Finally, REALLY Over. No Chemistry?
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| Thu, 03-01-2007 - 1:54pm |
Hi Everyone, I know it's kinda long but please read & help :)
Well, if you look back - here's my udpate. My B/f & I took breaks from 1/1/07 onward & broke up a bit ago. Yet, he said he still missed me, cared for me, needed to figure out his feelings for me etc? I loved him, so I stuck it out. All this while just after spending a great XMas together with our families- 2 nights after Xmas, he starts asking how I felt about open relationships, sex with someone else, and of course, "How would you feel if you saw my personal ad back up"?? Now I think back->LOL- Wake UP Sweetie! Then, we got into the "feelings" stuff - he didn't feel he fell in Love with me after our year together and felt he should feel more by now and it was unfair to me because he knew I loved him? Yet, he didn't know what LOVE was really about, or what we needed to stay together? Now also back at XMas he said we had Great Chemistry (physical was getting better as time went on),We had Attraction & all kinds of "Good Stuff" between us - he was just stuck on the "love" stuff and afraid to be hurt again. He noticed it was a pattern for him to freeze up at a certain point in relationships therefore, I hung in because I LOVED HIM. So, we did the back & forth since New Yrs..seeing eachother just to "see eachother", to be with one another because afterall we "liked" eachother, and of course we got physical a few times - here's the CLINCHER...I found out during his "figuring out his feelings for me"..he went out & slept with someone else. Said it was random, no one special, right place, right time!? Did it anyway?? He NEVER told me until after I was with him and only because I figured a few things out (he got STD tested -which made me question cuz we were Both CLEAN in 11/06 during our relationship) Now, when we saw eachother (4-5 times) and when we got physical...he would STOP in the middle, one reason or another..tired, drank too much or too much emotional stuff went on that night between us..Then, the last time we saw eachother, the night before V-Day...we end up being physical & he actually Stopped AGAIN(he's done this 4/5 times now)! This time accusing me of not having a sponge in! WHAT? After one year with me, and never a scare & me ALWAYS handling B/C? I got SO angry that night! I said a few things that were mean but all of this had dragged me down to a place I don't think anyone could pull up from...and the slap in the face with that comment? This all made me feel like less of a "woman" physically because he did this over 4 times! How stupid was I to even get into that position after being shut down so many times?? But I cared! Now, Finding out he was with someone else...Maybe I could've got over it at some point but because of this, and what he kept doing to me physically (stopping)- I needed to feel "desired & sexy again" so I saw my Ex one night-why not, I needed a "Boost" to "check in on myself". Though, through all of this, I still loved him, I was just trying to find PEACE & bring myself back UP from the pit! The next morning after this night- it was Valentines Day - I slipped out the door & found he put a card on my purse? Why? "Happy V-Day, Love, him" Well, I left it there. I left for vacation last week, after this incident. I left him an e-mail stating, lets get past this, its been long enough & we keep going back to see eachother this means something so, lets start over & go to the therapist to work things out from old fears & hurts and stop having walls between us & really give eachother a chance because we were GREAT for a year until all of this! I wanted him to really think about it, and hopefully get an answer.
On my way back from vacation- his answer comes via "Text Message". Basically, he figured out his feelings for me..Now, says he DOES have feelings for me, we have a lot of great things between us, but not enough CHEMISTRY? Basically doesn't want another chance with us! So, Now we have NO Chemistry? Before it was some feelings but we did have chemistry, now it's not enough chemistry? This is my BELIEF now, I think He lied to me before & bet he lied more than I knew about. I bet he had this woman before we broke up & regardless..after having some HOT, NEW Physical experience with her...Suddenly "WE" don't have enough "Chemistry"- well, after a LONG TIME with a person, the "Newness" fades, but the relationship means more than that! Doesn't "Chemistry" mean "Physical stuff" pretty much? So, I've been forced to say "Goodbye" to him. The part that kills me now is: This man believes - he was never MEAN to me, and didn't ever disrespect me? Hello? Yes you did! I have now discovered this -I may still have feelings for him, but I don't "LIKE" him - who has become recently? BUT HEY< If the Grass is Greener with this woman - Go for it Bud! I am one HELL of a Catch & put up with LOTS of his Crap & THIS is all of what I got from him! Let's see another woman deal with what I dealt with - she wouldn't be as crazy as I was to put up with it cuz my heart was involved! SO, now I must start over?? I can't say it doesn't Hurt, can't say I don't MISS this Jerk....but I know "It's TIME" - I need to let go & move on. It's a No CONTACT thing I have to do Right?? This ought to be hard for me. Tell me what I can do to help myself through! I said Goodbye (and meant it) February 25th - so I'm on DAY 5 of NO CONTACT! I've never been able to go a full 7-10(12) days. I'm looking for some encouragement,insight and support. Anyone got anything to offer up?? I hope your all doing Well! Sweetie

Hi sweetiexo,
I'm just quickly posting links to your other threads to help people follow your story.
I'm not sure how encouraging I'm going to be, but I do have some insight and questions for you:
Not to point out discrepancies, but I read back your previous posts about your break up, and the first question that enters my mind is Did he ever seek out that counseling that you said was
I think you're dealing with an "ambivalent man". My ex always seemed unsured about what he wanted, always going always coming back. I came across an excellent book "The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man" by Rhonda Findley. This book helped me understand a lot of my ex boyfriend's behaviors while we were together (18 months). Unfortunately, your ex sounds a lot like my ex. I knew that I wasn't crazy when I had my sixth sense telling me "something is wrong" (especially when he did his disappearance act). I think this book can validate your decision to break up with this guy for good. One of the things recommended the most in the book is to build a strong network with friends and family, so that they can support you in your decision to leave him. It's been almost a month for me since I last spoke to my ex and broke up with him. I tell you, it's VERY HARD, and I have almost texted him. But I have remained strong for my own good. I know family and friends get tired of hearing about what we go through every day, because everyday is a new challenge to not give in and call them or text them or e-mail them. So, I want you to know that I know what you're going through because I'm going through the same.
As sad as this is going to sound, he was looking for a justification for his behaviors. So the best he could come up with is the "chemistry" excuse. I bet his definition of "chemistry" is totally different to yours. If he's like my ex, he's going to try to to keep the door open with little notes or cards or texts. I bet you he'll probably say things like he misses you and go back to the "wonderful time together" So, watch out and be ready for a response, or better yet, don't react!. Stay strong. The first month is the hardest, you still have 26 days. Good luck!