Finally can post about breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Finally can post about breakup
7
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 11:33am

Hello everyone, I'll come right to it, I'm looking for a little bit of support and insight, suggestions right now.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 12:02pm

Hi, I just wanted to give you a big cyber hug...I know what you're going through, having been involved with several c'phobes myself.

I know it sounds like such a cliche, but it WILL get better. Unfortunately there's no fast-forward button you can push to get through the process faster. But it sounds like you're doing everything possible to make the process the shortest it can possibly be.

Hang in there...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 12:53pm
I know the rug being pulled out from under you feeling. Everything seemed to be going great and then BOOM! It kinda scares you because I wonder what how can things ever really be 'right' if this can happen when nothings wrong?
I think I really need to read this book as well...seems like I can be a closet commitphobe as well..havent read the book yet but it would seem as if 2 c-phobes would be good together! Guess women are different....it doesnt make it easier or hurt any less. I feel that I have been taking positive baby steps as well, I recognized some things in myself to work on during our relationship and now I feel as if this is the major part of me healing and taking care of myself...good luck to you and we're all here for you...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 9:16pm

Hi. I know how you feel. I'm in the same boat, kind of. I just broke up with a c'phobe too this past weekend for about the 10th time! We've only been together about 9 mths, and broke up that many times! I didn't realize he had commitment issues until about March of this year. I read the book "men who can't love" and it was truly a lightbulb moment! I couldn't figure out what was wrong with our relationship, why it was such a roller coaster, etc....Our relationship was on every page of that book, with the exception of him cheating on me, so I thought. Our last break up was because I found out he was cheating on me! I have never been so conflicted about anyone in my life. I love him, but I can't be with him now - after this. Other than this issue - and it's a big one - he's everything I ever wanted, and I'm 39 years old, he's 41. My heart wants to be with him so bad, but I know I could never be happy with him - I could never trust him now.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. Being in a relationship with a c'phobe is definitely an experience like no other, and very painful. You just can't make sense of it and it seems so unfair. Hang in there.

~d

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 11:07pm

Thanks Sheri,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 11:30pm

....."It kinda scares you because I wonder what how can things ever really be 'right' if this can happen when nothings wrong?"..... So right!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 11:43pm

Thanks for your words of comfort,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 12:02am

Sandra,

I would first like to say that I love reading your posts - you just have a way of perfectly verbalizing everything I am feeling. Of course, I wish you didn't have to be posting here and that you could be blissfully happy right now. But life has its ups and downs, so there is sure to be another up on the way.

There are a couple of things (well, a lot of things) in your post that I really relate to. Especially the tug-of-war between your head and your heart. In my head, I know that we couldn't have a successful relationship right now because we both have personal things we need to work on first. But at the same time, my heart constantly yearns for him. That sounds so melodramatic, but it's true. I miss him, and it sucks. Especially right now when I am home alone on a Friday night posting to a message board ;)

I also relate to the part about wanting and expecting a longer time of getting to know each other. For me, I never got tired of learning new things about him. I was just enjoying how things were going, and thought we had all the time in the world to just be together and grow closer. It's almost like being in the middle (or beginning) of a really good book and then someone takes it away from you and you can't read it anymore. If that makes any sense.

Anyway, I'm rambling now so I'll stop. Sorry I don't have any great insights or suggestions for you. Just want you to know that I appreciate your posts.

I hope you are able to have some moments of peace each day. Best wishes -