Finally NC?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Finally NC?
9
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 11:41am
I think im finally ready to start NC with my ex. Its been a week, and hes definatly over it. I tried to be strong, and talk to him like it was okay. But sometimes I find myself slipping, and mensioning something from before, when we were "us". I dont know how to have NC with someone who has been such a part of my life for so long. I keep thinking that if I cut all ties, then oneday when I really need him, he wont be there. I shared so many of my fears with him, and my joys. I keep thinking about, what if I do this good, who will I tell? Or, when im scared at night, who am I going to call? I dont know if I can do it. The way im doing it doesnt seem to be working, but I dont know if im strong enough to do it any other way. I still get so exicted when I see him online, and hes there and I can talk to him and reach out. But so many times he says hes busy with his girlfriend. Which hurts the most cuz we`ve only been apart for a week. Not even. And hes already that over me? It makes me feel like I should be able to be that far ahead to. And to prove that I am I have to talk to him, and share his joy and let him know im happy for him. But thats not right is it? Sometimes I wonder if knowing hurts more. But how can it when if I dont know I wonder and it drives me crazy. Please help me with my NC. I cant do it alone but im so afraid that if I dont do it, ill never move on. Please, any help you can give I would great appreciate. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
In reply to: angel4259
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 11:52am
No contact has beeb hard for me, too, but I found that eventually I felt better not worrying about talking to him. It seemed like everytime we talked we rehashed why the relationship ended and I would start doubting myself and have to go through the list over and over again in my head. It became metally exhausting. Believe me, staying in contact keeps you connected to that person and does not allow you to heal and move on. I feel sure everyone on this board would advise you to stop contacting him. Let yourself heal. You can vent to your friends all you want and come here and vent. It's hard, but you will feel better soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: angel4259
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 11:55am

Read this, it's all about you and your situation, whether you might think so or not, something's making you want to keep in touch when you are being so obviously disregarded.



Breaking the Compulsive Calling Cycle


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=20822.1


Don't continue to talk to him or "be happy" for him and his new girlfriend.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
In reply to: angel4259
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 11:59am
Its hard. This place seems to be the only place I CAN vent. All my friends are his friends, which sucks so we are bound to cross paths eventually. If I vent to them they tell him and he flips that im not over it yet. Because I should be, he is. Or they flip because they`ve heard it all before, its old news, get over it. But none of them have been here, none of them know. I dont know if im strong enough for no contact. Even going 24 hours without talking to him hurts, and thats something that happens a lot now, without us making it. We are both busy with our lives. And time just passes and we dont talk. But then when I wonder what he did it hurts because I want to know. I always want to know. And once I do know I feel better. And im afraid that if there is no contact at all, then ill drive myself crazy wondering what hes doing, who hes with, where he is. All those questions we used to ask eachother when we`d go out alone. No contact seems so harsh to do with someone who you love. But sometimes I think I can do it, and should. I want to move on, I want to forget about it all and get over it. But then sometimes I want to keep talking, just so that I know hes there and that I havent lost him compleltly. We always said we`d be friends afterwards, hes my bestfriend now and has been for so long. How I can just cut that off? Just pretend its not there anymore. It just seems so hard...But so...right..
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: angel4259
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 8:41pm

I saved this story - Pinky's advice on these boards, ages ago:

Think of your relationship like a big house that has been demolished. What do you do next? You can't live in the house any more! So you decide to clear up the mess (emotion), brick by brick, it takes a bit of time, but you liked living in that big house so you guess it's worth the effort. Then there's a big hole in the ground that needs to be filled up again. You start this process by making new friends who are happy to help you rebuild your new big house, so it's bigger and better than it was before.

Your ex has decided that he's going to build on top of all the rubble (denial), he/she can't be bothered to take time out to clear up all the mess. So off he/she goes, building on top of the old house. He/She acknowledges that the structure is a little wobbly but he/she says that it will do for him right now.

The storm hits. Guess whose house is still standing?

Your house is built on a solid foundation. His/Her house is a big fake "paper house", yours a big strong stone structure. Now tell me who's going to have the better future? It's up to you to decide.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
In reply to: angel4259
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 6:17pm

no contact hurts, it hurts BADLY, it is hard, you are wondering what he is doing and with whom but it does get easier...that i PROMISE you. there will be ups and downs but it is not (and i know this from experience) as painful as knowing what he is doing. he is telling you that you should have moved on by now...which is completely inaccurate and his behavior shows that he hasn't moved on, he is just painting a pretty picture and lying to himself by "moving on" to someone else so quickly. regardless of who did the breaking up, BOTH people have residual effects and emotions that they must deal with, either now or later. you can get a head start on dealing with this head on right now, whereas he will feel the effects down the road, and be where are now. trust me, i know from experience. he may have a 'new girlfriend', but truly that is just a cover for the feelings he does not want to feel...it is very common behavior, especially from guys.

