finally broken up.
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finally broken up.
| Sun, 03-19-2006 - 8:29am |
After dating a year, my boyfriend and I broke up. We had a very tumultous relationship, we would fight so often, but there was always this intense love there. We became best friends. I talk to him every day when I wake up and when I go to bed. I love him and have never met anyone like him, ever. He is such a good guy most of the time. The problem is that we fight so much and I don't enjoy always being mad or having someone mad at me. So, I told him that we shouldn't talk everyday because I feel like I've become too dependent on him and we always end up getting back together. He's become my sanity most days. So now. I'm devastated. I've lost both my boyfriend and my best friend in the world. It's so hard not to call him. I look at my phone and that's all I want to do. Today is the first day that I'm trying to move on- to not call him. And it's just so hard. I feel like i'm drowning and have nothing to hold on to. And i worry that i made the wrong decision and that if I do like so much of who he is, I should just continue to give it a try. He's really upset with my decision as well. So, did I make a big mistake? If not, how do i stop needing him? How do i stop calling him?

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It's possible part of it comes from this generation being exposed so heavily to divorce. But I think most of the people who were born in the 60s and up suffer from commitment phobia to a certain degree. We have so many options available to us, from jobs to relationships to what flavor of toothpaste we use. You fear committing to a decision because it's possible that something better is out there and you'll find it, if only you wait just a little longer. If you make a "commitment" (i.e., choice), you're giving up all the other options. You're saying, "This is all I'm ever going to be able to have." The reason a lot of us never see our commitment phobia in relationships is we aren't given a chance. The other person freaks out or puts distance in before we are able to. Chances are, if that person gave you everything you wanted all the time, you'd start feeling a little claustrophobic at some point too... Trust me -- as someone who's been married and seen it happened -- it all gets really old once that newness wears off. His cute little habits aren't so cute when they're ALL YOU GET, ALL THE TIME.
I can say this -- the women I know who never have to deal with commitment phobics are the ones who aren't all that into most of the ones they meet. They're indecisive or they get hung up on one man who doesn't want them and end up with a string of other men hanging on to their every word. "He's Just Not That Into You" claims there's no such thing as a commitment phobic man. The author says that if a man can't commit, it's because he's not sure you're the one and when he does find the woman he's sure about, he'll commit. Yeah, that from a man who finally found the love of his life after years of commitment phobia -- but if you read between the lines, it sounds like she kept him at bay for just long enough that he didn't really have time to think about his commitment phobia. Unfortunately, you can't fake that. Most of the women I know who try to string men along, playing games and such, it ends up backfiring on. You have to set your boundaries and stick with them and really question what YOU want in a relationship. It's likely that it won't be a man who talks about marriage and love right away...
Steph
I'm motivated to do that anyway, without having false hope that it's going to bring my ex back.
I think that's a pretty standard part of the recovery process for most people. And IMO it's much more effective if the desire to change comes truly from within, not from a misguided effort to get your ex back.
Sheri
Well, I can tell you I am going to be a heck of a lot less forgiving next time. I have been burned so badly that I almost don't care if I have another relationship, and I will walk away a whole lot quicker.
I find myself with my friends-with-benefits partner now trying to reassure him that I will not try to control him or make him more than FWB, just so he won't get spooked and run away. And at the same time, I am going to speak up at the first sign of poor behavior, and if it is not corrected, then I am gone. I have learned my lesson about being disrespected for years because I got my heart involved too quickly and overlooked some bad behavior for too long.
I understand what you are saying completely- I should've noticed the red flags early on and paid attention to them. I think we try and rationalize these instances and then (at least me) we tend to get ourselves so far down the relationship line, that by the time the breakup occurs, it's total devastation. If we nipped their poor behavior from the start, these jokers wouldn't get away with 1/2 the crap they do. Or at least we could recognize phobic behavior and make a decision then and there (vs. 3 yrs down the road when you're more emotionally invested).
But I think as women we give the benefit of the doubt more often and sometimes it ends up backfiring on us.
I think you make a good point about our generation having so many choices that we hate to settle on just one thing or person. And we are so mobile today, too, that we can leave a person and a place and just move to another city and have a whole other dating circle and potential mates. And we are the have-it-all generation.
I do believe there are commitmentphobes. I just cannot imagine that out of all the women my Ex dated in his whole life ~ he is 49 ~ that he could not find an acceptable mate. I think he is a classic commitmentphobe who comes on very intense at first and then loses interest. I could have called his bluff any one of the several times he proposed
and taken him willingly to the altar. But in my heart I knew that that would not have cured him. Even commitmentphobes get married, but they don't stay that way. My Ex had had a one-year marriage to a woman he married only because in his own words, he was ready to get married. He met her on the internet and married her within three weeks after moving her here from out of state. Bizarre, I know.
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