Finally NC?
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Finally NC?
| Sun, 01-07-2007 - 11:41am |
I think im finally ready to start NC with my ex. Its been a week, and hes definatly over it. I tried to be strong, and talk to him like it was okay. But sometimes I find myself slipping, and mensioning something from before, when we were "us". I dont know how to have NC with someone who has been such a part of my life for so long. I keep thinking that if I cut all ties, then oneday when I really need him, he wont be there. I shared so many of my fears with him, and my joys. I keep thinking about, what if I do this good, who will I tell? Or, when im scared at night, who am I going to call? I dont know if I can do it. The way im doing it doesnt seem to be working, but I dont know if im strong enough to do it any other way. I still get so exicted when I see him online, and hes there and I can talk to him and reach out. But so many times he says hes busy with his girlfriend. Which hurts the most cuz we`ve only been apart for a week. Not even. And hes already that over me? It makes me feel like I should be able to be that far ahead to. And to prove that I am I have to talk to him, and share his joy and let him know im happy for him. But thats not right is it? Sometimes I wonder if knowing hurts more. But how can it when if I dont know I wonder and it drives me crazy. Please help me with my NC. I cant do it alone but im so afraid that if I dont do it, ill never move on. Please, any help you can give I would great appreciate. Thanks.

Read this, it's all about you and your situation, whether you might think so or not, something's making you want to keep in touch when you are being so obviously disregarded.
Don't continue to talk to him or "be happy" for him and his new girlfriend.
I saved this story - Pinky's advice on these boards, ages ago:
Think of your relationship like a big house that has been demolished. What do you do next? You can't live in the house any more! So you decide to clear up the mess (emotion), brick by brick, it takes a bit of time, but you liked living in that big house so you guess it's worth the effort. Then there's a big hole in the ground that needs to be filled up again. You start this process by making new friends who are happy to help you rebuild your new big house, so it's bigger and better than it was before.
Your ex has decided that he's going to build on top of all the rubble (denial), he/she can't be bothered to take time out to clear up all the mess. So off he/she goes, building on top of the old house. He/She acknowledges that the structure is a little wobbly but he/she says that it will do for him right now.
The storm hits. Guess whose house is still standing?
Your house is built on a solid foundation. His/Her house is a big fake "paper house", yours a big strong stone structure. Now tell me who's going to have the better future? It's up to you to decide.
Carrie
no contact hurts, it hurts BADLY, it is hard, you are wondering what he is doing and with whom but it does get easier...that i PROMISE you. there will be ups and downs but it is not (and i know this from experience) as painful as knowing what he is doing. he is telling you that you should have moved on by now...which is completely inaccurate and his behavior shows that he hasn't moved on, he is just painting a pretty picture and lying to himself by "moving on" to someone else so quickly. regardless of who did the breaking up, BOTH people have residual effects and emotions that they must deal with, either now or later. you can get a head start on dealing with this head on right now, whereas he will feel the effects down the road, and be where are now. trust me, i know from experience. he may have a 'new girlfriend', but truly that is just a cover for the feelings he does not want to feel...it is very common behavior, especially from guys.
i can give this advice having recently been in your exact same situation. i went 90 days of no contact and have only recently started talking to him again, but that's because with me, no contact started the day after the breakup, and there was a lot left unsaid. it made me feel 100 times better to get it off my chest, but i waited until i was ready. he wanted to talk to me after about a month, but i ignored him and did not respond until he didn't get the hint, and very boldly told him this would be on my terms. so i can say from experience that the ONLY way i have been able to heal is with no contact. i think you will know when you are ready for that. for me, it was immediately following the breakup because of some things he did that i just would not tolerate, i had more respect for myself. in my own way i 'kept in contact' by checking up on him (more or less) but after a while i realized hearing about what he was doing was only making me have that much more pain and anguish. and since then i have stopped that, and that is when my true healing began. it does hurt more to know what he is doing, having been in both situations, i can say for sure that it does, or at least did for me. cutting off contact will send a message loud and clear to him, and it will drive him crazy not knowing what you are thinking. right now, he has the scraps you are giving him, even if it just be a 'friendship'.
you can decide for yourself, now, or later, but seeing as you seem to be in a state of limbo, i really think it's best to cut off contact, even if temporarily. this doesn't have to be a forever thing, keep telling yourself that, that has helped me a bit. it is just something that allows you to sort out your feelings on your own. and i promise you that it does get easier. good luck...