First date since breakup a big flop
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| Fri, 04-22-2005 - 12:46pm |
Hi everyone. It's been almost two months since I broke up with my boyfriend and the road to recovery has been (understandably) rocky. Last night I decided I was ready to prove to myself that I had officially moved on and I accepted a blind date with a guy I'd been chatting with on My Space. He's a friend of a friend who looked very good in his profile and photos. I’ve never internet-dated before, so I figured it was worth a shot.
I was very pumped up and optimistic -- perhaps overly so. When my blind date showed up at the bar, I recognized him from the headshot; although, he was at least five inches shorter than he’d claimed. He oozing cheese in conversation -- he kept dropping names and labels, he got off on being rude to the wait-staff, peering down my shirt with tongue-wagging, and referring to me as a "lady friend". He scoffed because my alligator bag wasn't real and complained because the bar served low-end scotch (but he slugged two glasses in about a minute’s time)! He was dressed like an eighty-year-old at a yacht club (he's in his mid-twenties). What a first impression! After one painful drink, I excused myself for fear of getting my butt pinched.
Granted, I've been on tons and tons of bad dates in the past. I just wanted the first date after my break up to be promising. Well, at least it was memorable. And I just kept thinking how funny my ex would've thought my blind date story was. We used to share all of our atrocious pre-meeting dating stories and he'd encouraged me to publish my experiences. Someday I'll get a blog up b/c there are many, many horror stories to share (I rue to think there will be more to come). As I’m writing this posting, I’m finding the evening to be more amusing than painful. However, when I got home last night I shed a few (thousand) tears. Why must I be “out there” again? Why couldn’t my ex have been the one? Why aren’t I crawling into bed with him now? Who’s he snuggled up with? ARGHHHHHHHHH
The fact is I'm not over my ex.. I'm forcing myself to get back out there but,in reality, I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to call my ex -- to see what he's up to and how he's faring back in the world of singles. I have resisted contacting him but it's NOT easy.. and I definitely need all of you to remind me to keep up NC! I just had to say that dating sucks.. especially when you'd found someone you loved and were finally on the relationship side of life.. safe and secure. Now I’m thrown to the wolves once again. I honestly thought all the bad dates were behind me. I guess I'm just wondering if I should continue to date the below-par masses or should I wait for someone quality. Or do I suck it up and call my ex?? (nahhhh). THANKS for letting me ramble....

You should learn to "date like a man" and if you don't know what that means -because it's not got negative, userous, vicious, or destruction implication in the phrase - let me know.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
It hinges around expectation.
Feelings are a result of the following equation:
self-esteem + need/want/expectation x situation at hand + previous experience reference library = feeling of the moment
Men don't "date with expectations" as a rule. they find you attractive - they ask you out. If you're intelligent and fascinating - it's a bonus and score. Because they didn't "expect" you to be anything but attractive - which they already knew you were - there was no way to be anything but gratified by you being "more than what was anticipated".
They asked you out thinking "eye candy on the arm"......and got intelligent creativity with humor in the bargain. If they are able to value something past eye candy - you'll be appreciated s a result of being like you are - which is only possible because they only "expected you to be attractive".
So men don't date "trying to find a partner"...they date because having flirtatious interaction, sex, companionship and conversation adds 'spice to their already great complete life".
Quite often, men do "date to find a mother for thier children (the ones unborn or already existing). At which point they're not looking to find you appealing or amusing (although that too is a bonus and score), they're not thinking of you in terms of how you could enhance my life as an individual. they've got a "purpose" for you to serve - mother to their children, and in that role is primarily how you'll be regarded...and how you're treated as a result of being the mother of his children will be because "he prioritized being a dad" - not because he loved and appreciated and admired you as a person, per se.
So when you go out on a date thinking "possibly this is the one"...you're 2 strikes down and fixing ot hit a 3rd. Because that means that the life that you've got - you consider it incomplete or unfulfilling...and so you're looking to exchange what you've got - for whatever he has to offer. With that level of "expectation and need" - there is going to be nothing but let-down.
Dating like a man simply means "don't interact with what isn't already there".....don't assume, project or respond to what isn't factually present. Enjoy what is...for what it is....not needing it to be anything more than what it is - because you're already "all that' and you know it.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
wow, erin, you are awesome.. thank you for such an interesting and enlightening message.. i've printed it out so i can study and reflect on it (and share it w/ my friends).. you're so right, my expectations will only inhibit me in the future. i need no one to complete me.
any advice on getting over my ex? i broke up w/ him, but trust me, who-broke-up-with-who does not matter *whatsoever* -- i've equated the feeling of leaving him to eating broken glass. i've been internally cut up and the pain never ceases to seep through my chest and gut. i know he's not right for me, which is why i left and continue to stay away. anything you can tell me will help me to release.. you're a master advice giver. thanks.
Well, that's the same thing....
You've had tons of dreams, expectations, hopes, and desires regarding "that relationship and your future as a result of it".
YOu found out the future you had planned - ain't gonna happen like you thought.
And just like infatuation is "in love iwth the idea of love" - heartbreak is "the realization that what I wanted and expected isn't going to happen like I thought with who I thought."
Both having NOTHING to do with the other person...and totally with your expectations, awareness, and level of self-responsibility.
Feelings aren't facts, goals, or calls to action. So if you're waiting to "stop feeling" before you get on with life....you'll never get on with life. The feelings are a result of situations...and if you stay frozen in time in a mindset and with a set of expectations and hopes that are lost....the feelings remain just as they are. I mean, come on now....what if he had died in a tragic accident. Would you be this distraught? Same thing. This relationship and a future with him in it is dead to you - grieve and move on. It's a self-process.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Catalpa,
Ha, I agree, Erin is one of the master advice givers on here. Years of experience leading to sage-like wisdom, I think. Anyway, I completely agree with her that you need to "date like a man," if you feel like dating. I think so many people actually "look" for "the one" with "the goal of a relationship" in mind, and that's entirely the wrong way to look at things.
I, definitely, was one of those people, even though I began dating my current ex w/o expectations--somewhere along the line I began to expect him to be "it". Expect him to fulfill all of those things that I thought he was supposed to fulfill. Anyway, he couldn't live up to those expectations because, the truth is, no one (other than yourself) is going to fulfill "those things," whatever "those things" are to you. Moreover, you can't approach a relationship like something you can work towards acheiving. You can work at making a relationship function healthfully, yes, but not at making it happen or making the other person fall for you. Now that I'm actually realizing that I placed those kinds of expectations on my ex and on myself--that I had to "make it happen" or be a failure left out in the cold--things are beginning to look a lot less complex and are becoming easier to understand and accept.
As for the new dating thing...I find your description of being single very telling. You described being in a relationship as being "safe and secure" while being single is akin to "being thrown to the wolves." Why do you feel like that? You "should" feel safe and secure whether or not you are with someone else. We are not meek women who cannot fend for ourselves without someone else by our side. As soon as we start to think that we are, we have placed ourselves in the role of the victim--a helpless soul that has not control over what is happening to her, just waiting for someone else to come on in and make it better. Be strong, choose not to be a victim.