Finally said good-bye and very sad...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2005
Finally said good-bye and very sad...
7
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 7:24pm

I posted on the "Should I stay or should I go?" board a while ago about some relationship issues I was having...and they have been resolved somewhat because I broke up with my boyfriend of almost five years yesterday. To make a long story short, although we love each other, we don't want the same things out of life, and while I am ready to settle down and start a family, he doesn't want that. After going back to school and starting a BSN program in December, I have really started to get a clear view of what I want out of life, and it was not congruent with a relationship with him. So after about a year of seeing the writing on the wall, yesterday I finally brought it up to him and we have ended our relationship.

Something I had always said was that I didn't think I could ever be friends with him because I couldn't see how that would work. However, in thinking about things (which I have been doing heavily since sometime in February), I realized that I don't want to kick him out of my life. So we did talk yesterday a lot about why things didn't work out (he has a lot to work on before he can ever think of getting married, and he readily admits that he doesn't know if he will ever make a trip to the altar), and we cried together and even laughed together a little bit. Today, I opened up a new storage container and filled it with pictures of us and gifts he had given me and scrapbooks I had kept of our time together, and that was the first time that I really felt the need to cry. I have felt very positive about this because I know that it is the only decision that could be made that was fair to both of us...but then I strip away the issues and just think of him and me and wish that all those issues didn't have to affect the heart of what we had, which was a great deal of love for each other.

So although I know this was the right thing to do (really, the only thing to do), I just feel sad. I miss what we used to have (back when our relationship was still strong and we were at our happiest), and I miss the thought of what I thought we would have one day. I know that there are others out there who know exactly what I am talking about...so thanks for listening! I really appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 7:38am
I am so sorry to hear about your breakup. Your situation is very similar to mine and though I know it's painful, I'm sure you made the right decision. Thinking about the happy times and our strong friendship is also what hurts me the most. After a few weeks I thought it would be better, and it is, but the pain caused by my memories is still sharp. You really seem to have a level head about this and I know that will benefit you in both the short and long term. Stay strong and we're all here for you in those moments you don't feel so strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 9:14pm
Those happy memories from the beginning of the relationship are usually the hardest to get over once the relationship has ended but the two of you want different things so this is the best decision you could have made for the time being.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 2:50am

I am in a similar situation...just ended a three year relationship yesterday, for almost the same reasons--heading in different directions in the future. No real problems besides that. Very, very sad.

It's a heartbreaking situation when there aren't really any problems in the present, and the love and respect are still there and very intact, but the future isn't. Where does the love go? Does it just disappear? Does it turn into something else?

I grieve for us--the future we dreamed we would have, growing old together, and I will miss him terribly. And I grieve for myself--who I would have been with him. How he made me laugh.

We don't want to cut each other out out each others' lives entirely either, but it's hard to do sometimes. I am afraid of losing him entirely, but am resigned to knowing it could happen.

In any case, you've got a kindred spirit who can relate. Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 3:03pm
i am in the almost exact situation. we broke up after almost 5 years together yesterday. i do want to get back together, because we did live together, and i do believe that he is the one for me, hes just not acting like it right now. i felt this was the only way for him to realize why we broke up and why he needs to make changes and i do too to make the relationship work. it hurts me esp because i still live in the apt we got together. he said he would still help me with the rent, but he doesnt stay here anymore. so the whole apt reminds me of him, but i still dont want to leave. i like it here. everyone tells me i should just leave so i all these things dont remind me of him, but i dont want to. i also rememeber the good times when we were so perfect. everything was great, and i want that again more than ever. i have told him this, but he still seems like he doesnt think about that stuff, i wonder if he does. so anyway, i guess we can be here for eachother in this time since our situations are so alike, as well as everyone else!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 4:24pm
I have a simular situation. My BF and I of 6 years broke up 6 weeks ago. We broke up because we want different things in our lives. We happen to have a big age difference and I feel in the end it affected our relationship. We are just at different stages of life. We have a very deep bond and love each other unlike we have ever loved before and we understand each other. We had a great relationship and got along very well. The past 6 weeks have been hard. I have gone thru several emotions. On one hand I want him home and I just want to continue our lives like it was. On the other hand I am getting to know myself better these past 6 weeks and feel that I could enjoy being single. We did 4 weeks of no contact but found it very hard. We missed each other too much not to be in contact. We then started seeing each other once a week. This week he ended up at my house twice and tonight we have agreed to talk about what we are doing and where we are headed. I honestly am split 50/50 with what I want and am unsure. I think he also feels the same way. I am not pushing either way because god knows our future and he is the one that will decide how we are going to get thru this one way or the other. I wish you the best of luck. I feel once you starting missing your ex you may change your mind. One thing I always told my bf is if you really love someone and you have a good relationship that there are just things in life that you will have to sacrafice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2005
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 9:44am