i can give this advice having recently been in your exact same situation. i went 90 days of no contact and have only recently started talking to him again, but that's because with me, no contact started the day after the breakup, and there was a lot left unsaid. it made me feel 100 times better to get it off my chest, but i waited until i was ready. he wanted to talk to me after about a month, but i ignored him and did not respond until he didn't get the hint, and very boldly told him this would be on my terms. so i can say from experience that the ONLY way i have been able to heal is with no contact. i think you will know when you are ready for that. for me, it was immediately following the breakup because of some things he did that i just would not tolerate, i had more respect for myself. in my own way i 'kept in contact' by checking up on him (more or less) but after a while i realized hearing about what he was doing was only making me have that much more pain and anguish. and since then i have stopped that, and that is when my true healing began. it does hurt more to know what he is doing, having been in both situations, i can say for sure that it does, or at least did for me. cutting off contact will send a message loud and clear to him, and it will drive him crazy not knowing what you are thinking. right now, he has the scraps you are giving him, even if it just be a 'friendship'.

you can decide for yourself, now, or later, but seeing as you seem to be in a state of limbo, i really think it's best to cut off contact, even if temporarily. this doesn't have to be a forever thing, keep telling yourself that, that has helped me a bit. it is just something that allows you to sort out your feelings on your own. and i promise you that it does get easier. good luck...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
In reply to: angel4259
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 7:13pm
Thank you. You`ve helped a lot. I guess I was just so afraid of losing him completly that I never wanted no contact. I didnt want to not have him at all, and I guess just talking to him made it better. I have stopped thinking about him so much, but maybe its just a cover...Maybe im just pretending. Maybe no contact would push him out of my mind for good. Its just so hard to think that he wont be there to talk to, to share secrets with...Hes not just an ex boyfriend..Hes my bestfriend and it hurts to think that for a period of time, or forever, he could not be anything to me at all...But I guess ill never know, until I try right. Thank you. As of right now. There will be no more contact, no phone calls, no e mails no instant messages. No nothing. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: angel4259
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 8:51pm
I'm so sorry that you're having such a difficult time getting over the breakup. I know how you feel, honestly I do. My boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me less than 2 months ago and I'm still having a hard time. But, if it's any help to you at all - when it first happened I believed that it was the end for me and that I could never possibly be happy again. I felt like my entire world had fallen out from below me and I was lost. I felt like I couldn't even breathe. I still feel that way sometimes, but, just to let you know - believe it or not, it does get easier. Everyone told me that when it first happened and I didn't believe them but you just have to give it a little time and you'll see it for yourself. Just hang in there. I know it hurts like hell but it does get better. As for the NC thing, you have to stick with it. Trust me, don't do it for him or to try to save what's left of the relationship but do it for yourself. The only way that you can help yourself heal is to remove yourself as far away from the source of the pain as possible. When you say that it's difficult because he's the one that you're used to opening yourself up to it it's like hearing myself talk. I know the feeling. But, unfortunately, as hard as it is to accept, people change. You probably don't want to hear it but you need to find something new to focus your energy on - take a class, pick up a hobby, join a club, etc. For me, it was joining the army. I'm not in yet but I've been spending my free time getting myself prepped for boot camp next week. It really does help. It helps you see that there's more out there than the guy that you've devoted your life to for the past however many months/years but you'll only see it if you try. You have to get out there and do it. Do something, anything. Take up something that you didn't do while you're with him that you wanted to do. Oh, and just a tidbit of advice - to help with the NC, take him off of your buddy list. This was so hard for me because since my ex and I broke up any contact between us has been over the computer. But as soon as I took him off of my list I felt relieved. It's difficult to do but give it a try. Out of sight, out of mind. Well, maybe not completely but at least you don't have to be paranoid about what he's doing while he's idle! That's noble of you to want to be there for him - but, right now, worry about yourself. He'll find his way - and even if he doesn't, you can't help anyone until you help yourself. I wish you the best of luck - I hope it gets easier for you soon. Just stay strong and believe that you will get through it and you will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
In reply to: angel4259
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 9:16pm
Boot camp...sounds refreshing where do i join? :P I dont know..it feels so hard, but it sounds so easy, end the contact, end the pain. But its not that easy. I still feel like I need him, and the thought of not talking to him, not sharing with him, makes my stomach turn..I know its the right thing to do...But theres nothing im interested in. And everywhere I go, his friends are there, or friends we shared. Or places we`ve been. Theres no way to leave the source of pain without like leaving the province. Its just so complicated that it hurts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: angel4259
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 9:35pm
I know that it's not that easy but it's the first step. You're only making things harder on yourself by keeping in contact with him. Every time you talk to him you're just making it worse - it's a constant reminder of what you don't and can't have. I don't mean to make you think that you will instantly feel better as soon as you start NC, you won't. In fact, at first it hurts worse than talking to him. After 7 years of being with my boyfriend everyday, nearly all day, the first day of NC was a living hell. I knew he had a new gf and it only added insult to injury. But it wasn't until I gradually pulled myself away from it that I felt any kind of relief. Try it for a day.. go a couple days if you can. Do it gradually if you have to but make some effort to help yourself heal. I understand your pain and confusion but you can't see it for what it is until you pull yourself out of it, even if only temporarily. It's a long and painful process but the sooner that you start the sooner that you can start to heal.