First Breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
First Breakup
5
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 8:39pm
Hi all-
I recently broke it off with my boyfriend of five years. We lived together for three, and now I am living back home with my parents. :( He has gone back to being a bachelor and it seems, is adjusting quite well. I on the other hand, am delving into a deep depression. I know that it was the right thing to do b/c I don't love him. The problem is that I feel so isolated now. We met and started dating when I was just 16, him 18. I made the mistake, much to my parents dismay, of completely falling in love with him. Looking back, I don't know if I ever actually feel in love. Instead, he became my entire life and my world ended up revolving around him. I lost friends and didn't even notice. Nothing mattered to me except spending time with him. In the process, I lost the chance at finding self-esteem and becoming independent. He definitely became my security blanket. Now I find that it is hard for me to be around other people. Before I was used to him always being there, making it easier for me to be myself. Now I don't even know who I am or how to interact w/ others. The strangeness of it all is I feel as if I've broken up with myself, I feel like I'm a half a person. I'm numb and confused. My ex was always so happy go lucky and the biggest supporter in my life. Although I don't want to be w/ him anymore, I feel lost w/out his prescence. I no longer have my safety net and am very ill at ease in my day to day life. I feel as if I've gone backwards, and although I'm 21 now and supposed to be having fun, meeting new people and experiencing life, I just want to hide away from the world. I don't want to deal w/ anything or anyone. I feel angry b/c it's as if I never grew up, I relied on him for everything. Now I'm w/out confindence b/c I never had it to begin w/. I'm supposed to be transferring to a university this fall and I have no idea how I'm going to get myself to go through w/ it when I don't even want to get up in the morning. Sorry for such a long post and if no one responds I'll understand, it is depressing. I just need to vent and unfortunately feel like my friends went out the window along w/ my ex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: mikajewel44
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 9:18pm

i dont know how to make you feel any better.... but i did just want to let you know that youre not alone and im in the exact same boat pretty much...
i feel like half a person without my bf too...although HE dumped ME so it might be even worse... i feel like i totally depended on him for my happiness and i cant be happy alone and thats really scary..

i too am supposed to be going to somewhere different for university in september and am frightened about it because i was supposed to be living with my bf.... now i guess i have to live by myself and be lonely ALL THE TIME. im very scared. im also not very good at meeting new people so...

anyway i just wanted to let you know that youre not alone.

i also want to let you know not to regret your decision. you did it for a reason.

you WILL learn how to adapt to this situation...it might just take a while.

maybe consider therapy to learn how to not be so codependent.. im thinking about doing that... its nothing to be ashamed of... i just think maybe we need some advice on how to move on and learn how to be happy by ourselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: mikajewel44
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 10:33pm
I'm sorry you're going through this.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: mikajewel44
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 11:02am
Hello,
Thanks to both you guys for giving me excellent feedback on my situation. It's really great that in this day and age when you feel totally lost you can still talk to someone w/out even seeing their face, yet come away from the interaction reassured. I did need the reminder to not regret my decision b/c that's what I did it for to begin w/, to stop having regrets. Also I need to remember that this isn't "the end" but instead the beginning. Anyways, I g/g but thanks again for your support!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: mikajewel44
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 2:29pm

I'm glad you got some comfort from the other posts. I just want to add that I'm dealing with a similar situation. I pretty much shut out the world when I was with my ex. I really pulled into myself, and it got to the point that I didn't think I knew how to interact with other people anymore. Then I decided things needed to change. I came out of my shell and started connecting with some old friends. I think you'd be surprised how receptive people will be, and how it can be as comfortable as old times. Just don't overthink it. I used to have horrible self-esteem issues that made me think that people just didn't like me and that my friendship was expendable. Now, I just try to focus on enjoying the company of these great people and being the best friend I can be.

Also, you're going to be attending a new school. Won't that be a great opportunity to meet some new people? Despite being painfully shy, I managed to make some great friends in college. Just remember that there will be a lot of people who are in a new situation too and they will probably be eager to make friends.

What you really need to do is always remember the lesson you learned from this relationship and allow yourself to have an outside life the next time you get involved with someone. I know it can be hard when you're in love and want to spend as much time with your guy as possible, but it's much healthier and you'll stay happier. I think you're actually way ahead of the game. I bet it was really hard to break up with someone you depended on that much. That took a lot of courage. You seem really self-aware too, which is a great asset. You'll be fine!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
In reply to: mikajewel44
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 1:16am

Hey there,

Just letting you know I just broke up with my ex (wow that sounds weird saying this)...I guess maybe its for a week and so now? We/I tried to see if it could work but its not worth the trouble. We've been together for 4.5 years and my world revolved around him and I fought with my parents bc of him. The first 3 days I felt scared thinking it might not work...the next 3 I felt extremely sad and lonely and cried my eyes out...and now a week anda half later, surprisingly, even though I feel lonely, I dont feel hollow bc my friends are there for me and me seeing how that path down the road will be and me realizing it wont work makes it so much easier to let go. I love him still, I am not bitter about this and I guess it took the internet and his cybercheating on me to realize its more than that...he needs to better grow up. So I hope you (as well as I ) feel better. At least I have to believe that for my sake.