finally ended it but feel like crap
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| Wed, 01-04-2006 - 10:34pm |
It's been a while since I've posted here. I have been on quite a rollercoaster since November. I dated someone for a month, asked for something more than just a physical relationship, he got cold feet and dumped me over email. I struggled but moved on, even meeting a new guy who is great. Since then, the ex contacted me several times, until I got weak and gave into seeing him. I cried and cried because he apologized for hurting me, and said he was scared because his feelings for me were so overwhelming. It still doesn't explain why he wimped out and dumped me, but he just said he wasn't thinking and just apologized over and over. So not only did I break NC, but I saw him and last night slept with him. I couldn't believe myself and have felt tremendous shame and guilt. I knew I would have to be strong and end it once and for all. Not only did his old patterns reemerge (he said he wanted to see me today and flaked), but now that I have started dating someone new, I cannot jeopardize this new relationship with such stupid behavior. Today, I talked with the ex on the phone and I struggled so much to tell him that we should stop seeing each other, but I did. He somehow seemed to have forgotten all the pain he'd caused me before and acted really hurt and confused. Which did a number on me because then I felt guilty for hurting his feelings. I spent the afternoon feeling awful for seeing him and making him think we might resume things, and then telling him it was over. I even left voicemails asking him to call me back.
But then I realized what I had to do. I had to be firm and let him know that it's over for good and to not contact me. Since he wouldn't return my calls, I wrote him a message saying we need to cut off communication. And I found myself worrying over how he would take it. What is wrong with me? But after agonizing for a couple hours, I sent the message.
I am feeling so many emotions right now. I know I am doing the right thing by permanently cutting him out of my life. A part of me feels bad because he revealed that he did have feelings for me and did care about me, and shortly therafter I broke things off. A part of me feels avenged because after he hurt me, I got to hurt him. And then I'm relieved that I can now be available to the new guy without feeling guilty and torn. I've already told him about the ex, how painful the breakup was, and that he had been trying to contact me. I haven't told him that I talked to and then slept with him. I'm so afraid to tell him because I like him a lot and don't want to lose him or ruin things. We're just in a casual dating relationship right now and are not committed to one another, but I still feel like I've cheated in a way because I made him think I had moved on and was over the ex.
I guess I just needed to vent and get support. I know I did the right thing, but I feel horrible. I hate thinking that I hurt someone, even though it's someone who probably doesn't deserve an ounce of my energy. And as crazy as it sounds, I'm still sad that he's out of my life and that I'm the one who had to make the final decision. Just a lot of confusion, sadness, and relief here.

I'm glad you posted...I was wondering how you were doing. I sent you an email a few days ago...did you get it?
Ok...I don't think you should feel bad *at all* about this guy because I don't think his professed feelings are real. Not in the sense that he's out and out lying...I'm sure he does actually like you...but not in the deep, real sense. You guys haven't KNOWN each other long enough for it to be that. He's operating in fantasy land. I mean, look what happens...he chases you to get you back (based on this fantasy in his head) then once it's real again, he flakes on you!
You really need to cut out the guilt and shame...they do absolutely NOTHING to help you. Instead, take responsibility for making the choices you did, learn from the mistakes, and move forward.
You should definitely NOT tell the new guy anything about this. You have no commitment to each other to be exclusive...telling him would be completely tactless and unnecessarily hurtful.
Are you seeing your counselor soon?
Sheri
Your post really hit home with me.
I *ended* contact with my ex a number of times over the past year and a half, and like you, I usually tended to feel quite guilty about it. We have tried the whole being "friends" thing, but my ex is totally unreliable and never follows through on what he says he's going to do, not to mention the fact that he's engaged (I know, I know).
So I ended contact with him, because I knew it was for the best. But that didn't take away my feelings of guilt and confusion. Like you, it almost seemed like it would have been better/easier for me if my ex had been the one to end contact between us. It's silly and somewhat selfish in a way, I know, but sometimes I honestly think I would have felt better if my ex were the one who didn't want to talk anymore. I guess part of the reason I feel like this is that I think I should be completely "over" him and the whole situation by now, and that I should be able to be his FRIEND if I want to be.
While we were dating, I tried to break things off twice and each time my ex made me feel horrible. He gave me a huge guilt trip and even implied that he was suicidal on one occasion (scary, huh?). And even though we broke up and became "friends," he still gave me guilt trips when I tried to end contact. He would also act jealous if I mentioned dating other guys, etc.
