finally broken up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
finally broken up.
17
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 8:29am
After dating a year, my boyfriend and I broke up. We had a very tumultous relationship, we would fight so often, but there was always this intense love there. We became best friends. I talk to him every day when I wake up and when I go to bed. I love him and have never met anyone like him, ever. He is such a good guy most of the time. The problem is that we fight so much and I don't enjoy always being mad or having someone mad at me. So, I told him that we shouldn't talk everyday because I feel like I've become too dependent on him and we always end up getting back together. He's become my sanity most days. So now. I'm devastated. I've lost both my boyfriend and my best friend in the world. It's so hard not to call him. I look at my phone and that's all I want to do. Today is the first day that I'm trying to move on- to not call him. And it's just so hard. I feel like i'm drowning and have nothing to hold on to. And i worry that i made the wrong decision and that if I do like so much of who he is, I should just continue to give it a try. He's really upset with my decision as well. So, did I make a big mistake? If not, how do i stop needing him? How do i stop calling him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 9:15am

Hey there! Firstly, YOU HAVENT MADE A MISTAKE! I dont believe for one second that any couple can become best friends straight from a relationship. There NEEDS to be a cooling off period so you can both think about whats going on. I think by not contacting him you're showing him how strong you are, and that you're not dependent on him. He'll soon respect you for that, and your absence will make him realise what he's lost and he may propose getting back together. I think its so important to have no contact... trust me, its for the best. I know its really hard because im going through the same thing. All u wanna do is phone them! You sit there hoping they'll phone you etc. But realistically.. what good is it going to do by phoning them all the time? It wont make anything change or it wont make him feel any different... but what will is giving him space.

Remember, happiness is within yourself... u dont need a man to make u happy. Go out and do things, take up a new hobby. When u get the urge to phone him, ring a friend or a family member instead. When times get hard just remember: If you love some1 let them go... if they come back they're yours. You need to experience being completely seperate before knowing what you both really want.

I know its reeally really hard but it IS for the best. Hang in there :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 11:41am

thanks :)

that makes me feel better. I guess I just have to learn to adjust. Good luck to you too :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 2:12pm

Get the book "Love Tactics: How to win the one you want".

The title of the book, to many here, may make it see like a read that is "not healthy" as one should not be obsessing about it recovering a realtionship that is over. Enter real life... it is new and it hurts a lot. But I will tell you that this book is so much more. Its about making yourself a better person and teaches a lot of about human psycology.

There is a section on "how to win them back". Not contacting him for a while is a huge part. When I started reading this (my break up, which sounds *a lot* like yours, became final 11 days ago and I have not made one peep) I learned how to lay out my tactic -no contact for a while, and how to fix things that I was doing wrong. It has made me gradually feel better. With each passing day of no contact, I feel like I am doing something positive toward our love. Just recently have I realized that I was making mistakes that will carry over to new realtionships. I don't want a new one realtionship, I want him, but the thought of it not being him is starting to NOT make me want to barf.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 9:34am

I thank you for this post. My bf broke up with me 4 days ago and it seems like a lifetime. I moved to his neighboorhood to be closer to him...and now I have to walk past his house AND his job everyday, which is killing me. I want to run over to his house (which is ONE BLOCK from me) and beg him not to go, to stay...But after I read this, it made me feel better. I hope he comes back, he s my best friend and my soulmate. One day at a time. one foot in front of the other.

thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 9:58am

You are welcome

I ALMOST did that. I originally lived a block away from where we moved in together. When I left I moved across town but wanted to come back for two reasons. 1. because I miss my neightborhood (where I am now sticks). 2. To be closer to him.

He was none too pleased when he heard and I guess he was right. It would be really hard to walk by and have it not bother me.

One day at a time. I emotionally got it together somewhat on saturday for the first time (11 days of NC) and wouldn't you know it, he called my phone this morning and let it ring once. I was sooo not expecting that. Now I'm a basket of nerves, wondering what that was all about. What I will NOT do is call him back. I have learned to let him chase me. Let him wonder why I'm so silent while maintaining (or earning back) my dignity.

It is sooooooo hard but I feel so good when I can X through the day on the calandar. You will too since you are really "doing" somehting~ nothing. It will help your situation and your emational state.

Hang in there!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 10:11am

to put all decorum aside....

WHY? I really dont get it?? We have been through rougher spots than this one.. how is it that THIS ONE was the one that made him decide that he didnt want us anymore? Im soo confused and lost. I actually saw him leaving my building with all his stuff the other day.. and it broke me. His friends say that he is an idiot for letting me go, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him...but he doesnt seem to want to talk to me AT ALL..it went from loving relationship to " I'm packing my stuff" in less than 25 mins. HOW HOW HOW????

ugh.. I am soo trying to be strong here.. but I cant get pass this?

sorry for the rant... im just soo lost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 10:23am

I went thru the SAME THING. I wanted answers, he didn't want to give them to me. I pursued, it pissed him off. If I could go back to the day I moved out and change anything, it would be all my contact of him. I regret it. I made it worse.

Let him sort this out in his head. He knows he has not given you closure yet, let him come around to it. This is the hardest thing you will ever have to emotionally endure but be strong. Make him wonder why you are taking it so well. Allow yourself to heal a bit (that's not an easy one either). But hang in there. He WILL contact you when he's ready. If you do it before he's ready, it will not help anything. Not even a little text message. Nothing. See if you can give it two weeks. Post on here if you feel the urge and recruit your friends to stop you.

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 11:23am

It IS funny how all these guys' friends seem to know how stupid they are to give us up and how we are the best thing that ever happened to them, but for some reason these guys are intent on shooting themselves in the foot. They cannot step up to the plate. Their friends can see they have a good opportunity for life with a good woman, but they cannot handle it. I guess what we ladies have to accept is that what matters ultimately is what our BF's think and what they are capable of. I am learning you can't make someone love you.

I am not sure of the dynamics of what is going on with all these guys, but it seems like we have a couple generations of guys who cannot DO relationships. Whether it's the Women's Lib revolution of the '60s or what, I am not sure, but it seems to be an epidemic of commitmentphobes and relationship-phobes.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 11:54am

This is JMO, but I thought that book was TERRIBLE.

Thank *goodness* I borrowed it from a friend (whose judgment I really had to question after that!!!)...I would have been really upset if I'd actually spent money to buy it.

Please, DO NOT fall into the trap of thinking that just because YOU want to fix things, he does too. I think the author of that book should be tarred and feathered for giving people who are hurting and desparate false hope.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 12:57pm

My god, if I haven't had the same conversation/theory with one of my friends like you just said, memphisstars.... we've come to learn that you start getting "too close" to a guy and they "phobe out" (our terms). It's like everything's cool on their terms, but then something triggers panic in them, and you're out the door.

We've said the same thing, that maybe the women's lib movement made things worse (I don't really agree 100% with that, just speculating). That is taught us to be so independent that you deny you really need someone... but that doesn't explain their behavior. It seems like guys find girls (nowadays) so disposable, so easy to "trade up" that we just become one in the line of others in their world. At least sometimes I think that. Why they are so afraid is beyond me. Maybe because they get away with too much and we forgive them (my guy friend tells me that, "y'all too forgiving!")

Just rambling, but you struck a chord with me when I read that.

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