Finding Myself Again

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Finding Myself Again
4
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 5:01pm
I'm going through a tough time right now after breaking up with my boyfriend of nearly 2 years just about 2 months ago.
We did a long distance relationship for about a yr and half. During that time, we talked to each other on the phone everyday, wrote long emails and visited each other every two weeks or so. He was supportive and loving and seemed just as committed to the relationship as I was. I had been wanting to make a change so I made the decision to move to his city (800 miles away from my home). I left my family,friends,my job and my "comfort zone" to start a life with him. I saw it as an adventure and had so many hopes and dreams of building a life in a new city.
He told me all that I wanted to hear during the relationship- I was his world,his best friend, he wanted to marry me and give me everything. It started out wonderful, he continued to be supportive and loving. But then it went devastatingly downhill...I suspected he was lying to me, about things that didnt need to be lied about(like him smoking and doing pot with his friends when I was on a business trip). I couldnt shake my suspicion and it just ate me up inside. I felt like, why would he lie to me about these things? It hurt me so deeply and I wondered what else he was lying about. I would question him and he would deny things and then tell me that I was wrong for questioning him. And I felt like there was a wall between us- he wouldnt open up to me. Our arguments would result in him telling me that I was a "nag" or him threatening to leave. I would be the one who would try to reach out and resolve things. Meanwhile, I am in this new city, feeling alone, with not too many friends and no solid support.
I went home one weekend and told my sisters about what was going on. I was so devastated and I felt like I was going crazy with paranoia. They helped me realize that he had been manipulating me and treating me very badly.
It took me another couple of weeks to actually leave, to get the resolve to do it. When I told him that I was moving back home and breaking up with him, he said that he would try again and that he didnt want to lose me,he loved me, wrote me letters, poems and begged me to stay.
I left, got a moving van and drove the 800 miles back home (with the help of my loving family) and its been so hard ever since... I feel like I have to start all over again. I am living with my parents because I dont have a job right now, all my stuff is in storage. I wanted to try something new and I did like the new city...but I had to leave. And thats frustrating bc I am back in my old town and I feel like it may not be where I would like to ideally live.
Meanwhile I am also getting nasty and hurtful emails from him telling me that I didnt try hard enough, that I just gave up after only a few months, that I've treated him like sh*t and he is devastated and everthing haunts him. Its so painful bc I did love him so much, and I analyze things and do the "what ifs?"
I'm seeing a therapist and that's been good for me. I am trying to put this in the past and move on, but its so hard. I just feel like my self esteem is at an all time low...which does not make finding a new job and selling yourself to an employer any easier. I am trying to take care of myself and not be too hard on myself... I want this pain to go away, I want to feel whole again, feel like myself again. I want to feel like I can move through this and have hope.
I feel blessed to have a loving family and friends who have been there for me and a place to live where I feel comforted. I guess I have to be patient that I will be ok someday...

I want to thank everyone for sharing their stories and for being a source of comfort and compassion. You're in my prayers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 10:27pm

Oh no, you did NOT treat him like s*@t! On the contrary, you gave up everything to go to him and to try to make things work. You made all the sacrifices, and he is seriously deluding himself by telling himself (and you) otherwise.

Your e-mail sounds very similar to my own situation. I dated my ex-love long-distance for 2 years before leaving my own "comfort zone" of California to go live with him in his, which was all the way across the country - in North Carolina, no less. Talk about culture shock!! But I too looked at it as a great adventure and was so excited at the prospect of he and I building a new life together.

Mine also told me all that I wanted to hear during the relationship (i.e. he loved me more than anything, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, I was the best thing that ever happened to him, ad nauseum.) But I also caught him in little lies that nagged at me, and he would hold me at arm's length emotionally whenever I tried to get him to deal with issues. Also, to add to the problem, he is the only child of Greek parents who manipulate him through guilt, and they dominated their entire lives there. So there I was, isolated in a strange city with him as my sole support system, missing my home state and my own family, with things not turning out even remotely as we had planned. And every time I broached the subject of my frustration with the whole situation with him, I was accused of being a "nag" and threatened with the prospect of losing him.

You were much smarter and stronger than I was, and I admire you for your courage in leaving your guy and going back home, even though it broke your heart to do so. That is what I should have done. Instead, after giving up four years of my life for mine and changing my whole world to build a life with him, he tells me "I don't want to do this anymore" - and OVER THE PHONE to boot, while I was out in California at my parents' for Thanksgiving. I was so crushed...and still am. Obviously, I overestimated his integrity...and so many other things about him.

Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble. :) I guess what I really want to say to you is that I really think you did the right thing. I know it is incredibly difficult right now, and all I can say is "hang in there", because it's going to get better...for both of us...it's GOT to!

Thanks for sharing your story - now at least I know that I am far from the only one in this heartbroken state. Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 12:02am

Thank you so much Scorpiogirl73 for sharing your story. And you didn’t ramble. And you are not alone. Your encouragement means so much to me. Thank you. This is my first time doing message boards- I’m so glad that I did. I’ve been lucky to have family and friends to lean on, but they really don’t understand everything I’ve been through. I know you do and I am so sorry to hear about your heartbreak.

I can definitely relate on almost everything you said…my ex is from Georgia and I’m from PA, and I definitely experienced a culture shock. I also felt like he got really good at building up walls and keeping me at an arms length. It’s the worst feeling when you can’t feel like you can’t fully trust the person you are living with and who you depend on. I would be crying, begging him to open up to me and he would remain unemotional and guarded. I don’t think he shed one tear while I probably have shed a whole lake-full by now.

I also had a guy (different ex) break up with me over the phone… it was devastating. So easy for them- so unbelievably horrible for us. It definitely shows how selfish, immature and absolutely cowardly he has to be. Someone like that does not deserve you and what you have given. Take solace in that fact.

You hang in there too. Now its time to take care of yourself and focus your energy on what’s most important- your happiness. And I agree, its got to get better…even though it doesn’t feel all that great right now. But at least now our eyes are open and we are beginning to live to make ourselves happy and not our undeserving ex’s.

I wish you all of the best and I’ll be thinking of you during the holidays. Take care.

MK

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 11:50am

i, too, admire your courage for picking up and leaving because you felt it was best. sometimes the right thing to do is the hard thing to do--and i don't know that in your situation i would have the same strength. sometimes it's easier to ignore things in hopes they will get better...just think of all of the heartbreak you saved yourself and time lost by realizing you needed to pick up and move on when you did.

take this time to spend time with your family and friends from your home town. if this isn't where you want to live--figure out where you do want to go before getting a job there and settling down. if you felt things weren't working out then you truly did what is best. good luck to you...things will get better for all of us, i know they will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 1:02pm

Thank you so much for your kind words. I know that when I made the decision to leave, I didn’t necessarily feel strong or courageous. I questioned myself and thought that maybe I was just giving up…which is not something I usually do. My ex made me feel extremely guilty and swore he would change. We had long talks and I admit I had a glimmer of hope, but in the end the major issue of trust was never resolved. I told him that I just couldn’t trust him. One thing that helps me when I do the “what ifs” and self doubt is to go back to my journal entries from that time…over the course of months, the pages were filled with nothing but disappointment, sadness and hurt.
After I left, he was still asking me to come back…and in that time, he admitted to lying to me- something he did not admit when I was threatening to walk out the door.

Again, thank you for advice. I wish you all the best too. Things will get better…one day at time.

Take care