But as much as I wish otherwise at times, my ex is unavailable for me. He's getting married to someone else, and he does not have the need or the desire to have me in his life anymore...at least not in the sense that he used to. I'm pretty sure I just served as an ego boost for him, and I deserve far more than that. Of course, it's easier said than done...there are things about my ex that I miss a lot. We always had good conversation (when we weren't arguing at least), and he could always make me laugh. I felt a connection with him that I haven't found with anyone else...but I'm still hopeful and looking :)
Just keep your chin up. You know no-contact is good for you...congrats on having the courage to end things. I hope it works out well with you and the new guy! <3
I'm proud of your decision. I know it wasn't easy to push the "send" buttom and I totally understand how you are feeling right now. I also finally made a closure about two weeks ago. Right next day, I felt horrible what I had done. While I was home (I just came back from my country), I was thinking about what I had done, so I had to (still have to) remind myself that I did the right thing for ME, not for HIM. I actually say out loud sometimes. Little by little, day by day, I started believing my word and decision.
We are still in the process of healing. It'll take time. But you did the right thing and you ARE taking care of yourself.
Aloha
Good for you for cutting off contact with your ex.
Hi,
I was also wondering how you were doing.. sounds like it has been an emotional roller coaster! But I agree with the other posters, you did the right thing. The right thing unfortunately is almost never easy.
No matter how much he hurt you, it doesn't make it any easier for you to make a decision that hurts him. You're a caring person, of course you don't want to cause anyone pain. But you need to think about what is best for you, and in this case, it is cutting off contact. Among other reasons, I don't think you will be able to explore a new relationship if you keep up any kind of communication with your ex - it will be so hard to keep your emotions straight.
Hang in there, the first few days now are going to be tough like the first few days after he sent the email, but you already know how time does start to make it just a little bit easier, and you'll get there soon.
Thanks for the messages. I am out of town on business right now and feel better about ending it and cutting off contact. I did see a therapist, and she felt that perhaps I just had to wrap up my unfinished business with the ex (get those questions answered) and even suggested that if I didn't want to end things abruptly, I could just let things run their natural course (into the ground of course). I just didn't want to put myself through anymore of this, plus I want to do things right with the new guy, so I had no choice.
Anyway, I keep thinking about how horrible he was to me. To him, there was nothing wrong, and I started to feel like I was being demanding and unreasonable. When I last saw him, we had sex at his place. I was really tired and thought I would sleep there, but he said he had to get up early the next morning and that he wouldn't get much sleep with me there. I couldn't believe he was doing that already! Then he asked if he could see me the following day (the day before I left town) and like a fool I said yes. He said he'd come by between noon and 3. He calls at 1:00 to say that he's caught up at work (because he arrived late) and wants to finish some stuff and then go work out, so could he just pick me up from the airport on Sunday when I return. At first I said okay and he could hear from my voice that I was starting to come down with a cold, so then he said it's probably not a good idea for him to come by anyway because he doesn't want to get sick. That's when it finally hit me--it was just too much. I said I don't want him to pick me up from the airport, that I've realized that he can't give me what I want, and we should end it. He sounded totally shocked and confused and then got all pouty and hung up the phone. To him, I was being unreasonable because he had work to do and didn't want to get sick. To me, he needed to make a huge effort to get me back and he totally blew it.
In my message to him I said I believe there is someone out there who will go out of his way to comfort me even when I get sick and I don't feel that I should compromise or apologize for that. It really hit home that even though he claims to be a great guy, he's just not willing or able to have the kind of deep, caring relationship that I need and deserve. My therapist said some men just can't do this and that perhaps he gave everything he could--it just isn't enough for me. We agreed that his behavior, whether intended or not, was insensitive and inexcusable, and the confirmation I needed to know that he wasn't the guy for me.
I am feeling much more at peace with my decision now. It does help that I met someone who so far has been the polar opposite of the ex. There's still the distance we'll have to negotiate, but we talk almost everyday, he's considerate, and actually seems capable of a mature relationship built on something more than sex. I don't know what will happen with this new guy, but I'm thankful that he was my impetus for ending things with the ex. If I didn't have this fear of messing up a potentially healthy relationship, I might still be tangled up with the loser.
Thanks again for the messages of support. I hope the rest of you are doing well. I will try to read and respond to other posts when I return from my trip.
I too had tremendous guilt "enforcing" the NC rule. He was angry he was hurt ..oh it was NOT FUN hearing the many angry voice mails BUT I stopped listening and NEVER called..have not since Dec. 4 which is a LONG time considering I have over 700.00 in phone bills from the break up Sept. 16 to Dec.
He was the one who wanted to "see other people" and he was the one that had a sex buddy the day after our breakup. I have to remember that when I feel guilt over trying to survive. It was all about him for SO long...not anymore.
NO MORE NO MORE...you will get to a point where his feelings no longer matter and the only thing that does is getting through this time..