Finally Got My Closure!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Finally Got My Closure!
7
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 8:23pm

After a two year relationship, we broke up and I moved out because he had issues that he needed to deal with on his own. Its a bit more complicated than that though. It was hard to acept that I couldn't be there to help him. Anyway, its been two months now of a steady downhill stream of him avaoiding me or repeating the "I need to fix myself". It started as "I need to fix myself for us" but the "us" part strangly fell off.

Yesterday after I just got to my wits end, I demanded to know why he was avoiding me and what was going on. Does he really want me gone, is he keeping me on the sidelines, etc. I wanted clousure!!! He sent an email telling me that my "harrassment" of him (many calls, etc) in the last few months is the reason he can never see as the woman of his future.
He Also wrote a beautiful poem:

You reminded me of the Butterfly,
I told you this in my early words filled with desire,
Your transformation, your rebirth, your strength
all facets of a life which I admire.
Having been taken on a stroll through your heart
and through your mind, this picture of you has been altered.
I envision you as the flora which lives for the light.
You are like a multitude of flowers with you varied blossoms and weeds ;-)
I must confess each day untill my dying breath,
I was a pleasure walking through your garden.

I was upset (over the "you are not the woman of my future because...) and I went over to his house to give him my point of view. Usually a bad move but it was great! We had a nice talk. We are still broken up as he needs to "wipe his slate clean" and fix himself. And said he couldn't date me now even though he wanted to. He needs time without pressure and wants his heart open to someone else (which he denied saying 10 minutes later). Maybe I misunderstood and he meant somehting like if we got back now, his heart wouldn't be open for me. Claims he cannot be in a relationship now because of these self enlighening changes he's making. But I got my closure!!!!!! I feel so much better.!!!! It was hard feeling like that could be that last time I touch him or kiss him. One of the final things he said was "when you desire something, don't hold on". We decided that he'll call me in a few weeks to see how I'm doing. The last was "I love you". I left with dignity.

Well I sent an email thanking him for talking about it with me. he answered with "Take time to forget about time...use those moments to feel your place in the universe. Our paths will cross..." and signed it with a "love" which he has not done in eaons

I did not answer. I know he has been dating, he claims casually. (why are men so easy to just date like that?) Anyway, that does bother me nonetheless.

He is really confusing me with all these things. I can't even begin to read into these things! I really wanted an answer that didn't not contain mixed messages!

It was perfect timing as I went and got lipo today!!!! I wont see him until I am all healed!

What do you all think about this? WEIRD... I am just plain confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 11:47am

I woke up this morning crying my eyes out! Yesteday I was so strong because of the mixed message, but now it just doen't feel that way. Does it sould like he is just being nice to keep me out of his hair or what. I know I promised to keep NC for a few weeks but I am so scared that I will spend this time being so confident that he will call that I'm afriad of what happens if he doesn't.

I can't stop crying, I am so confused by him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 10:20pm
Lambchop, I'm sorry, but you need to move on. The only reason you are confused is because you want to be. He's done, now, and he is telling you as gently as he can that he isn't coming back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 11:18am

Would a guy really be so spineless that he'd give a gal false hope even after I specifially asked him not to? I told him a story about a guy I did that to (even thought I knew it was a lie) and I still feel bad after 10 years. I asked him not to do that to me.

I guess I am in denial.

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 12:29pm

Lambchop, I hate to say this but I think this is a guy's way of letting you down easy. Guys are afraid of hurting a girl's feelings by being direct, and they dance all around the issue, even if you ask them to be honest.

I heard all the same things your BF is saying. My BF kept saying over and over that he was doing some major things to improve his life physically, mentally and spiritually. When it came right down to it, all he was really doing was easing me out of his life so he could ease a younger woman in.

After our break-up, he kept asking me to lunch, calling me, and saying what a privilege it was to know me, what a "wonderful person" I was, et cetera. All that really confused me and his casual politeness almost made me gag. I have lived with him 6 years!

Yes, your boyfiend may be that spineless, but he may not see it as giving you false hope, rather as just being nice to you to avoid further hurt. It is so hard to make a clean break, but the quicker you could exit this hurtful dance, the better you will feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 12:35pm
That's exactly it. I guess you are right.... :(
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 4:02pm

If I am right, I am so sorry about it. It is just what my experience with my BF is teaching me and what I read on these boards. Men are incredible wimps in the emotions department sometimes. I always thought, after 6 years, I deserved more, but sometimes they bow out "stage right" like in a play and they are gone. I guess I should have expected it. My ex-husband did the same disappearing act after 28 years and left 3 children.

My brother just displayed this behavior, too. He stayed exactly one minute at our uncle's gravesite burial service and literally ran off, saying he couldn't stay. Men run from their feelings sometimes.

I am trying not to be bitter. As they say, Don't get bitter. Get better!

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 4:41pm
Thank you. :)