It's amazing how many people are going through similar things right now!

I do want to say a couple of things, however. I have heard people say how they are trying to impress upon their SO that there are things that they will have to change to make the relationship work. Be careful with that! You can't really change a person, and if it is going to take them changing for your relationship to work, then it probably isn't going to work in the long run. I also thought that I could get my boyfriend to change or that he would magically change eventually, and he didn't, which is why we are where we are now.

Also, if you truly want different things out of life, one of you probably isn't going to decide to give up what you want. Relationships don't have to be about sacrifice for them to work. There is someone out there who DOES want what you want and who you won't have sacrifice your wants and needs for. My boyfriend and I had broken up in the past, and I always thought that we could "make" it work. While it's true that relationships are work, you shouldn't have to change who you are (and neither should he) to "make" it work.

Something that was helpful to me was to make a list of the positive and negative aspects of my relationship. Some of the positives were...I find him very attractive, we have a great time together, we share a lot of common interests, we come from similar backgrounds, our values are very similar, he makes me laugh, I love him, etc. Some of the negatives were...I want to settle down, and he doesn't; I want to have kids, and he doesn't think he does; I want to build a life with someone, possibly involving moving away from the area, and he has very good reasons for wanting to stay where he is. When I looked at the negatives, they were very specific to our relationship and were definite problems that would be hard to overcome. The positives were also very true, but they were positives that I could find with another person. He isn't the only person that I will ever have fun with and love and be attracted to. He isn't the only person who will ever make me laugh. He isn't the only person in the world who has similar values to mine and comes from a similar background. It turns out that the negatives weighed much more than the positives, and that is why ending things was the right thing for me.

I watch "Starting Over" on TV, and one day one of the life coaches told one of the girls that if you settle for a relationship that isn't right for you, you could wake up in ten years one day, look around at the life you are leading, and think, "How did this become my life?" I think that's so true! If, in ten years, I was still with him and compromised on what I wanted to make it last, who's to say I wouldn't wake up one day and realize, "Hmmm, I really did want to settle down and have kids." And then I would resent him and probably be pretty angry at myself for letting it happen.

So while I empathize with all of you who are going through this hard time right now, remember that if things don't work out with someone because they have to change or sacrifice for it to work, it probably won't work out in the long run anyway. You are all amazing, caring, talented, beautiful women who deserve a true Prince Charming...and while it is so hard to think that your ex might not be that person, you will be so much happier if you do find that person. I wish you all my best as you go through these hard times...I know that you will come out on the other side!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 1:41pm
thank you for that. your advice sounded very from the heart. the thing with my situation is, he hasnt always been like this. he used to be very loving , attentive, etc. and not just in the beginning of the relationship. he did it for 3 years. well, maybe more. i just want that back. becuase i know in my heart that he is the one for me. i just know. but i cant be with him if he treats me like he did. i admit i made some mistakes, and i have acknowledged them and changed my behavior , but he hasnt , and he doesnt seem like he will. all i can do now is just wait. i have to wait for him. but im not gonna be sitting by the phone or anything, but if he does call, i will answer and make sure the he has chaned. im just a little confused. thank you for your input tho!