are expecting a magic fix the moment she decides to work on it, you're both sadly mistaken. Changing one's personality is one of the HARDEST things anyone will ever have to do. She has to WANT it - BADLY. Only then will your support mean anything. And sadly, often that comes when she really thinks she has no other way to go. You can support her in her self-journey, encourage her to stay on track when she feels weak, but you can't make her do it. Do you understand what I mean? And right now she sounds like she wants your pity, not your help.
Susanna
I understand you totally , I know it has to be her thing and obviously it could take forever and never even happen. I dont care if she doesnt want my help when I offer it, its just that I know in my heart that I tried to do the right thing. And I dont think that there is any thing wrong with that, if the person has what ever problems and they cant appreciate or see that you are trying to help, then so be it, and I will have to deal with that by saying goodbye. I am also not allowing her to be blamed totally , I did my share but I just wanted a little insight as to what I was dealing with because I never met a person like that.
Don
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