Finally...an EYE OPENER!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Finally...an EYE OPENER!
5
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 2:00pm

I found this article about commitment phobic men and to my surprise...WOW!!! My ex meets nearly ALL of these signs. How could I not have noticed this is what was happening? Now I feel better in some regard because no matter what I did, it never would have worked out. He had told me in the beginning that he had made a lot of mistakes with women but it never dawned on me that he was a commitment phobe! He kept telling me he wanted a serious relationship and that he wanted it with me. Kept talking about our future kids. But alas, he also was forever upgrading his cars to bigger and better sports cars (right before he dumped me he was planning on buying a $130K car...NUTS!), thinking of buying a bigger house...lots of stuff. It was like he was always running to or from something. Although he had me meet his mother, I never saw her again after that initial meeting. I always thought maybe she didn't like me but actually, maybe she really did like me and that too freaked him out. Anyway...just wanted to share this link because it has really put things in perspective for me on a lot of levels. It really wasn't about me and he has serious issues that he probably doesn't even realize. (I licked my fingers one day eating finger foods and he didn't speak to me for a week. It was almost a deal breaker for him.)

http://www.relationship-remedies.com/Commitmentphobia.html

I think I can finally move on from this. Amazing how one article gives me the answer I've been so desperately looking for. I do believe I need some counseling because I tend to always find the men with some commitment issues. This one was the most extreme and emotionally damaging however.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 3:03pm

I'd highly recommend reading "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter. It really helped me move on after my relationship with a classic c'phobe ended--although unfortunately I didn't read it until almost 2 years into the breakup. It's also helped me recognize my pattern of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men, and that's the first step, awareness. It's an ongoing struggle not to fall back into old patterns, but I'm much better than I was.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 3:27pm
I actually read that book last summer after my previous c'phobe relationship. Only he actually already had a girlfriend he failed to mention and then wouldn't leave me alone when I found out. A completely different situation. This time around, I failed to notice the signs. I thought he was serious about me when he took me to meet his mother. Not something a typical c'phobe does. I was at his house all the time too and we even looked at houses together! Although in hindsight, I should have ran for the hills when he told me has made MANY mistakes with women, but he said he wasn't going to do that anymore and was really wanting a serious relationship with me. Even told me that many men would run for the hills when I commented on a house we both fell in love with as "our house" but said the comment didn't scare him. He was really good at confusing me I guess. Sigh...I am too nice, too sweet and share my emotions making me vulnerable to being taken advantage of by these types of men. I really do want to get counseling for this and am going to see if my insurance will cover it.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 3:39pm

Oh, heck, c'phobes *definitely* do things like that, especially early on! That's pretty standard operating procedure, to engage in future talk and do things that make you think he's serious. It might be time to pull the book out again and read it if you're forgotten that part.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2005
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 4:59pm
so many of the signs in that article relate to my "boyfriend". What I wonder, is if someone continually tends to choose commitmentphobes as their partners, does that make them a commitmentphobe as well?

Everything happens for a reason

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 5:18pm

....."What I wonder, is if someone continually tends to choose commitmentphobes as their partners, does that make them a commitmentphobe as well? ".....

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